How It Will Probably Go

Scientist 1: Whoah, look at all of these dinosaurs we created! We really built out the whole park that John Hammond envisioned!

Scientist 2: Yup, that’s the guy who has that statue over there! Oh, and here’s Dr. Malcolm making a cameo!

Dr. Malcolm: Hey, it’s me, Dr. Malcolm. This park sure is great, but things will probably go wrong again, I bet. They usually do. According to the laws of uh, the laws of uh, chaos.

Scientist 2: Well thanks anyway Dr. Malcolm. Look, we’ve got Chris Pratt this time too!

Chris Pratt: Hi, I’m Chris Pratt from Guardians of the Galaxy. I kind of agree with Dr. Malcolm, but I do think all of these dinosaurs are cool. I have a very relatable skepticism face, which I’m putting on now.

Scientist 1: Yup, nothing will every go wrong with these dinosaurs, some of which we’ve domesticated, and some of which we’ve genetically modified to be more docile. Everything sure is great!

Scientist 2: The only real danger is if something goes wrong with the dinosaurs we genetically modified to be more deadly.

Chris Pratt: Say what??

(Everything goes wrong)

Scientist 1: Oh man, how could we have seen that coming?

Scientist 2: Run, Chris Pratt, it’s the genetically modified dinosaur, created because it looks “cool,” with no real basis in science.

Chris Pratt: AAAH! How do I get out of here and back to the Marvel Cinematic Universe??

(fin)

How It Should Go

Scientist 1: Welcome to Jurassic World! We’ve taken all of the lessons learned from the disaster at the first park, and made everything better! Look — there are tons of dinosaurs interacting with each other, creating the same sense of wonder and awe as the first movie!

Scientist 2: We’ve also based everything in real science, so it all seems perfectly plausible, even though we’re creating real dinosaurs in the world.

Chris Pratt: I’m Chris Pratt, and I think this is awesome. But I am also a fairly responsible voice of reason, especially when you combine me with a female scientist.

Female Scientist: I’m a female scientist — the daughter of that director. I don’t remember my name at the moment, but I represent man’s struggle with himself, which is the real theme of this movie.

Villain: And I’m a human villain, because the real problem here isn’t the dinosaurs just attacking humans for no reason. It’s that dinosaurs don’t have loyalties or reasoning — they’re just animals. They’re animals that man was never meant to coexist with. In fact, modern man has never really faced a true predator, and that’s why it’s so scary to put these killer beasts in very human settings. The real issue isn’t that a dinosaur is chasing us — the real issue is why it’s chasing us, and that’s because we’re greedy and stupid and we fight amongst ourselves.

Chris Pratt: Wait — I thought this was supposed to be the actual movie.

Villain: Well, it more just turned into what the movie was supposed to be about. Hopefully the new movie will recapture the great debate of the first movie, and really try to say something about humankind and our current place in our savage history. Otherwise, it’ll just be another dumb monster movie, with dinosaurs instead of slasher villains or genetic freaks.

Chris Pratt: But I still get to ride a motorcycle alongside domesticated velociprators, right? As long as it says something about man’s place in nature and his constant struggle with his own instincts?

Villain: Sigh. Sure, go ahead. Here’s a big water dinosaur eating a shark that’s a clear reference to Jaws, too.

Chris Pratt: Cool!



Posted on Thursday, November 27th, 2014 at 1:08 am. Filed under general.
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