Happy weekend, everybody!

Good evening, madam.

I am Dracula, Lord of the Night, and your host for the evening.

No, it’s not a stupid name. Please don’t call me Drac Attack, I haven’t heard that since college. Stop it! I’ll have you know that I am also called Vlad the Impaler! Does that scare you!?

No, Vlady isn’t any better. Please stop. My name is Dracula.

Do you like my castle? Do you think it’s dark enough? I have the power to summon the stormy night that you saw outside, and, because I am deathly allergic to sunlight, I have kept my home in an eternal night! Darkness forever!

Wait. Forget about the sunlight thing. I shouldn’t have told you my weakness– I mean allergy. Never mind. Damn! This isn’t going well at all! Let me start over.

Good evening, madam. I am Dracula, and I want to suck your blood! But only if it’s OK with you.

It’s not? Are you sure? Listen, I’m totally a creature of the night, right? And I need human blood to survive. And I haven’t had any in a while, so it would be great if you could just lift your head up a bit. No, I mean up and to the back. Here let me show you–

OK, fine! Forget I said anything, geez! We’ll worry about that later. Let me show you around the castle.

Man, you’re one pushy lady.

This is my ballroom. Back in the 18th Century, I used to have enormous balls here. What? Why are you laughing at the thought of my enormous balls? They were huge, and everybody always dressed up to come and see them. It’s not that funny– they were very serious, my balls. People would come to my balls and dance all night. Many great kings and queens came here, just to visit my balls.

I’ll wait until you’re finished.

Did you hear what I said about the 18th Century? That’s right, I have lived for hundreds of years! Do you like older gentlemen?

I know, I know, I’m looking a little gaunt lately, but that’s because I need more blood! Are you sure I can’t have just a little? It’ll only be a tiny bit, it probably won’t even hurt that much. No? All right, fine.

And over here is my bedroom! Do you like the drapes? I picked them out myself. No? Oh, but you like the bed? That’s not really mine. My wife picked it out for me. Well, one of my wives– I had three.

Don’t worry, they’re all gone now. They all divorced me and headed for Vegas with this handsome vampire hunter who came by a few years ago. I was so angry, I cut one of their heads off, but we’re fine now. We’re all friends, actually.

What was that? Oh, I was just mumbling something under my breath. About my wives.

Anyway, if you’ll follow me down these stairs– watch your head there, we wouldn’t want you bleeding on the floor! Down here is my basement. Isn’t it roomy? I spend a lot of time down here. Oh, you know, pondering about the evitability of death, torturing citizens, browsing the Internet. Are you on Friendster? We should share screen names!

And over here is my coffin. That’s right, I’m undead! Does that scare you? No? Man, you are totally a brat.

Do you like the gold trim on my coffin? It’s very expensive! No, I’m not telling you exactly how much it costs.

All right, fine. Guess. No, not nearly that much. Well, now I can’t tell you. No, because I said it was expensive, but then you guessed way too high. Now if I tell you how much it really costs, you won’t be impressed.

Well, Miss Rude, some people do care about how much my stupid coffin costs.

And, now, I think, it’s time for the blood sucking. No, seriously, I really need some blood. Have a seat over here. What? Where are you going? Oh, come on. Why’d you come all the way out here then?

Listen, what if we just went upstairs and had a little something to eat, and then we could see how you felt? I’ve got some very nice zombie servants, and they make a mean steak. I like mine raw!

Well you could have a salad then, I don’t care.

Oh, come on, are you sure you won’t rethink this? Come back! Don’t leave!

Fine! But I’m not validating your parking!