I came to a realization today. All this time I’ve been trying to make it as a legitimate writer– writing short stories, attempting to do interesting freelance work, and even coming up with something creative here at mikeschramm.com every day. But, I decided today, that’s all been a mistake.

What I’ve decided to do, what I should have done from the beginning, is become a novelist. Specifically a mystery/thriller novelist. Look at, say, John Grisham, or James Patterson. All these guys do is crank out novel after novel, tweak a formula, and rake in the cash. I’ve been going about this all wrong.

And then I figured, why write the novels myself when I could write a program to do it for me? Check out my latest upcoming novel below, and then refresh the page to see another one!

< ?php /* thriller novel generator by Mike Schramm c2004Let's hope this works*/

srand(time());
$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$former = "pencil-pushing District Attorney";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$former = "rough but firm inner city schoolteacher";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$former = "chihuahua accessory store manager";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$former = "malevolent cop with a penchant for buggery";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$former = "accidental tourist";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$former = "gun-toting grandmother of three";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$former = "chainsmoking superstar celebrity";
} else {
$former = "failed crime novelist";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$name = "Arthur Goldwater";
$sex = "he";
$art = "his";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$name = "J.P. Moringston III";
$sex = "he";
$art = "his";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$name = "Stacey Smith";
$sex = "she";
$art = "her";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$name = "Joey 'Flintlock' Greenspan";
$sex = "he";
$art = "his";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$name = "Aimee Harrington";
$sex = "she";
$art = "her";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$name = "Samantha 'Sammy' Cho";
$sex = "she";
$art = "her";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$name = "Tony Verchanti";
$sex = "he";
$art = "his";
} else {
$name = "Herschel Morgan Weberington (known to her friends and family as 'Sid')";
$sex = "she";
$art = "her";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$pre = " found a pretty good life on the quiet streets of Boulder, Colorado";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$pre = " learned to settle down with a wife, a dog, and two and half kids";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$pre = " drowned sorrow after sorrow in Tom Collinses and Cosmos after a horrible yearlong power outage";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$pre = " seemingly found happiness after a chance meeting with a hippopotamus";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$pre = " set up a successful business brewing coffee made from human hair";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$pre = " reached the top of the fry cook ladder at the Main St. McDonalds in Boynton, PA";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$pre = " finally escaped from the cops after a misunderstanding involving whipped cream, a squirrel, and forty pounds of thumbtacks";
} else {
$pre = ", to everyone's surprise, won the final episode of American Idol by singing 'Hava Nagila'";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$event = "an insurance adjuster long since thought dead is seen at Chuck E Cheese's";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$event = "a strange man with a limp and an annoying French accent shows up at the door";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$event = "a series of drive by pie-throwings culminates in a Governor covered with lemon meringue";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$event = "five hundred clowns show up dead, all packed inside a VW Beetle";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$event = "the price of pork reaches an all time high";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$event = "a scantily dressed woman appears at the Las Vegas Police Station asking for 'Larry'";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$event = "the CIA asks for help in opening a top secret pickle jar";
} else {
$event = "the stars begin to align, and Pluto moves into Capricorn, signaling the end of the third trimester";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$danger = "greatest foe";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$danger = "oldest nemesis";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$danger = "most interesting fear";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$danger = "worst nightmare";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$danger = "creepiest fantasy";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$danger = "freakiest phantom";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$danger = "darkest memory";
} else {
$danger = "own version of hell";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$faced = "a crazy, backwoods cousin who's bent on revenge";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$faced = "a maniac with a mohawk, a chainsaw, and a passion for 18th century romantic poetry";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$faced = "a vegan activist who's out for the blood of cow killers";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$faced = "a middle manager who wants those TPS reports... or else";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$faced = "a journalist who wants to cover the story-- of her own death";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$faced = "a murderous musician who only knows three chords";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$faced = "a deadly wienerdog";
} else {
$faced = "a former lover who just wants her mix tapes back";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$type = "hypnotic postmodern ";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$type = "tragic, and yet at the same time, pitifully comic ";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$type = "made-for-TV-but-sent-straight-to-video ";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$type = "Matrix-ish techno";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$type = "hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold ";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$type = "'ripped-from-the-headlines' ";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$type = "nailbiting, facemelting ";
} else {
$type = "nonstop superspeed action/";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$question = "What's love got to do with... anything at all";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$question = "What's for lunch? Seriously, I'm totally hungry... what's for lunch";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$question = "Who left their coat on my chair";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$question = "Who asked you anyway, asshat";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$question = "You want me to punch your ticket on the pain train? Is that what you want";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$question = "What happens with you combine a danish with a bagel? Is it a dagel or a banish";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$question = "What's that smell";
} else {
$question = "Why didn't I hear about this before";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$davinci = "SMITH";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$davinci = "BOOTLEG";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$davinci = "FEEBLEBRINX";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$davinci = "PERCULATOR";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$davinci = "ANSON";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$davinci = "BULLWINKLE";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$davinci = "CAPRICORN";
} else {
$davinci = "COLUMBUS";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$code = "CYPHER";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$code = "DIVISION";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$code = "SYSTEM";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$code = "RESOLUTION";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$code = "ORDINANCE";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$code = "ENDGAME";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$code = "VENTURE";
} else {
$code = "AGENDA";
}

$blurb = "Former " . $former . " " . $name . " has" . $pre . ".

But when ” . $event . “, ” . $sex . “‘ll have to face “. $art . ” ” . $danger . “: ” . $faced . “!

In this ” . $type . “thriller, New York Times bestselling author Mike Schramm will have everyone daring to ask the question, ‘” . $question . “?!’

Don’t miss it!”;

echo “Coming this fall, to finer bookstores everywhere:

“;
echo “THE ” . $davinci . ” ” . $code . “
“;
echo “A new thriller by Mike Schramm

“;
echo $blurb; ?>