Thanks for sticking with me. Posts are rare lately. World of Warcraft is sucking up my life into its bottomless void. But in a good way.

Apparently, there’s been trouble over at the Brookfield Zoo. In the Penguin Pens. (is that what they call them?)

JERRY: Welcome back. We’re going to speak now to Tanya. She says that she’s been having issues with Zorita, who is also here. Tanya, welcome.

TANYA: Squaak squaak squaak!

JERRY: Here, have a fish. Tanya, who is a penguin, says that Zorita, a widow, is trying to– how did you say it backstage, Tanya? “Sex up her man.”

TANYA: Squaaaak!

ZORITA: Squaaak Squaaak Squaaak!!

(the two penguins jump out of chairs, waddle over to each other, and start fighting)

JERRY: Now, that’ s not right, break it up you two, we want to have a conversation here. Now, Tanya, Zorita has something to say as well.

ZORITA: Squaak Squaak! Squaak Squaak! Squaak!

JERRY: This is true. Zorita has found her own man, and his name is Gazpacho. Let’s bring him out!

(GAZPACHO waddles out from backstage. He is clearly only a teenager. ZORITA and TAYNA go at it again, held back by the security)

CROWD: JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!

JERRY: Ok, ok, ok let’s cool it down now. Gazpacho is here, Zorita, because you have something to tell him, too, don’t you? Go ahead.

ZORITA: Squaak Squaak. Squaak?

GAZPACHO: Squaaaak, baby.

ZORITA: Squaaaak… Squaaaak pregnant.

(GAZPACHO is shocked. ZORITA starts to cry. TANYA shakes her beak and snaps her flippers at ZORITA)

JERRY: That’s right, Zorita is now pregnant with Gazpacho’s son!

(GAZPACHO is angry, waddles off backstage)

JERRY: Let’s get some reaction from the crowd here.

CROWD MEMBER 1: Yeah, uh, that one penguin, Tanya? She should mind her own penguiny business. Zorita’s just a playa penguin, and playa penguins gotta play, baby.

JERRY: She’s actually a Humbolt Penguin, they’re endangered. How about you?

CROWD MEMBER 2: I think that Gazpierdo? Gazpacho. That guy. He’s young, but he has to come to grips with the fact that he’s going to have to take care of two chicks from now on. Those eggs aren’t going to sit on themselves, know what I mean?

CROWD cheers.

JERRY: All good thoughts. I want to thank both of our penguins for being here, and telling their side of the story. Love is never harder than in the animal world, where everyone has to fight over the best mating partners or how many fish there are to eat. We have to remember that times can be tough, and Zorita may be looking at a stint as a single mom. No one likes to be cheated on, but the Humboldts are endangered, so maybe it’s good that she sleeps with as many men as possible, even if they are as young as Gazpacho. And that’s my final thought. Take care of yourselves, and goodnight.

CROWD: JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!

(slow motion video of the two penguins catfighting)