(I wrote this for Newcity)

Well apparently something called an “Xbox360″ was released today. And boy am I glad I don’t have one.

Boy Am I Glad I Don’t Have an Xbox360

Yessiree bob, having an Xbox360 is surely a burden I’m glad I don’t have to carry. For instance, right now I could be playing the latest in interactive home entertainment, tearing it up in Project Gotham Racing or playing Rare’s latest, Perfect Dark Zero. But instead I’m here with you, writing on a website that nobody ever reads. Yes indeed, I’m sure glad things worked out the way they did.

I mean, sure, everyone’s making a big deal about this newfangled thing. Some say that Xbox Live is the most fluid and easiest online console connection ever, and that playing console games online will never be the same thanks to the new Xbox Live. But I have to say– I’m not much one for playing games online. Just doesn’t appeal to me, really. Others say that the Xbox360’s graphics look terrific, and that its the first step in the next generation of videogame consoles. Well, I say I’m playing the game with the best graphics of all– reality! Yes, I’m glad I’m looking at the vertex-shaded walls of my boring little bedroom than some crazy 3D Halogame or whatever it is the kids are playing. For sure.

The Xbox’s controllers are wireless, too, I hear. Now, maybe I’m a little different from the regular videogame players, but I like being tethered down by wires that don’t even let me push my chair back away from the TV. They really give me a sense of focus, you know? Sure, I’m always having to pick them up, and people are always stepping on them and twisting them up, but I think you’ll agree when I say it’s a small price to pay to make sure that I can never go more than a few feet away from my television when I’m playing a game.

And apparently the Xbox will also hook up with iPods and other media to let you listen to your own music while you play videogames. But why would I want to change out the music in the games? I just love– love– all those lame pop/rock/hip hop tracks that EA throws on their games. And excuse me if I like listening to the exact same techno song on every single racing game lap I’ve ever driven. Seriously. Excuse me. Because I do.

Yes, I’m sure glad that I don’t have an Xbox360. Right here in my house. Where I could play it and play it, and reach unheard-of levels of gaming paradise, and never know pain, or sorrow, or, at the very least, boredom, ever again. Yep, I sure am glad that’s not happening.