As promised, I have my piece about Susan Werner published in Newcity today, along with another piece I did about Umphrey’s McGee.

I didn’t come up with much to write about today, but don’t worry because I’ll more than make up for it tomorrow. Just in time for Christmas, I’ll blow… your… mind. Blown! Your mind! Tomorrow!

Those of you who are regular readers of this tome (that’s what I like to call mikeschramm.com, a “tome”) will have noticed that I don’t talk about my work that much. There are two reasons for this.

1) I want to make it hard for stalkers to find me. By not mentioning the exact name of my workplace (I have always called it “the bookstore where I work”), they won’t be able to easily find me during the day, when I’m at work. Under cover of night, however, they can still find me pretty easily. I’m working on this.

2) I like my job, but there are times when I may feel the need to mention certain negative things about it, things which the company I work for or even my coworkers may not like to know. This website being a public place, I find it easier to just keep my comments to myself.

However I do work in a retail store, and this weekend being the biggest retail weekend of the year, something has come to my attention which I cannot ignore, which I cannot remain silent on. I mean to offend noone, but I must make my position known on this issue. The issue is this:

If you don’t know me, please do not use my name.

I know, I know, we’re asked to wear nametags, and so it’s posted right there on my person, “MIKE,” bright and shiny and there for everyone to see. And you may be tempted, looking for a book after a long day of shopping elsewhere, to try to grow some quick familiarity with me, the person standing between you and your tome. (say it– “tome.” isn’t that a neat word?) So let’s say: you see me, walk over, and instead of asking if I can help you politely, say something like:

“Mike! Mike, can you help me? I really need your help, Mike. I need to find a book, Mike, and I think you’re my guy.”

(this is an actual quote, spoken to me by a woman I had never met before)

But let me promise you, saying my name randomly won’t breed familiarity between us. It actually will have the opposite effect. I don’t appreciate someone using my name freely when I don’t know theirs, and while I would never not help a customer for any reason, the effect will definitely stun me for a few seconds, and that few seconds will span between now and the time you have your book in your hands. If you hadn’t used my name, you’d have your book that much sooner.

Now, just like every rule, there are exceptions. You may use my name when speaking to someone else:

“A really helpful and handsome guy, Mike, totally helped me find my book upstairs. Also, I am a beautiful young woman. Here is my number. Give it to Mike, please. Mike Schramm.”

And I’m not really biased with the way you use it, either:

“Mike was a jerk to me upstairs, and he couldn’t find my tome. Could you please fire Mike? I am a bitter and lonely person who seeks companionship from retail employees and takes out my aggression on their managers when they are helping other customers and are too busy to help five people at a time. So fire him. Mike Schramm.”

At which point I would be fired. Didn’t use my name with me, though, so everything is A-OK swell number one.

In conclusion, please don’t use my name unless we have met and I know yours. I’m willing to wear my nametag, if only to let you know that I work there, and I’m even willing to let you know my name. You can secretly prize it, take it home, mull it over, even chant it throughout the night if you like. But if we’ve never met, even if it’s right there on my nametag, please don’t call me by it.

Unless you are a beautiful young woman who wants to give me your number. Then, call me anything you want. Please. Call me!