It Came From the Black Lagoon!

Hi! How are you?

Listen, I just kind of came into existence across the road there, and– Why are you screaming like that?

Please, there’s no reason to yell at me. Why are you grabbing your gun from behind the counter? That sign said Convenience Mart, if I’m not mistaken, and it’s not very convenient for you to be screaming at me and pointing that gun around.

So, please. Stop doing that. I’m not a threat.

Ok, I know, I look a little… unconventional. I am a creature dripping with black sludge, with two glowing voids for eyeballs. My mouth is a gaping maw of acidlike substance, and I’m– oh, gosh, I’m really sorry about that. I trudged that crap all over your floor, didn’t I? That is going to really be a pain to clean up, I can tell.

But listen, I’m really sorry about that. Can I blame my social inadequacies on the fact that I just sort of melted together in the black lagoon over there across the highway? Is that a valid excuse for my informality? I hope so.

I guess it’s really not.

What are you doing now? Are you calling the police? Look, you’ve got nothing to fear from me. This Convenience Mart is really all I know of this universe, and I just saw your big neon sign, and came in looking for– oh, well, I’m not really sure what I’m looking for. I mean, I don’t know what exists, so I guess I came in looking for… enlightenment. Or something akin to that. These Fritos might work. Oh, and a Red Bull. I’ll take both of these.

Now, really, you don’t have to call the police. I’ll pay– oh. You probably don’t take mud money, do you? How about sand dollars? HA!

Sand dollars? You’ve never heard of those? They’re like a snail thing, I don’t know.

Actually, I guess I’ve never heard of them either, come to think of it.

So, listen, what’s going on in this world? Is there anything big I should be concerned about? What’s on the political palate at the moment? Any major scandals I should be aware of, in case I get invited to any cultural cocktail parties?

Oh. Well you’re right about that. With the way I look, I’m not exactly in the cultural elite, am I?

Now what’s going on out there? The police are here? You jerk, I told you you had nothing to fear from me! We’ve just been here calmly conversing, haven’t we? Well, sure I didn’t pay for the Fritos, but we were talking about culture! And politics!

That’s it. I’m eating your head.

Chomp.

Now, hold on there, officer. I didn’t see you breaking in that door there, but this is not what it looks like. I didn’t mean to eat this guy’s head. Well, I did, but it was for a very good reason. It had to do with culture and politics.

Put that gun away!! Don’t shoot–

Wow!

You shot me! And– nothing! The bullets didn’t even affect me! Now that is just beyond the ken of normal biological science, isn’t it? I mean, sure, I pretty much zapped myself into existence earlier in the evening, which is already pretty far out there by normal scientific standards. And yes, I am a large, slimey monster. Normally unheard of, I know. But, even if none of that flew in the face of every scientific theory there is (and it all does), this whole bullet absorbing thing is a real kicker, isn’t it?

I guess I’ll have to eat your heads, too.

Tasty. Crunchy, and then gooey, but tasty.

Well now. So much for the people here. I hope the world doesn’t simply consist of all Convenience Marts, because from what I’ve learned in my admittedly short existence so far, they’re all pretty boring and, dare I repeat myself, inconvenient.

So I think it’s pilgrimage time. I’ll head off down that road, and find what I may find. It’s the world for me, I reckon. Off to discover the universe, and maybe, in doing so, discover a bit of myself.

That’s good. I should write that down. Swampy: The Biography. I can see it now. The advance will be great.

Anyway, off down the road. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I can find a couple of kids making out in the backseat of a car before morning. That should be fun.

Oh, and I almost forgot. AARRRRGGGHHHH. MGMGGGAAARRRGGGHH. Yes, that’s quite good.

RMARARIRIGIGHGHHHHH!