The new issue of Newcity is out, which means you can read my writing about Chicago’s place in the world (2nd item), what movies would make good videogames (I contributed, even though I’m not credited), and my encounter with a C-list movie star.

There’s a full moon out tonight in Chicago, and so I figured I’d provide a public service announcement for those of you dealing with a sudden change in lifestyle (and species).

Hello, and welcome to the astounding world of lycanthropy! You have probably just awakened in a ditch or field, with your clothes and hair torn and dishelveled. You’ve probably got a few scratches on you, some of which may still be bleeding! And you’re probably wondering just what the heck happened to you last night!

Well, the answer is: you were bitten. Remember that big black wolf-shaped creature that was following you through the underbrush? Yep, he got you, and now you, too, are a werewolf! You’re a creature of the night, destined to walk the earth as a horrible, cursed man/wolf, living a life of treachery and feral violence by the light of the full moon!

But don’t get us wrong, being a werewolf is a wonderful thing. Once a month, you get to break loose and really paint the town red (blood red, that is!). You’ll always have the upper hand in a fistfight, and, even without trying, you’ll be able to get that rugged, unshaven look that makes the she-wolves go insane! Like your meat raw? You’ll get plenty of it! Becoming a werewolf could be the best thing that ever happened to you!

Here’s a few friendly tips to help you on your werewolfy way:

-First, you’ll probably need to relocate. You might want to move to a rural, out-of-the-way area where bypassing travelers won’t be missed if they happen to meet bloody ends in the backcountry. Also, you’ll need a dingy bar to frequent, so that your disheveled condition can be mistaken for drunkenness. Mexico is pretty good for this– many a werewolf has spent his days as a locohombre, preying on passing gangsters and mariachi bands.

-Being a werewolf, you’ll tend to go through clothing pretty quickly. It’s always good to keep it simple, and try to wear loose fitting attire, so that when your hair and wolfy muscles grow in, your outfit doesn’t get too stretched out of shape. Sometimes, however, you just can’t avoid howling and ripping your shirt during your painful transformation, so for those times, it’s good to keep a spare outfit nearby.

-Speaking of that painful transformation, you’ll want to make sure you know when it’s coming, so be sure to mark your calendar every month. It’s considered something of a faux pas to transform among humans, not to mention extremely awkward– you usually end up mumbling something about having to leave and trying to hide quickly appearing outgrowths of embarassing hair. It’s just not civil, so make sure you’re ready for the transformation when it comes– it’s a good idea to check www.nasa.gov for the full moon schedule every month.

-And, of course, once you’re in wolf mode, the sky’s the limit. Traditionally, you’re meant to attack livestock and corpses, but you won’t be able to resist going after a fresh human baby every once in a while. And who can resist a screaming maiden running aimlessly through the woods just after midnight? No self-respecting werewolf, that’s who! If you need a companion, you could even just give her a nibble, and in a month or two, she’ll be hunting right next to you.

-When killing, make sure to get rid of any witnesses, or anyone who has seen you transform. Angry mobs of torch-waving villagers are not impossible to escape, but are usually a big pain in the wereass.

-Finally, don’t forget to stay away from anything silver, especially crosses and bullets. Fortunately, most bullets nowadays are made from a lead composite, which you can easily remove and heal from. Every once in a while, however, you’ll find a werewolf hunter on your tail who has custom made silver bullets. These can actually be dangerous, so your best bet is to just sneak up on him in your human form and shoot him with a gun or something. Rocket launchers are also fairly effective. If nothing else, blame the killings on him, and when he starts ranting and raving about hunting werewolves, you can get him locked up in an institution, leaving you free to find your own prey!

Those tips should help start you out. If you need any other help, or have any other questions, just howl at the moon three long times, and then one short one, and then two more long times, and a werewolf coach will contact you shortly.

Being a werewolf is a terrific opportunity! Make the most of it! Happy Hunting!