I, like many of you probably, saw the video of the woman walking around New York constantly getting harassed for no reason. I shook my head at those idiots harassing her, but then I realized, maybe they just need some actual suggestions on how to not bother women they see on the street.

Slightly Nicer Things to Say To a Woman You See Walking On the Street

“Oy mami, I been watching you walk to work for the past week, and you could really use some more efficiency in your route. I have some suggestions if you are interested in hearing more!”

“Hi! I can see you’re walking somewhere important, and that’s why I’m going to stop talking to you now. Well, now. I mean now. Sorry about that! No, wait — Now.”

“Hello — I just wanted to ask your opinion, if that’s all right. I was wondering if you could give me some relevant comments on my own personal physical appearance?”

“I’m sorry to bother you, but I’ve just won the lottery with this ticket, and I have too much money already. Here, you can have it.”

“I sure hope the sports team of your choice is winning a lot of matches lately!”

“…” (*I am not looking at or bothering you but I am telling you to have a good day with only the power of my mind…*)

“I am personally having a terrific day, and statistically people tend to appreciate even strangers saying hello, wishing them a good day, and smiling in a nonthreatening way. So: hello! Have a good day!”

“Pretty lady! Oh, I apologize — I have a condition that makes me automatically shout out things that I happen to see. Tree! Bench! I am so sorry about this! Newspaper stand! Pidgeon! Oh god, why won’t it stop! Sidewalk! Taxicab! Sky! Clouds! Angry police officer!”

“Hey there, mama — what are you doing here in New York? Seriously, you live back in Ohio with my dad and I am shocked to see you here! But it is a nice surprise, given that you are my mother! Yes, of course I’m keeping my apartment clean.”

“What’s up, pretty girl! Oh no sorry — I was talking to my dog here, who is a female that I think is pretty. No worries, though — sorry to bother you!”

“Damn gurl! I just figured I’d come over here and bother you for a while because I’m insecure and unemployed and I don’t have much else to do! I’m trying to drag you down into my sad, sorry world because I find myself abhorrent and I need the company! I do this to a lot of women, and it has never once made them romantically interested in me, but I keep on doing it because it does allow me to fill myself with a false confidence, and blame others for problems that are clearly my own! Wait, where are you going, lady? What — you can’t accept a compliment?”

Posted on Tuesday, November 4th, 2014 at 11:12 pm. Filed under general.
You are reading mikeschramm.com, a collection of work by Mike Schramm.

This post appears in the category. To see more posts like this one, you can browse the category archives, or browse the full archives.