Before I begin, you only have like one day to vote for the Jimmies at retardedjimmy.com. Go there, now, and vote! Then come back here and read this:

Since prehistory, man has struggled with all kinds of unanswerable questions. Why are we here? What happens after death? What’s for lunch, and who’s buying? Today’s mikeschramm.com features a question, but it isn’t one of these.

Earlier this year, the rock band U2 released their latest album, “How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb” to great acclaim. Rolling Stone called it “grandiose music by grandiose men,” the LA Times called it “one of the Irish quartet’s essential works,” and I distinctly remember saying “U2 is still alive?”

But even more popular than the album has been the band’s first single “Vertigo” (also the first song on the album). It’s a wildly jumpy song, mixing the Edge’s flying guitar with a Spanglish Bono who can’t seem to stop repeating himself (here are the lyrics, and here’s a link to U2’s website to hear a sample of the song). The most fascinating part of the song, however, comes in the beginning, when Bono counts off the band.

Instead of the normal “1, 2, 3, 4″ which most bands will do, or even “uno, dos, tres, cuatro” which either mariachi or allegedly hip bands do (U2 being the latter), he counts off “uno, dos, tres” and then adds “catorce.”

“Catorce.”

First, you might think right away that Bono, as rocking and consumer-friendly as he is, messed up. “Cuatro” is four in Spanish, and “catorce” is fourteen. Maybe, hopped up on drugs or life or rock and roll, or whatever he’s hopped up on, he simply made a mistake and said the wrong thing. He’s busy, this Bono guy, talking to the pope or handing out food or whatever it is he does when he’s not in Apple commercials. He doesn’t have time to remember whether things are four or fourteen!

Other than the commercial stuff, Bono seems like a smart guy, though, so that doesn’t seem really likely. Also Brian Eno worked on the album, and there’s no way that guy would let an error get through on his albums. No sir.

So we’re left to wonder why Bono did it. There are a few theories floating around the net (or “Rumors on The Internets,” as our president would like us to call them). I’ve compiled them here for your reading enjoyment.

THE “FOURTEENTH ALBUM THEORY”: Fans of U2 (careful, that’s a screwy message board– I went there so you don’t have to) were quick to point out that “How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb”, or HTDAAB, as the Edge calls it in his sleep, is U2’s fourteenth album, and therefore Bono was simply recognizing the fact that the band has produced many terrific albums, all of them in the 90s, and yet this was their fourteenth overall. The problem with this is, as the message board points out, if you count full albums, U2 really only has 10.

THE “STEVE LILLYWHITE CREDIT”: On that same message board you can see a corallary to the Fourteenth Album Theory. Producer Steve Lillywhite (known also for his work with the Dave Matthews Band) did work on U2’s 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 14th albums. So maybe Bono was just giving a shout out to Lillywhite for his work with the band.

THE “JOHN RITTER TRIBUTE”: Yet another theory has to do with, of all things, Three’s Company. On the show, the late John Ritter’s character jokingly tests a microphone by saying, as Bono does, “Uno, dos, tres… catorce!” Apparently, it was very funny, which doesn’t necessarily answer the question why an Irish rock star is paying tribute to a deceased sitcom actor, but instead raises the question of how anyone could find Three’s Company funny.

THE “MULTIPLE MISPROUNCIATION”: A few people have noted that not only is “catorce” prounounced strangely, but “uno, dos” and “tres” don’t even come out of the track very clearly. This has led to speculation that maybe instead of saying “1, 2, 3, 14″ in Spanish, maybe Bono was trying to say “once, doce, trece, catorce” which is “11, 12, 13, 14″ in Spanish, and would clearly be a very hip and happening thing for a rock star to do. Not very clever or interesting, though.

THE “SCRIPTURAL REFERENCE I”: There are two variations of this theory. The first says that Bono was referencing John 1:14, John 2:14, and John 3:14, though the theory doesn’t really explain how he referenced John instead of Matthew or Luke, but no matter. Here’s the three verses:
John 1:14: The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only,who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John 2:14: In the temple courts he found men selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money.
John 3:14: Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up.
Apparently the verses speak of Jesus, then money, and then Jesus again, which proponents of this theory alledge is how U2’s spritual thinking has gone throughout the years.

THE “SCRIPTURAL REFERENCE II”: But the best one comes from a guy who calls himself BarbariansatBay, who says instead of three different chapters, the verses are John 2: 3-14 (say it out loud: “One” sounds like “John”). He then goes into a long discourse on how “Vertigo” mirrors the scriptural passage, explaining how Bono is really a believer in a nightclub looking for God in the darkness and finding only a girl with red nails, which stands for blood on the cross. I love it. This is totally it.

I did try to contact Bono himself, through the support area of U2.com. As of presstime, all they had returned to me was the following:

Thank you for contacting us, we will get back to you as soon as we can.

-U2.com

I’ll keep you posted. Meanwhile, if you have something else, send it here.