Look at this! Here’s something I wrote for Newcity (out today in Chicago), and here’s something uberneat lit site Uber decided to post! How sweet!

Violence erupted at New York radio station Hot 97 the other day, when rapper 50 Cent announced on-air that he was dropping rapper The Game from his G-Unit record label. Apparently, some of The Game’s pals heard the announcement on the radio and were so angry that they went down to the station to relay their concerns to 50 Cent personally. When they got there, they caught him coming out of the building, there was a fight, and someone (one of the The Game’s friends) was shot, though not fatally.

Turns out, however, that violence seems to follow 50 Cent around. He’s been shot nine times before. Has it always been for reasons as simple as dropping another rapper from his label? I decided to find out.

Then, I did, and it was boring. So I decided to make them up.

1. Accidentally ate Dr. Dre’s pudding. Nobody touches Dre’s #(%!ing pudding, mother$#@(er.

2. Got in beef with Jay Z about who was the greatest English poet after Shakespeare– Donne or Milton. Persisted in claiming that Donne was the greatest of the metaphysical poets, got gatted.

3, 4. Caught sneaking into girlfriend’s house, girlfriend accidentally thought he was a burglar, shot him in the dark. After the lights got turned back on, had lipstick on his collar.

5. Didn’t clean up his room, shot by mother. “I did it because I loved you, little Fifty!”

6. Bought new gun, but when it didn’t work, made the mistake of checking to see if something was stuck in the barrel.

7. Shot self, to establish “the street cred.”

8. After being elected as sheriff of town, challenged to duel by local cattle rustler. Shot, but was fortunately wearing metal plate under poncho. Ran cattle rustlin’ varmints out of town.

9. Casually mentioned to homies that he thought the new Rod Stewart album sounded “pretty good.”