1up.com has just released a list of the Top 10 “girlfriend-friendly” games. With non-gamer games like Bejeweled, the Sims, and Animal Crossing, they postulate that those games are most likely to pull a non-gamer significant other into the gaming lifestyle.

If those are “girlfriend-friendly” games, then what are the type of games that I play?

5. Madden 2005: Or, really, any of the Madden football games. If she doesn’t like watching football on TV already, she definitely won’t be interested in watching you play football on television. In fact, almost all of the hardcore sports games are instant turn-offs. Try throwing Madden in at a party. All the guys will crowd around the television, and all the women will run off to the kitchen and talk about how boring the guys are.

4. Diablo II: It’s a great game, but just one hint of the demon and dungeon hacking and slashing, and you’ll be sleeping on the couch for weeks. Don’t even bother bragging to her about your sweet +4 Bastard Sword of Frost Slashing or +5 Helmet of Firey Health– for some strange reason, she won’t care. Trust me, I know.

3. Counterstrike: Again, terrific game, but for some reason most girlfriends won’t get into the gunplay. I think it’s because they never played cops and robbers as kids. Seriously– ask any girl you know to make the sound of a gun firing or the noise of an explosion. Odds are, she’ll say “pshoo pshoo” or “boom.” We all know the sound of a gun firing is “duche duche duche kakakakakakakaka shoooboboboommm” (gutteral growl included).

2. Dead or Alive 3: Almost any fighting game is to girls like garlic is to vampires, but this one is notoriously heinous. It’s violent, the females are “colorful,” and there’s even a “jiggle” setting. You can figure out for yourself what that does. And don’t even bother putting in DOA Extreme Beach Volleyball, unless you never want to see your significant other again.

1. Alpha Centauri: What do you get when you combine one of the greatest games of all time with countless hours staring at a computer screen, large numbers of boring statistics, repetitive (if interesting) gameplay, and fairly generic graphics? Girlfriend repellent! If she catches you playing this, trust me, no amount of Animal Crossing, cute Mario Karts, or even Sims will make her look favorably on videogames (or, probably, you) ever again.