New review at Retarded Jimmy’s. Oh, and while you’re over there, vote for the best of the year awards.

Well, we’ve only been going for two weeks, but it’s happened already– it’s time to publish and I can’t think of anything to write. Don’t worry, though, I’ve saved something for just such a situation. This is a piece that I wrote a while ago. I like it, most of all because it’s definitely geek lit, which is something I think we all need more of. If there’s one thing I want mikeschramm.com to be, I think it should be your portal to geek lit.

I submitted this piece to multiple publications, but not a single one wanted to publish it. I don’t know why that is, exactly– I thought it was funny. Maybe they never played the game.

Day 1: Ours was a love that was chaste and pure. At first, we had seemed opposites–she in her frilly pink dress, and I in my plumber’s cap and dirty overalls. She was a princess, after all, and I was a merely a plumber. But she’d always said it was something about my eyes that got to her, big and blue, peeking out from between my cap’s M and my black bushy mustache. The same mustache that tickled her soft, gossamer lips, and sang her praises in a high-pitched and accented voice night and day.

We’d met under the strangest of circumstances. She’d been kidnapped by a burly ape, and I, seeing her and loving immediately, had raced up flights of stairs and over barrels to be with her. Perhaps that too added to our love—somehow I’d always seemed the hero, and she the Princess in despair.

But this morning, I woke to find her gone again. I suspected foul play, though Donkey Kong had long returned to the jungles. And, against Luigi’s fervent pleading, I abandoned my wrenches and made my way here, where my journey begins. I stand now looking out over the wasteland, laid deep with bricks and pipes, and wonder where my Princess has gone. Tomorrow I will set out to find what I may find, and I fear it may be a long time before I hold her sweet hand in my large white gloves again.

Day 3: Fairly easy going early on. I found, to my surprise, that a few of the bricks floated maybe twice my height above my head. At first, no matter how hard I hit them, I couldn’t break them open at all, but as fate would have it, I stumbled upon a mushroom, and, not having brought any supplies (shame on Luigi for not reminding me), quickly ate it. I fear to wonder what mysteries this strange land holds—on finishing my makeshift meal, I literally grew to almost one and a half times my height! Oh, if the Princess could see me now! Drunk with my newfound power, I leaped higher than I ever had before at one of the floating blocks, and broke it open, splitting it into four distinct squares that quickly fell into oblivion. I broke a few more, and eventually a few coins burst out, which I quickly collected. Where I might end up spending this new currency, I have no idea, but I assume it will come in handy eventually, even if I find it hard to believe a vendor can exist here among the bricks and pipes. I was thrilled with my success so far.

Until the turtles arrived. Cursed creatures, they seemed to be only able to walk in one direction—towards me. Thinking quickly, I pounded my boot on its head, trying to squash it (I should have brought my wrench!), and crushed it so hard that its shell flew away into the distance. I had no time to celebrate however, as I realized with horror that the shell had hit a brick and was quickly making its way back towards me! I tried to move right or left, but found I could only move forward or back, and before I could realize to jump, the shell hit me and flew off behind me.

I was not seriously hurt, except that the mushroom’s effects appeared to be removed quickly, and I shrunk back to my former size. Truly, this world has much to teach me.

Day 6: A flower today. Glowing with red and white, I again ate it hungrily, suspecting that it would help me as much as the mushroom had. I was half right—now I found that I could, out of nowhere, hurl balls of red and yellow fire, albeit only two at a time. I made quick work of the turtles and sprang down into a pipe, finding myself underwater! I struggled to breathe, and then discovered that I didn’t have to, but the water was full of fish. Making my way slowly around each of them, I collected a few more coins, and only suffered once more when one of them touched me on the way out, reducing my back to my former state yet again.

I climbed up out of the water, and found myself in front of a large flag. Overjoyed at my survival through such tasks, I jumped up and quickly raised it, and no sooner than that, heard the loud cracks of three fireworks around me! Do I have an ally in this strange land? I looked on, and saw only the dark shadow of a castle, an inverted arrow on the horizon that I am sure must hold my Princess. Tomorrow I will face it, and tomorrow my journey must end.

Day 7: Devastation! My journey is no more at the end than it was at the beginning!

I entered the castle’s gates at a slow pace, taking my time before I found out what was inside. Entering the darkened cavity, I found more fireball traps and lava pits, evaded only barely by a few well-timed jumps. After finding another mushroom and again doubling my size, I continued down the passageway. Now, numbers of fireballs flew down the passageway after me, and nimbly I dodged each one, knowing that any misstep would rid me of my fragile power.

At the end of the corridor, I found a terrible sight. A huge cavern filled around me, split down the center by a bridge that carried its way across a fiery field of lava below! Fireballs sprung up on either side, warming my face and almost singeing my ‘stache. And at the end of the bridge, I encountered a monster more fear-inducing than any ape: a huge mutated turtle, breathing the fireballs I’d dodged before, was jumping and hungry, blocking the door behind him. Scared to my wits, I hardened my spirit, and thought of my Princess—it was for her that I’d started and for her that I’d continue.

I ran quickly towards the beast, jumping one fireball and ducking another on the way. Behind him I saw—what was that!? An axe! I leapt over him, reaching for the weapon I thought I’d seen, hoping to grasp something that might help me slay the atrocity. My gloved hands touched the object, and I realized that it was no axe—it was a switch. Gears ground around us, and time seemed to freeze as the bridge suddenly rolled itself up mechanically behind me. The turtle lost its foothold, and, screaming, fell into the burning pit below.

I nearly wept with happiness. Success was mine, and the Princess must be behind the door before me. Breaking open the door with the same steady pace that I’d used to enter the castle, I walked inside and almost cried her name looking for her sweet face.

But of course she wasn’t there. There was only a servant, who told me, my face buried in my hands, that my Princess was in another castle.

I will continue. I will find you, Princess, my love, my daisy, my peach. No matter how many lives it takes (hundreds? millions? three?), or how many worlds I have to cross (eight, unless I can find a way to warp between them), I will rescue you, and again will cradle you in my arms up against my dingy overalls. I promise you this, my love: no mushroom, turtle, or Bullet Bill will keep our steadfast spirits apart.