I started this jokey series a ways back, and I don’t think it actually ever made anyone but me laugh, but really, that’s all I need.

It is 1901, and a new century brings with it many marvels of technology and wonder! Throughout the Earth, certain individuals are making vast steps both forwards and backwards in time, both unlocking the secrets of the past and slowly unraveling even the most mysterious mysteries of the future! First among these is one PROFESSOR INTELLIGENT, who with his assistant TIMMY, is currently researching the secrets of ancient Egypt, finding items one would never expect among long-buried treasures and tombs of yore!

But we’ll return to the current adventures of our dangerous duo in just one moment. First, we set our scene in darkness. But only relative darkness, as, slowly, a torch of yellow light emerges in the background. We are in a cavernous hallway, one surrounded by what is clearly manmade stone, yet covered in dust and dirt that only years of inactivity can place. Two men appear in the darkness, one holding a torch — they appear to be Turkish in origin, and they speak a strange language, one of many from around the ancient Mediterranean rim.

Still, their gestures and intonations reveal their intentions: they are planning an ambush! One signals behind a statue on one side of the chamber, and the other signals farther back down the hallway. As the two strange men from the Near East move to their appointed hiding places, a worry may cross your mind. Who are these two Turks planning to ambush? Could it be our own Professor Impossible and his trusty entourage? And if so, what could our intrepid hero do?

But worry not, young reader — our man has many talents, and among them is certainly the ability to see trouble coming! Worry not one bit, for we shall see what lies ahead for the good Professor.

And on that note, look! Near the far end of the ceiling of the hallway, there is suddenly a movement, a shuffling of rock and stone! Suddenly, light from above pushes through, and then, a shape falls to the ground below.

“Auggh,” says PROFESSOR INTELLIGENT as he falls into a heap on the floor, and then stops moving.

Another person jumps down from above, and lands deftly, and then another person arrives in the now torchlit chamber. It is, of course TIMMY! And our friend INSPECTOR MILLIBANK from Scotland Yard in London!

“I’m sure glad you decided to come along with us from London, Inspector!” says Timmy. “You never know when or where we might find ne’er-do-wells, even in an ancient tomb of an old pharaoh!”

“Think not of it,” answers the Inspector. “The professor has answered my call many a time, it was only prudent that I answer his! Speaking of, is he alright? He hasn’t moved since he got down here.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’s just examining something closely on the floor.” Timmy says, kneeling down to pat the face-down Professor on his back. “What is it, Professor? What did you find?”

“Euggh,” says the Professor, who rolls over on his side. “What the gell just happened?”

“I’m sorry,” says the Inspector, “did he just say gell?”

“Oh no,” Timmy exclaims, “it must be a curse! A curse from the ancient tomb!”

“No, you idio-uggggh,” answers the Professor. “My head is killing me, I can’t see straight. I think I’ve got a conduss — a concussion. I landed on my head after falling through the floor up there.”

“Fight it, professor!” Timmy exclaims. “We’ve got to keep moving ahead! We’re almost to the tomb!”

“Afraid not, gents,” says one of the Turkish men in a rough accent, stepping out from behind the shadows. “This is the end of your line.”

“We’ve got orders,” says the other, appearing at the end of the corridor from his own hiding place brandishing a pistol in his hand. “Hands in the air!”

Inspector Millibank appears to survey the situation, looking for an advantage to fight from, and then resigns and raises his hands in the air. Timmy does the same, but the professor remains on the floor, rubbing his head and looking a little woozy.

“Did you hear what we said?” says one of the Turks. “Get up! Hands in the air!” To prove his mettle, he fires the pistol at the ground near our professor, and the gunshot echoes throughout the underground cavern. The Inspector and Timmy cover their ears in pain momentarily and then put their hands back up in the air as quickly as possible.

“Jesus!” says the professor. “We didn’t even know you guys were down here. I’ve got to go to hospital, anyway, I think.” he says, stumbling a little as he tries to stand. He touches his head and then checks his hand. “Is that blood? Damnit!”

“No one going anywhere,” says one of the Turks as he checks Millibank for weapons and pulls a second pistol from within Millibank’s coat. “Not until boss arrives.”

“Boss?” says Timmy. “But you don’t mean that it’s… ” Timmy trails off in fear.

“He surely does, Timmy,” says the Inspector with a growl. “Only one villian is dastardly enough to solve the riddle and arrive in the tomb before the great Professor Intelligent. Their boss must be…” he says, with a final pause before dramatic effect.

“Look, I think I’m really bleeding here,” says Professor Intelligent. “It’s starting to get on my coat. Oh god, and who knows what kind of fungus is growing down here? This can’t be safe.”

“Dr. Vile!” say both Timmy and the Inspector in a fright.

“The one and only,” says the evil Dr. Vile, emerging from the end of the chamber with a twirl of his mustache and a grin to match his name.

“All right,” says the Professor. “That’s it, then. Look, I don’t know what’s going on — last I remember, I was drinking in some bar, and the next thing I know the kid and the cop are dragging me around some dark temple place. I just want to go and get some medical care and hopefully some painkillers. I know you always have some plan going on, and really, that’s fine by me, let’s just –”

“ENOUGH!” shouts the terrible Dr. Vile, and motions to his two minions to grab some nearby rope and tie up our three adventurers. “You’ve tangled with me for the last time, Professor Intelligent! I knew that if you were in Cairo, you wouldn’t be able to avoid the mystery of the Tomb of Imhotep!”

“You mean you solved the Riddle of the Sphinx too?” exclaims Timmy, now tied up with the Professor and Inspector Millibank. “You found the golden feline and replaced it in the Emperor’s harem before dawn on the day of reckoning!”

“Look,” says the professor, “I don’t know where he gets this stuff, seriously. I think he just makes it up. We can go, it’s fine.”

“I did!” shouts Dr. Vile, twirling his mustache even more menacingly. “I made plans to arrive here even before you did, and ambush you myself! And now you’ll be able to see my final triumph!”

“No!” shouts Timmy. “Professor, he’s found the Ancient Chalice of Imhotep!”

“Seriously?” asks the professor with exasperation. “Is that a real thing? Where are you getting this stuff? Millibank, do you have any idea what’s going on here?”

“No, sir,” says Inspector Millibank faithfully, “but then again you’re usually the one who solves all of the mysteries.”

“See, Vile?” sighs the professor. “This is what I’m dealing with. I don’t care what you do or what you have wired to explode or whatever. Just let us go.”

“Silence!” retorts Vile. “I… actually do have this whole place wired to explode. I’m surprised you saw through that part of my plan!” The two Turks exchange looks of slight alarm.

“Are you kidding?” asks the professor. “You always have something you want to blow up or — look, seriously, I don’t care. I’m bleeding here. Just let us go.”

“Never! Now that my plan is almost complete, I can tell you: I’m going to drink from the chalice! And then I’m going to blow this whole tomb sky high!”

“But, you’ll kill us all!” cries Millibank.

“All of us, Inspector,” says Timmy. “But not him — he’s got the chalice!”

“Exactly right, Timmy,” replies the evil doctor, and pulls a golden chalice from beneath his scientist’s coat. “I will drink from the chalice, and earn eternal life! You’ll all be blown to bits, but I will survive!”

“No!” cries Timmy. “Professor! We’ve got to stop him.”

“Ah, you stop him, you little snot. I think — I think I’m losing consciousness,” the professor replies, his eyes slowly closing into what must surely be deep thought about their current predicament.

“Now,” Dr. Vile speaks, “I will drink, and live forever! Turks, light the explosives!”

The Turks look at each other, and then at Dr. Vile. One of them speaks: “We do not think so, effendi.”

Dr. Vile is incredulous. “What!? Do as I say! Obey your master.”

“We will help you find your treasure,” says one of the Turks. “But drinking from the chalice must not be done.” They advance on the doctor.

“Professor, wake up!” whispers Timmy. “I think something is happening!”

The Doctor makes a desperate move to sip from the chalice, but one of the Turks is on him like a flash, knocking the cup from his hand and spilling its liquid on the tomb’s floor. The other moves quicker than lightning across the desert sky, and soon the Doctor is vanquished, unconscious on the rough stone.

“Professor, you did it!” says Timmy, and Millibank seems to move to protest but then shrugs. The professor says nothing, lost in thought, a little drool falling from his mouth and blood from his head wound slowly coloring his coat-collar.

“The doctor reached too far,” says one of the Turks to Timmy. “We will let you go, if only we get your word that you will stay away from the Ancient Chalice.”

“Of course!” says Timmy. “The professor seeks only knowledge, not eternal life! We’ll leave you and your tomb alone!”

“Then we will let you go,” says one of the Turks. “And we will return you safely to Cairo. But first, we best seek medical attention for your friend.”

“Uggghhhh,” says the professor as he is untied. And the great genius does not speak again until back in the haze of morphine in a Cairo hospital.

So once again the great professor has defeated the villian and saved the day! But what will become of the evil Dr. Vile? And who are the two helpful Near Easterners who assisted our hero?

Stay tuned for more of Professor Intelligent’s Thrilling Tales of Thrills!