Hiya folks!

I forgot to mention that I posted a review of Sid Meier’s Pirates at RJ’s the other day. I tried something new with it, and I like the way it worked out. Also, we need lots more votes over there, so go over there and vote for the Jimmies. Work that funky magic, boo.

Two super amazing things coming up this week. Tomorrow: a new feature!, and Friday: another new feature! I promise both will be fun and interesting. And fun. Did I mention interesting?

But today, it’s…

It is 1901, the beginning of the modern century, and with every approaching year, new technologies arise to advance the cause of human civilisation! But with them come the remnants of an older time, villians and mysteries of the otherwordly and supernatural! Against these dark forces must arise new heroes, shining examples of the human ability for knowledge and learning, beacons of reason and science against the darkness of history. The best of these is PROFESSOR INTELLIGENT, who, along with his assistant TIMMY, is constantly challenged to defend the good against the evil, the best against the worse, the reasonable against the unreasonable!

Our story begins in the eastern wing of the National Gallery in London’s Trafalgar Square, at the center of the modern culture. It is late at night, and the Professor and Timmy have been wakened by a desperate message from INSPECTOR MILLIBANK, the chief of the London Police. They were called to the gallery due to the most urgent of needs, and now the moonlight filters through the buildings skylights as they make their way through the darkened halls. At the easternmost end of the wing, the Professor and Timmy find a lighted door, and as they enter, they see the Inspector looking at a museum display case.

The case is empty!

As he walks through the door, the Professor (who is nursing a headache from the consumption of too much brandy earlier in the evening) barks, “What’s the meaning of all of this?”

“Professor!” cries the Inspector. “Thank goodness you’ve arrived! And Timmy! I daresay we’ll need all your help on this case, Professor! It’s quite a mystery!”

“Right, a mystery and all that. Not so loud.” The Professor rubs his head and wonders if he should have taken a brandy shot before leaving for the museum. “What’s wrong?”

The Inspector is aghast. “It’s the Silver Monkey! It’s missing!”

“The Silver Monkey!” exclaims Timmy excitedly. “The Silver Monkey of St. Antonio? Carved in silver with a single red gem in its forehead, it was a relic of the Spanish conquistadores, and rumored to bring eternal life to anyone who was able to figure out its secret! No one ever did, and I thought it had been returned to Spain and was hidden away there!”

“Quite so!” answers Inspector Millibank. “It was brought to London not five years ago, by way of an agreement with the King of Spain. But now, Professor, it’s gone missing! You have to find it!”

The Professor sighs again. “Are you sure it was here? It’s totally in the last place you look. What’s that over there?”

“Ah!” shouts the Inspector. “There it is!” He moves to pick it up, and sure enough, the Silver Monkey has been found! The Inspector picks it up, and thanks the Professor profusely for his help. The Professor shrugs it off, tells him to quiet down, and limps off to a corner to find somewhere to sit down so the room stops spinning.

However, Timmy is first to notice something is amiss! It seems the gem from the monkey’s forehead is gone!

“Where did the Professor go off to?” the Inspector wonders aloud. From behind an ancient African hunting mask, the Professor’s voice hoarsely answers that he’s still listening. “Professor, we have to find the gem! It could be that someone is after the monkey’s secret!”

“And look, Inspector,” says Timmy, holding the monkey upwards at an angle. “There’s an empty cavity where the gem was being held! And there’s something inside!” Timmy shakes the monkey upside down, until a round gold object falls to the floor! The Inspector picks it up and gasps! It is a gold French coin scarred with a knife on both sides! The calling card of the EVIL DR. VILE!

“Professor!” the Inspector yells again, his voice now hoarse from all the frantic shouting. “We should have known Dr. Vile was behind this all along! He must be after the Secret of the Silver Monkey.” And from behind the African mask, the Inspector is answered with heavy snoring!

After the Professor is awakened, the intrepid do-gooders rush across town to the evil lair of Dr. Vile, hidden underneath the London Bridge. Quickly, the Inspector and a small police force rush in, with Timmy and a half-awake Professor following behind. They are greeted with a gruesome sight– a mad laboratory, full of potions and steaming formulas and strange modern devices. In the center of the room is Dr. Vile himself, strapped to a strange metal table. A newfangled lightbulb (not yet lit) is hung above him, with a focusing lens that appears to aim the beam through a bit of cheesecloth, and into.. THE GEM OF THE SILVER MONKEY! Upon the entrance of our heroes, Dr. Vile lets out a villanous laugh and tells his visitors to hold where they are!

“Hold where you are!” the dark villian sneers from his table. “I have laid explosives over the whole bridge!” He motions to a set of switches on a panel next to him. “One step further, and I’ll blow this whole half of London to little English bits!”

The Inspector calls his men to hold and angrily turns to the evil Doctor. “You won’t get away with this, Vile!”

The Professor, in his intelligence, appears not to be paying any attention, and visibly sways back and forth behind the coppers. Seeing a set of potions on a table, he stumbles his way over and starts inspecting them.

Dr. Vile laughs at the Inspector and his men. “That’s Vilè, you fools! It’s French! Anyway, I’ve already gotten away with it! As soon as I hit this switch, this concentrated electric light above me will focus through the cheesecloth into the Silver Monkey’s gem, and I will be granted eternal life! And there’s nothing you can do about it!” And with that, he lets out another maniacal laugh.

“You got any cough syrup?” yells the Professor from the nearby table where he’s browsing awkwardly through the various potions and liquids. “Nyquil? Dayquil? Hell, I’ll even take a Jolt at this point. Man my head is killing me…”

“Professor Intelligent!” screams the Dr. upon hearing his old foe. “So glad you could join us, and witness my final triumph!”

“Right, whatever,” answers the Professor. He fumbles through a few more potions, and then accidentally knocks one of them on the floor with a crash. “Ah, crap. Sorry about that. Way to go, Intelligent.” He begins to walk towards the table Vile is tied to. “No, don’t get up, I’ll clean it up. My bad.”

Vile is furious. “What are you doing?!? Do you want to get us all killed?! I’ve got the whole place wired, I’ll blow us up if you come any closer!” The Inspector panics and turns his men back towards the door, pulling Timmy along with him, who watches the whole exchange with wide eyes and earnest respect for his mentor.

“Calm down, Frenchie, I just need something to clean that mess up. This’ll do.” The Professor finishes his walk towards the device the Dr. is strapped into, finds the cheesecloth, and pulls out from inbetween the gem and the light, then walks back to the spilled liquid mess. “No big. I’ll get it right back to you.”

“No!!!” screams Vile, and flips the switch on the panel. In his rage, however, he flips the wrong switch, and instead of the bridge exploding, the concentrated light above him is turned on. Without the cheesecloth in place, however, the light passing through the gem is too bright, and a flare of red bursts throughout the laboratory!

When the Inspector returns inside with Timmy and his men, he finds the Professor finished cleaning up his mess, and the table Vile was laying on empty!

Timmy is first inside, and is thrilled upon finding the Professor in his normal condition. “You did it, Professor! Dr. Vile is gone!”

“Yes,” agrees the Inspector happily, “the villian has been defeated, and the gem has been returned to the hands of good! What a blessing England has with you in her country, Professor Intelligent!”

“Right,” says the Professor. “God, it’s late, but I’m totally starving. Anybody want to hit up IHOP?”

But what has really happened to Dr. Vile? Is the secret of the Silver Monkey completely solved? And will the Professor make it to IHOP?

Stay tuned for more of Professor Intelligent’s Thrilling Tales of Thrills!