ANNOUNCER: … and that’s why I had to apologize to her! Pretty embarassing, I know. Well, here we are in Millenium Park in Chicago, and we’re waiting for the appearance of Mike Schramm. He’s called a press conference, and all the major newspapers, television and radio stations, and fans are here, and he should arrive any moment now. And… wait, here he is. He’s making his way to the podium. We now join him live.

[SOUNDS OF LIGHTBULBS FLASHING]

MIKE: Good afternoon, everyone. First off, I want to thank you all for coming out on such short notice. The amount of interest we’ve had in this is– well it’s just overwhelming. And I thank you all for your patience this afternoon. I have a written statement, and then we will have a short question and answer period.

My name is Mike Schramm, and I have a website at mikeschramm.com. On it, I post errata and different pieces that I write– mostly junk that I think is funny and/or interesting. I will get an average of 30 or 40 visitors a day, until yesterday. Yesterday at about 6:49 p.m., my site was listed on both USA Today’s hipclicks, and Boingboing.net. Since then, my site is getting hundreds of visitors every few hours.

Also, during the past few months, I have been working for a small Chicago weekly called Newcity. I’ve written numerous pieces for them in the past, including a shattering expose of a videogame release party. My work there has gone smoothly, but largely unnoticed. Ladies and gentlemen, I am here today to tell you that is the case no more.

I, Mike Schramm, would like to announce that today Newcity has published a story of mine. As their cover story.

[MURMURING AND GENERAL RESTLESSNESS]

MIKE: I know, I know. I just want to assure everyone that this is real, and that you can find the issue of Newcity featuring my cover story on newsstands now in Chicago, and everywhere at the website linked above. Now, I know a lot of people will feel the need to start panicking or question the reason of their decision, but I’m here to tell everyone that no doubt is necessary. There’s no reason to worry, there’s no reason to fear. This is just a normal, and natural, result of the process that has led us to this point. Please understand that we’re doing everything we can to make sure that this goes well. I will now take any questions. Let’s start with you on the front.

REPORTER1: Are you saying that your web presence has not only multiplied, uh, exponentially, but that a respected publication with a large circulation has given you real estate on their cover, and the largest feature in the magazine?

MIKE: That– That, according to my information– That appears to be the case, yes. You on the left.

REPORTER #2: Hello, Mr. Schramm. Jenny Lewis, WABC New York. How do you respond to allegations that the piece you wrote that led you to get listed in USA Today’s hipclicks was actually based on another website’s information?

MIKE: I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.

REPORTER #2: The piece that was linked to was an interview with a person standing in line for Star Wars, correct?

MIKE: That is correct.

REPORTER #2: A source tells me that that interview was possible with information from another website. How do you respond?

MIKE: Oh, I see. Let me explain something. The piece in question was an interview with someone on a pay phone. I obtained the number to the payphone from another website. But I called the number myself, spoke on the phone myself, and operated the tape recorder myself. I did all of these things. So, this idea of the information being possible– that’s just not true. I wrote that piece. Another question? You, in the back.

REPORTER #3: Mark Chopper, Washington Post. What is the Newcity article about?

MIKE: Good question. It’s about Sam Weller, the author of The Bradbury Chronicles, the first biography of Ray Bradbury. For the article, I not only read the book in one day, but got to visit the Rick Kogan show this past weekend, and got to speak, on the phone, directly to Ray Bradbury. I will say, and you all can quote me on this, that writing the article was a great experience, and I am better for it. Let’s have another question. You, with the red blouse. Yes, you.

REPORTER #4: My name is Mary Simon from KTLA Los Angeles. Mr. Schramm, this is all very exciting for you. What do you plan to do next?

MIKE: Thank you, Mary, good question. Well, I don’t plan to stop, I’ll tell you that. You can check back at the website for hilarious content all the time. At least most of the time. At least two– no, wait. Ok, maybe 1/10ths of the time. But I try. Also, I’ll be attending the Sam Weller reading this evening at Sonotheque. So I expect you all to be there! There will be free beer, so you know it will be a good time. So, to answer your question, Mary, I plan to get drunk!

[LOUD LAUGHTER FROM ALL SIDES, GENERAL ADULATION]

MIKE: Ha! Well this has gone great, thank you all for coming. Thank you, thank you. No, really, thank you. No. Really. Thank you.

ANNOUNCER: Wow. Interesting announcement from an interesting man. I’d love to spend some time and discuss this, with you, Announcer #2, but I’m afraid I won’t. Just don’t want to. Not at all. In fact, I’m quitting. Take this announcing job, and shove it!

ANNOUNCER #2: We’ll be right back.