Howdy ho, neighbors. If you haven’t yet, don’t forget to vote for the Jimmies over at RJ’s, and then check back on Sunday night to see who wins!

Today, I’m sure you realize, is New Year’s Eve. Happy New Year! Here are some predictions for you. If you can think of one I missed, as always, email it to me. We’ll have to check back in on December 31, 2005 (if the site/Internet/world/universe still exists then) and see how we did.

1. The MPAA and RIAA will introduce all kinds of viruii into the bittorrent filesharing networks, trying to bring them down once and for all. However, the plan will backfire when the Supreme Court finds their actions illegal, and filesharing is allowed to run freely. By November, the movie and record companies will be as powerless as the airline companies. Or Toys ‘R’ Us.

2. George W. Bush will be arrested for war crimes in a foreign country, probably Canada. It will take the U.S. all of five minutes to move forces in and take over the country, making it the fifty first through fifty sixth states in the Union. Bush will be back in Washington by late afternoon, laughing evilly. On the bright side, the USA’s average I.Q. will double, and health care will get better. Social Security, the environment, and the economy will still be screwed.

3. Lindsay Lohan will realize that she’s being used by America, and announce that she’s taking two years off from acting, singing, and hanging out with Paris Hilton to live in the woods and write a biography of Che Guevara. Jessica Simpson, meanwhile, will say idiotic things on television. Lohan’s album and film career will never be heard from again, Simpson’s next three will top the charts.

4. mikeschramm.com will triple its daily audience. To 6. To get more traffic, Mike will write something funny about Jessica Simpson, and include pics. It won’t work.

5. The Virgin Mary will appear in a Catholic church in Biloxi, Mississippi. She will speak to the congregation, gathered for Easter Sunday, but she will speak in an ancient language that no one in Biloxi, Mississippi can understand. The Pope will be informed, the church will be conscrated and will become a destination for a new generation of pilgrims, converting people to Christianity for years to come. No one, however, will ever know what she actually said to everyone, which was “A grilled cheese sandwich?? $28,000?!”

6. After assembling a terrific team, the Cubs will finally win the World Series, and the whole country will celebrate it. People everywhere will wear blue, and the great buzz and positivity surrounding the team will lead them to repeat again and again, and stay champions all the way through 2008. Then, Jim Hendry will wake up.

7. Christopher Reeve, after appearing to meet his end during the fight with Doomsday, will return good as new, except in a different costume. George Lucas will quickly cast him as General Grevious in the new Star Wars movie, but the movie will still have a terrible title. And suck.

8. id software will release Quake 4, and gamers will love it because you’ll finally be able to use your flashlight and gun at the same time. Unfortunately, they will hate it because the minimum system requirements won’t actually be invented until 2007. Meanwhile, Civ 4 will come out in June, and it will be AWESOME. Man, I can’t wait. Duke Nukem Forever won’t be released.

9. Based on the success of the iPod, Apple will release the iCam, an ingeniously designed and extremely expensive little camera that will make hip and trendy people everywhere feel hip and trendy just for owning it. Unfortunately, most of them will use it to take pictures of crap, and then brag all over the place about how much they spent to take pictures of crap, and how easy it is to take pictures of crap while they’re working out. Apple, meanwhile, will make, literally, tons of money. Steve Jobs will rent a backhoe to get all his money in his garage.

10. Something will happen, and lots of people, mostly the media (and those who trust the media), will declare either triumphantly or morbidly, “Things will never again be the same!” But one year later, we’ll still be living our lives, people will still be being born and dying, and life, crazy and random as it is, will still go on, just as it always has.