Here we go, everybody!

Yes, the ebook you’ve been waiting for is finally, FINALLY (almost) here. The Shape of Teeth is an ebook collection of short stories, essays, and various other things I’ve written, both old and new. Some of them have been published before (some on this very site), but I’ve proofread and updated them specifically for this book. Some other things have been published on other sites, but they’ve since disappeared from the Internet. And some of the things in this book are completely new. Here’s what you’ll find if you buy it:

• A foreword by the very funny and inimitable Mark “Turpster” Turpin. Yes, it’s rare to find this man writing and not talking or doing videos, but he’s written a very excellent and fun little piece to start this book off. I appreciate it very much currently, and you will too when you read it.
• Art by the very talented gentlemen listed on the cover. They all did terrific work, and they did it out of the generosity of their hearts, only so my words could be broken up by some of their very fascinating images. You’ll love these pictures, I’m sure — some of them are in color, some in black and white, all are fascinating.
• 14 (give or take a few) stories and essays written by yours truly, ranging from the scary to the silly, from the fun to the ephemeral. Some of these are just fun little jokes or pop culture bits, some of them are more in-depth and serious, and some of them are just plain weird and will make you wonder what I was thinking. There’s something for everyone — some of them you’ll love, some of them you’ll just like, and some of them will have you shaking your head.
• A full glossary of defined terms for the uninformed (or apathetic).
• A brand new three-part story that no one, even the early readers of this book, has ever actually read before.
• Plenty of gorgeous, full color pictures like that one on the cover, all taken by someone who doesn’t exist.
• Inspirational quotes to guide your way!
• DRM-free! Not actually medically evaluated by an independent panel of doctors, but it’s probably not too dangerous for you.
• And the book is available in a very convenient and easy-to-carry EPUB format, which means you can load it up on your e-reader of choice (or just use a free app like this one to read it on your computer).

This initial release will only be available as an EPUB download, but the book will eventually be on both the iBooks and Kindle stores, pending demand. The EPUB format is very versatile, though — if you have an iPad or a Kindle, it’ll be very easy to send it to yourself and open it up.

And what will this book and all of its wisdom and charm cost you, you ask? All of this can be yours for the low, low price of Seven American Dollars. ($7). That’s right — on December 30th, 2011, you’ll be able to come right back to this page, pay $7 via credit card or other available forms of payment TBD, and this ebook file is yours to do with as you please.

BUT WAIT! That’s not all!

That book sounds incredible, you say. How could it get any better?! Well let me tell you friend: it can. Because you could spend $7 on the book itself. OR, you could buy the Deluxe Edition of the ebook for just $3 more, which will land you at a nice round price of $10. And what does the Deluxe Edition get you?

• An exclusive written story, never before published, which didn’t get included in the ebook itself. Honestly, I’m not a huge fan of this one, but I’m often a very bad judge of what’s good and what isn’t, so with the Deluxe Edition, you can get this one and read it for yourself! Maybe you’ll like it.
• Also, an exclusive essay, which is about Lindsay Lohan. It’s one of the first things I wrote that went viral, and it is pretty funny, if a little dated.
• AND you’ll get the real prize here, which is a special MP3 audiobook version of three of the stories from The Shape of Teeth. You can hear me, Mike Schramm, reading these stories in my very own voice, with all of the inflections, pronunciations, and tones that I intended while writing them. If you like my podcasts, this will be fun — it’s like podcasting, only I’ve written all of the words I’ll be saying.
• Plus, I will appreciate you as a good friend. And, you’ll get first dibs on anything else I put out ever (which, according to plans, will probably be iPhone apps, or more books, or who knows what).

Boy, when you put it that way, who wouldn’t want to just go ahead and spend the $10, right? That’s cheaper than most meals these days — skip lunch and read a book! All of this will be available to the public on December 30th, 2011, so stay tuned and get your wallets ready until then. Thanks for your patience! It’s finally coming out!