“Doctor Myra Vanderhood” of Pherotones fame has posted a link back to my article about pherotones, and in doing so says some really nice things about me. Thanks, Doc!

At work, we’ve been a little concerned about this whole Alito thing. The Democrats really should filibuster (the guy’s gonna roll back Roe vs. Wade! What’s next, civil rights?), but they’re all too scared to say anything in case the Repubs throw it back against them. But I had an idea. If all of us send John Kerry a case of beer, we just might get him drunk enough to speak his mind!

Kerry’s Drunk Filibuster

“The chair recognizes the honorable… John, are you inebriated? The chair recognizes the inebriated Senator from Massachusetts.”

Kerry stumbles up to the podium, clutching a 40 can that’s clearly empty.

“Thasnks, Mr. Chairmannn. OK, lissen up you suckers. I gotsh something to shay.

Fhirst of alll, you all suck. I meansh it. Even you, Frist! Especially you, Hatch!

Here we gots a man who wantsh to tell wimmen what they have to do with thar bodies! I mean, that’sh crap! You jusht don’t do that! He’s going to turn back the colock… like.. fifty yearsh. And ya’ll… that is… you.. all.. aren’t doing a damned thing about it!

No, don’t look at me like that Dianne. Di-anne. Feiinnnnsteeein. I know what you’re all thinking. But we have to stop thish man. And we have to do it with a filibush– a philly– a filly– talking a lot!

Di-anne! Oh, and shomething else. You people are crazy for letting that man Bush run thish place like this! He is friggin’ spying on Americahns!! Hasn’t anyone ever heard of the Conshstitution?? He’sh walking all over it! Get a spine, you Senatorsh!”

Kerry takes a swig from the empty can, discovers it’s empty, and throws it out into the chamber. A few Senators have to duck to dodge it.

“An’ another thing! Now, I know what you’re saying to yourshelfs. You’re saying, awwww he’sh just jealoush. He’s just angry becaushe he didn’t win the preshidency. But you’re wrong. I shee you shaking your head, Leahy. You bashtard. Stop shaking your head.

Leahy, I’m sorry. You’re my guy, Leahy. YOU’RE MY GUY! PAT! PATTY PAT PAT!

But yesh, Senatorsh. I am angry. I’m angry that we can let thish man get away with what he’sh doing! I’m angry that thish country is falling apart before my eyesh! I’m angry that the man in the White House hash filed “illegal wiretapps” and he’sh still there!

Here’s what we need to do, you bashtards. I don’t mean it, you’re all my friendsh! But what we need to do, friendsh… bastard friends…

What we need to do is stop this! Stop thish man in the White House! Bring back legishlative power! Get rid of this extremeishst, and put someone in the Supereme Court who hash the countries best intereshest in mind!

Instead of worrying about shtaying elected, let’s get our actsh together, and pass shome laws that mean something! Let’s get America back!

Let’s… I need another beer…”

Kerry passes out.

The chamber is silent for a second.

But then, applause bubbles up from among the ranks. And soon, it fills the chamber. Kerry, even though completely wasted, has spoken the truth! Alito is out, and Bush is impeached! A new Patriot Act is passed, except this time it secures our borders and solidifies international policies instead of infringing on American rights!

And all thanks to alcohol.