By Someone Who Doesn’t Know the History of Labor Day

Labor Day was founded in 1735, when the mother of our country’s first president, Mrs. Washington, went into labor. According to legend, the doctor at the birth was filling out the birth certificate, and asked the nurse what day it was. “It’s the day of labor,” she answered him. And thus, this holiday was “born.” (HA!) The doctor had been really asking what day of the week it was, and he was so angry that she didn’t answer him correctly that he had the nurse confined to a mental hospital. Because that’s what they did back then.

Coincidentally, the word “labor” comes from the Latin laborus, which means, in modern terms “laborous.” And the original meaning of “day” is not widely known, but is believed to be some sort of flower.

Pilgrims used to celebrate Labor Day by having festivals and sacrificing sacrificial frogs. At least they used to do that, until they realized that Labor Day hadn’t been founded yet, so they put everything away and cleaned up all the frogs really quickly so no one noticed. Then they walked away, whistling nonchalantly.

Today we celebrate Labor Day with barbecues and heavy drinking. Most people have the holiday off, unless you have to do something vitally important to modern life, like selling retail junk to people who really do have the day off. Also, we shut down all the pools, in honor of Labor Day 1833, when the Atlantic Ocean had to be shut down for cleaning. President Theodore Roosevelt noticed that all the fish were pretty dirty, and “could probably use a good scrubbing,” so America shut down the seas and cleaned everything. And that’s why we close pools on Labor Day.

So appreciate this holiday and remember: have a beer, cook some meat, and sacrifice some frogs. Have a great Labor Day!