If the Lutheran Church Was a Cult

Welcome to Our Redeemer of Desecration and Chaos!

Birthdays this Week: Monday: Martin Jones, Jason “The Defiler of Souls” Krigersman. Wednesday: Whitney “Sacronomicron” Moore. Friday: Martha Butenhauer. And a special Happy First Birthday to Alex, son of Margie and Arthur Holmstead, the First and Third Bringers of Pain. Happy Birthday Alex!!

Today, instead of the normal communion wine and wafers, we’ll be serving Kool-Aid and mushrooms, donated by our very own Assistant Pastor Luke. If you’d like to take part, speak with one of the Elders!

Great Shepherd of Darkness and Destruction Johnson will not be administering the service today, as he was admitted to the hospital last week for a bad case of stomacheache. Remember him in your prayers! And, oh yeah, follow his divine instructions to the letter, even if it means earning the mistrust and scorn of your friends and family! Get well, Shepherd Johnson!

Be sure to meet us after the service today in the Fellowship Hall for a Potluck of Doom! Donations of Doom appreciated!

There will be a nursery available for children during our service. Also, if you have unholy minions with you, a room will be available to keep them shackled and chained, lest they be able to go around causing trouble. Thanks to our Womens’ Club for making that possible.

We still need helpers for the Summoning Ritual on Saturday night in the Fellowship Hall! Sally Whitmore will be bringing the Altar of Flame, but if you can bring a sacrifical lamb or goat, let James Nelson know ASAP! Hope to see you there!