Well, today, everybody, I’d like to talk about airline food.

Isn’t it cheap? I mean, I’m paying tons of money, the least they could do is–

[BALLOONS DROP FROM CEILING, CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS, AND MAN IN TUXEDO STEPS OUT FROM BACKSTAGE]

Man In Tuxedo: HEY!

Mike Schramm: What’s going on? What the heck?

MIT: Congratulations, Mike Schramm, you’ve just reached your 550th post!

[TELEVISION SHOW AUDIENCE APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE, APPLAUDS]

MS: Wow, I… Thanks, I guess!

MIT: Yes, believe it or not, you’ve churned out 550 posts of this junk! 550! That’s almost half a century!

MS: Actually it’s a little more than… but wait. I only started the site late last year, like in November. Eight months ago, that’s only about two hundred or so.

MIT: But you didn’t count all the links on your sidebar! Each one of those is a post, too, and including those, you’ve reached 550! Isn’t that amazing?!?

[CROWD APPLAUDS, SPRINKLED WITH LAUGHTER]

MS: Hmm. I guess. In terms of blogging, it doesn’t seem like much, really.

MIT: Oh yes it does! And for reaching 550 posts, you’ve won..

MS: What? I win something?

MIT: Absolutely nothing! Nobody reads your site, so nobody cares anyway!

[CROWD LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

MS: Oh. Figures. Hey, some people read my site. I get like 150 hits a day.

MIT: Including you?

MS: Ok I get like 100 hits a day.

MIT: [Looks at Mike]

MS: Ok fine. Eighty hits a– all right, geez, I get about 50 hits a day. But 50 hits a day is still better than nothing!

MIT: Barely!

MS: Thanks, I guess, Man in Tuxedo.

MIT: You know what’s really interesting about this whole thing?

MS: What’s that?

MIT: You’re writing this whole thing yourself. I mean sure, there you are, as a character– handsomer than usual, I’ll grant.

MS: Thanks!

MIT: But also, you’re the one writing these lines. You’ve created me, and these balloons, and this wonderful crowd–

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

MIT: — all to congratulate yourself on this 550th post, but then you’re also making fun of yourself for having a blog with 550 posts that nobody reads. You’re both overinflating your deeds and underselling them, all through this (very weak) game show premise. See? You’re doing it again, with the parenthesis around “very weak,” undercutting yourself.

MS: But that’s kind of what everyone does with their blogs, too. It’s a private diary placed in a public forum, so bloggers invoke both private and public personas. In public, I may joke that my blog sucks and nobody reads it, but in private maybe I’m very happy that it’s reached 550 posts, no matter what. Every blogger must feel that same duality of purpose, to explore private thoughts in a public forum.

MIT: And yet, now you’re making it even more obvious by speaking directly through me. These lines are attributed to me, Man in Tuxedo, but everyone reading this knows Mike Schramm has really written them. You didn’t even give me a name!

MS: I guess I didn’t think you–

MIT: You didn’t think I was important enough to be given a name? I’m the whole reason this post has gone from a cheesy parody to an somewhat interesting look at how people see themselves in their blogs!

MS: That’s true. I’m sorry.

MIT: Do you want to know what it is?

MS: I– Sure.

MIT: It’s Horace.

MS: Your… your name is Horace? Horace what?

HH: Horace Higgenbotham.

MS: Higg– Higgenbother?

HH: HiggenbothAM.

MS: That’s, um, some name.

HH: It’s not really mine anyway. You just made it up, and thought it sounded funny.

MS: All right, this has gotten entirely too self-referential and convoluted. Maybe that’s why nobody reads this site in the first place.

HH: Ha! Good night everybody!

MS: Wait, don’t I get to do my thing about airline food?

HH: Nope!