James Frey is in all kinds of trouble for supposedly lying in his “nonfiction” book. But as far as I can tell, no one would have cared about this if he hadn’t gone on Oprah. Watch, she’ll just invite him on again, and he’ll tearfully explain that he just wanted to tell a good story. And his book sales will keep rising.

In a preemptive effort to keep anyone at the Smoking Gun from discovering my dark secrets, I’ve decided to put them all here.

Things I’ve Lied About In My Writing

Unlike James Frey, I actually have been arrested. I just didn’t tell anyone.

I’ve never actually seen an armadillo in real life. I just guessed they had feathers on them.

That nice coat I bragged about buying did not actually cost over $100. I found it in the alley out back.

I did not get drunk on 85 proof rum and beat up a cop. It was more like 80 proof.

The laughing goblins I saw on my ether trip were more of a light blue than an actual green.

One of my characters, Sally, did not actually care for roses. I just felt that lent her a certain naivete about romance. Probably underminded, I realize, by her hot leather thong. But who could resist writing about one of those?

Everything I’ve ever written, including this sentence, is a lie! Think about that!