If you’re looking for something to read, you could read this. I wrote the second item, about the Chicago eBay auction. My name’s not there, but I totally wrote it.

I also wrote this:

Malcolm and the Scots rejoice at having found the head of their King, Macbeth. They carry it back to his body and resurrect him, pull their swords out of Macbeth’s body, pick up a bunch of tree branches and run back to Birnam Wood. Macduff runs off behind them, screaming something about being born of a woman.

Having just been resurrected, Macbeth is heartbroken and moans and whines about “tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow” and life being a brief candle until one of his servants comes in to tell him that Lady Macbeth has died. Suddenly, Macbeth feels much better.

Meanwhile, Macduff and his men arrive at Birnam Wood and reattach the branches to the trees.

Lady Macduff wakes up and finds out she is no longer dead. Still, she might be brain dead, because she’s walking around spouting off nonsense about blood and spots.

Macduff, having restored Birnam Wood, heads back to England just in time to find his son and wife meeting with a few murderers. Apparently they had stopped by a moment ago and accidentally left their knives sitting in Macduff’s son and wife. They retrive their weapons, apologize, and head home. Macduff, Lady, and son enjoy some witty banter.

Macbeth meets with the Witches, who tell him that not only will he be killed by “no man of woman born,” but also that he won’t be dead until Birnam Wood moves to Dunsinane Hill. “Well that’s fine,” thinks Macbeth, feeling much better, “they just put it back a moment ago.”

He goes back to meet with Lady Macbeth and they chat for a bit. Lady Macbeth quickly brings in a banquet, and Macbeth seems pretty freaked out until the ghost of Banquo shows up. Macbeth asks if anyone else can see him, and they all say no, which isn’t surprising because Banquo’s ghost promptly disappears. Macbeth gets much happier, starts to enjoy his coronation, and everyone has a grand old time.

Fleance and Banquo meet up with the murderers and give them back their knives, which they must have dropped in Banquo earlier. Banquo and Fleance, completely healthy, go back to the stables, and spend a wonderful day riding horses.

Earlier that morning, everyone’s going crazy over the killing of the King, Duncan. Macduff, specifically, is running around screaming how horrible it is. Macbeth tries to shut him up, but he just won’t stop, so the devil’s porter decides to shut both him and Lennox out of the castle for the night.

Lady Macbeth and Macbeth are also unsettled over the killing of the king, especially because every time they run water over their hands, blood keeps showing up on them. Finally, Macbeth decides to put a stop to it, and goes back into Duncan’s room. When he emerges, he’s holding a knife, the blood is gone, and Duncan is alive again.

After Macbeth is finished, he and Lady spent the better part of a night arguing. She questions his manhood, calling him “too full of the milk of human kindness.” Macbeth doesn’t have to put up with this– in the past few days, he’s been resurrected and saved both Banquo and Duncan. He finds himself wishing she would go insane again, until he decides it’s probably better if he and Banquo take a little vacation to Duncan’s castle.

On the way, they’re met by the Witches again, who say that Macbeth will soon be Glamis, Cawdor, and King of the Scots. “Been there, done that,” thinks Macbeth, who beckons Banquo and sprints away. The Witches are left by themselves on the dark and lonely heath, blabbering about Hecate and her spirits.

Back at Duncan’s castle, Macbeth is honored for his prowess on the battlefield. Duncan goes on and on about what a great guy Macbeth is. He forgets to mention that he saved his life, but Macbeth is feeling better than he ever has and doesn’t worry about it.

Macbeth decides a soldier’s life is the place for him, and heads back to the battlefield to do some heroics, away from Lady Macbeth, Macduff, Duncan, and pretty much all of Scotland. He sees the Witches on his way back, and gets out of there before they can make any more predictions. The play ends with the Witches onstage by themselves, chanting that “foul is fair and fair is foul.”