MEMO: Do’s and Don’ts For the New Baby

Congradulations to everyone on the succesful silent birth! Tom and Katie are very happy with the results, as we are sure our Lord Xenu will be as well. But please remember, just because the baby is here doesn’t mean we can dispense with the ritual. Here are a few groudrules to follow to make sure the rest of the plan goes smoothly.

DO make sure the baby is kept comfortable at all times. If even one inch of that baby feels any discomfort, Tom will be pissed, and believe you me, you don’t want the wrath of a top level Thetan on your ass.

DO avoid eye contact with the baby at all times. If we look at it, it will think that it is as human as we are, and we all know that’s not true.

DO refrain from speaking to the Holy Mother Katie if at all possible. After going through such a treacherous ordeal, she must be treated carefully. And by treacherous ordeal, of course, we don’t mean the birth– we mean having to pretend she has a relationship with the aforementioned Thetan.

DON’T speak to the media at any point whatsoever. Not only do we want to surround our plans with the strictest of secrecies, but it’s a statistical fact that many people in the media have been, at one point or another, mentally depressed. They might be on drugs.

DON’T put diapers anywhere but the specially logoed biodegradable containers. They will be disposed of secretly, as we would like to avoid what we in the business call an “eBay” incident.

DON’T answer or return any calls from the Holmeses. Now that the baby’s been born, we don’t need to kowtow to them any further.

Finally, above all, DON’T make any sudden or threatening moves around the baby. We don’t know at this point when it will unleash its world-ending powers. But be assured that when it does, those who mocked our crazy religion will fall to their kneeds in anguish!!

PS. Oops, almost forgot. DO test the temperature of the baby bottle against your forearm, as a baby’s skin can be very sensitive. Lord Xenu will be pleased you took the time.