Welcome to Suburbia.

Check out our minimalls, our parking lots, our baseball and soccer fields. Look at all this space! Sure, half of it is covered with scrubbed pavement, but look at the other half, where grass grows unfettered and green. Our trees are all young, but strong and tall. We don’t have pollution clouding our skies here, only power and telephone lines.

The high school is just down that street. Our kids go to elementary schools around the district, where they’re taught clean and simple versions of history and math and art. They all graduate on time (a few are sent away to special schools), and when they do, they line up in the cutest robes and smile for our cameras== we develop the pictures at the Walgreens right over there, and send them away to our families elsewhere, or post them on our refrigerators. Which are always big and always full.

Speaking of big and full, have you seen our houses? There’s so much room out here, we like to spread things out. Everyone has a front and backyard lawn, and on weekends you can hear and smell the mowers carving patterns in the grass. Later in the weekend evenings, our wooden decks (stained every summer) are alighted with charcoal and fluid, and the smell of roasting meats slides through the neighborhood. We wave to our neighbors, and they wave to us, and we watch them and they watch us, just so we all know what happens here in suburbia.

Have any extra money? We do. You in your cities probably haven’t heard of “disposable income,” but we and our kids sure have. We have stores of all kinds, chains that multiply exponentially– I heard they just build a new Gap, and Sketchers has a whole store down the street– we’ll have to go there when we get a chance. Want to see a shop full of teddy bears, or a minimall full of knickknack shops? We’ve got em. Or maybe you want to hit the megaplex, see a blockbuster special effects movie on a screen three stories tall, sitting in stadium seating and listening to state-of-the-art 38 speaker surround sound while eating eight dollar popcorn. We can if you want– my wife and I go every Sunday night.

Or we could get something to eat. We have plenty of restaurants, and they’re all themed, shiny, and run by those teenagers I was telling you about. Want a Pumped Up Portabello Jalapeno Burger (TM), or a Jack Daniels (TM) Glazed Ribs and Super-Steak (TM)? Just let me know– we can jump in my Ford Expedition XLT (Old Navy Edition) (TM), and go get some. There’s always lots of parking over there, and I’m pretty sure Amazing Appetizers (TM) are even two for one on Tuesdays!

So welcome to Suburbia, we hope you enjoy your stay. What’s that? Yes, well I guess there aren’t many minorities around are there? They’re more than welcome to come, of course– we preach diversity in the schools, and buy our kids Baby Einstein books featuring babies of all races. We tell our children not to stare when that woman who doesn’t speak English gets lost in the supermarket, and can’t find anyone to help her. They’re certainly welcome to come and visit us, but I guess they just don’t want to. That’s why you never seen them around, I suppose. Come to think of it, the poor people don’t come here much either.

We do our part, though– we all go to church on Sunday, right before we eat at the Asian Fusion Bar and Grill Family Place (I love the fries there), and catch our weekly movie at the cineplex. When the Holiday Toy Drive comes around, I always donate my kids’ old toys (they’re too busy playing the new videogames that I buy them every year). We do as much as anyone else is expected to do.

Anyway, welcome. We’re glad to have you in Suburbia. We may not be as busy, or as crowded, or diverse, or as dirty as your city, but I’m sure you’ll enjoy it here anyway.