So this past weekend I went to a freelance writers’ conference to learn how to be a better writer. Here’s two things I heard from a magazine editor there:

-You should never write anything for free. Ever. You’re wasting money.

Also,

-You should never write for your website. No one reads your website.

So I guess I’m never writing for this website again.

Q: Whoah! Lindsay Lohan is in a television commercial?!?

A: Really? Where’d you hear about that?

Q: From you. You just linked to it.

A: Oh, right. Yes, La Lohan is going to be appearing on a small screen near you (very near you– right past the coffee table with all the Cheetos and Fresca on it). She’s selling ProActiv Solution Brand Zit Cream, which is some new megascience that is guaranteed to make those zits disappear (as long as you apply it liberally every day and never stop, even when your little $20 bottle runs out and you have to buy more).

Q: Lindsay Lohan really uses this stuff? Does it work?

A: “Does it work!” he says. Of course it does! Didn’t you watch the commercial? Lindsay Lohan uses this stuff all the time, and it hasn’t just wiped out her zits for good, it’s also caused her to lose all kinds of weight, has turned her once freckled skin white and pasty, has caused her breasts to change size considerably, and has caused her to have a glassy look in her eyes and a slow wandering voice! Yes, all of this was possible through ProActive Solution Zit Cream, the only questionably legal substance Lindsay Lohan ever uses!

Q: Wow! Lindsay seems really excited– about this stuff, I guess. How much did she get paid for this thing?

A: Well, ProActiv realizes that Lindsay demands some attention, so they made sure she was well rewarded for her loyalty to ProActiv. We can’t tell you the exact number, but we can tell you she got paid even more than she did for her last commercial.

Q: Lindsay Lohan was in another commercial?

A: Yes, it appeared in theatres a little over a year ago and it was called “Herbie: Fully Loaded.”

Q: But isn’t Lindsay trying to be a real, actual, really real movie actress? What’s she doing plugging a zit cream on TV?

A: Lots of “legitimate” movie actresses have appeared on television commercials before. Don’t you remember Dame Judi Dench in her classic commercial “Where’s the beef?” And what about Mean Frances McDormand’s commercial where she smiles after receiving that Coke from the young fan? And let’s not forget Lindsay’s hero Meryl Streep’s classic spot for Dingo Diapers.

Q: Oh yeah (high pitched Austrailian accent) “The dingoes cleansed my baby!” That was great!

A: Yes, yes it was. And completely true.

Q: So who exactly is this commercial aimed at?

A: It’s really only made for two groups of people: the people who sell ProActiv, and the networks that are getting paid tons of money to show this thing.

Q: Really? You don’t think it’s aimed at people who look up to Lindsay Lohan and have money to spend on zit cream? Like, you know, girls age 13-21?

A: Ha! “Look up to Lindsay Lohan!” That’s a good one.

Q: Well, when can I actually see this thing on TV?

A: Assuming your crazy “girls 13-21″ theory is true, it’ll probably be on during shows that demographic watches, like MTV’s My Super Sweet 16, Project Runway, late night airings of Spongebob Squarepants, and PBS showings of Keeping Up Appearances.

Q: “Keeping Up Appearances”? Why would American girls 13-21 be interested in a classicist Britcom about a social-climbing suburbanite starring Patricia Routledge and Clive Swift?

A: Oh, you’d be surprised.

Q: I guess so. Hey, so I’m watching the commercial, and I notice that they only show one zit on Lindsay’s chin, and later they only show her applying this stuff to the same part of her face, not all over like you’re supposed to apply it. What’s the deal with that?

A: Well, you might think that it’s part of Lindsay’s contract, and that they don’t want to actually imply that she gets zits all over her face like some “normal person.” But you’d be wrong. In reality, the reason Lindsay gets zits only on her chin is that she has a very rare disease that only gives her one zit, always in the same spot on her chin.

Q: A disease? What’s it called?

A: Ummm… it’s called Onezit.. o… rac… nia. Yes. Onezitorachnia. Poor thing. That’s also why her voice sounds like that in the commercial.

Q: What, you mean all scratchy? Like she’s been smoking five packs a day?

A: Yes. Exactly. It’s a disease. Although I should note it’s not one that will keep her away from “legitimate” movie roles, such as anything directed by Michel Gondry or Wes Anderson! Ha!

Q: Whatever. Anything else I should know about this new commercial?

A: Only that it’s really long. So long, actually, that I got bored, and couldn’t even watch it all the way through.

Q: You didn’t? But you did at least see the part about where she’s joking that she keeps some in her car, too, right?

A: Oh yes. Hilarious.