Happy Friday again, people. I don’t know about you, but I’m glad it’s here. It’s been a crazy week.

Last night, for example, I pretty unwisely stayed up until five o’clock in the morning playing my new obsession, Sid Meier’s Pirates. The game’s great– you play as a pirate, and do everything from raiding enemy ships to swordfighting, to dancing with governor’s daughters, to working for the man (England, Spain, France, or the Dutch). It’s interactive piratey goodness, and I’m hooked.

Which got me thinking, pirates are really underrated in their usefulness. I mean sure, everybody knows a good pirate joke, and they’re good for a tale of mystery and treasure hunting or so, but have you ever thought of putting pirates to work in real life?

I have. Meet Dan. He’s a regular schmoe, working for a living and trying to get along with his girl. His life is pretty mundane. Here’s Dan at work:

BOSS: Dan! I want that report on my desk by 4:30! Fax this letter! And where’s my coffee?!?

DAN: Yes, sir.

Pretty dull, right? But let’s give Dan a pirate, and see what happens:

BOSS: Dan! I want that report– wait, what the hell’s this?!?

CAPTAIN BLACK JACK BLACKBEARD: Arrrr, ye ugly landlubber! Get yer own report! I’d ruther tumble with a trio of narwhals afore’n I’d serve the likes of you! And Dan here is more than worth his weight in productivity, so treat him with some bloody respect! Arrrrrrr, matey!

DAN: That’s right! Take that, boss! I’m going for a smoke break!

CAPTAIN BLACK JACK: Aye, Dan! Yo ho, yo ho, blow the man down!

See there? Dan’s life is ten times better, simply because there’s a pirate around. And not just his business life– a good pirate can help your love life, too. Dan’s been interested in Stacy, the local Starbucks barista, for a while, but hasn’t ever worked up the courage to talk to her. Let’s see what happens:

STACY: Hey, Dan.

DAN: Oh, hey Stacy. Ummmm… Tall soy mocha? And a chocolate chip cookie.

STACY: You got it.

Oh, man, Dan, you really blew it that time. What he really needs, of course, is a pirate. Let’s give him one.

STACY: Hey, Dan. Oh my God, why is there a pira–

CAP’N MAD DOG REDBEARD MCGRAW: YARRRRRR, Mates! I’ve just slung in from three months at sea and the boys’n I require some sustenance of the wenchin’ kind! This fine filly’ll do!! (lifts a screaming Stacy over his shoulder and heads for the door) Dan, grab the soy mochas and Old Captain Starbuck’s buried treasure of biscotti!! Yaaarrr!

DAN: Ahoy Cap’n! A pirate’s life for me!

Look at that, he got the girl and the biscotti. Yes, folks, a pirate is what everyone needs! Some jerk on the train won’t stop yelling inconsiderately into his cell phone? Sic a pirate on him! Cop pulling you over for speeding when you’re late for work? Have a pirate raid his patrol car! Yes, a pirate is the solution to all of life’s problems.

And that’s why I’ve started my own company, Rent-a-Pirate. For an incredibly small fee, you too can have your very own pirate. And, odds are, he’ll enjoy pillaging your life so much, he’ll stay around for free! Don’t wait! Call 1-800-SCURVY1 now, and avast ye, matey!