The Lindsay Lohan Guide to Car Accidents

So you’ve been in a car accident! And you’re Lindsay Lohan!

Don’t panic! Your situation is a common one, happening at least twice per year, depending on movie release and/or hair coloring schedules. This helpful guide will give you some do’s and don’ts for your situation, and help you figure out WHAT’S NEXT.

DO

-Freak out.

-Run into a nearby antique shop. Later, you can claim you were hiding from paparazzi, instead of running from the scene. Deniability, you know.

-In the same vein, very loudly, and near a prospective witness (preferably a minority– they’re more believeable), gasp and appear very upset. References to a deity may be in order. “Oh my God, Oh my God, I can’t believe it” will do fine.

-Have company with you. Not anyone famous enough to draw away attention, but someone “passenger”y enough to make you look human. Assistants are good for this. Publicists would probably love to do it, but again, be careful of your accountability.

-Also, eat something. You’re totally bony, girl. But rock on with that red hair.

DON’T

-Blame the paparazzi. So played (and, according to an LAT article, not true). But Governator is planning a law, so expect it to come back around when you’re called in front of the committee.

-Attempt to help or talk to the other person, even if they “suffered moderate injuries.”

-Admit fault. This can be repaired, with the help of publicists, but it usually involves having another lesser known actress reveal a pregnancy or eating disorder earlier than planned.

-Act calmly or responsibly at any time.

WHAT’S NEXT

-There’s a chance you may face a suit from the other driver, especially if you are at fault. This can usually be avoided with a large settlement (goodbye, Herbie royalty check number 27) and a few pieces of signed memorabilia.

-Your insurance may go up. HA! Like it matters.

-You need to get a new Benz, girl! We suggest the SL55 AMG black, beige leather. In possibility of license suspension, make sure to put the car in someone else’s name. Assistants are good for this as well.

That’s it! Hopefully any accidents you have will be safe, relatively easy, and, if nothing else, attention gathering!

Happy driving!