Act 3, Scene 1

LORD POLONIUS

Ophelia, walk you here. Gracious, so please you,
We will bestow ourselves.

[To OPHELIA]

Read on this book;
That show of such an exercise may colour
Your loneliness. We are oft to blame in this,–
‘Tis too much proved–that with devotion’s visage
And pious action we do sugar o’er
The devil himself.

KING CLAUDIUS

[Aside] O, ’tis too true!
How smart a lash that speech doth give my conscience!
The harlot’s cheek, beautied with plastering art,
Is not more ugly to the thing that helps it
Than is my deed to my most painted word:
O heavy burthen!

LORD POLONIUS

I hear him coming: let’s withdraw, my lord.

Exeunt KING CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS

Enter HAMLET

HAMLET

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: For it is then that we shall be returned
To live amongst the aliens. And then
That all our troubles will fade away,
And we shall realize true cleanliness and perfection with the Thetans.
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember’d.

OPHELIA

[confused]

Good my lord… Uh….
How does your honour for this many a day?

HAMLET

I humbly thank you; well, well, well.

OPHELIA

My lord, I was here to bring rememberances, but
I believe I heard, just then, something about aliens.

HAMLET

Aliens? I can’t imagine what I would have said about that.

OPHELIA

My honour’d lord, you know right well you did.

HAMLET

Ha, ha! are you honest? Yes, well, maybe I did. But
It’s just something I believe, you see.

OPHELIA

My lord? It’s a little weird.

HAMLET

Are you fair? Oh, no, it’s not weird at all. You’re looking
At it the wrong way. We’ve helped lots of people. Drug dealers!
We’ve helped them. So many of them. It’s a great thing.

OPHELIA

Oh, okay then. I guess.

HAMLET

You’re being… You’re being a little ignorant, I think, fair Ophelia.

OPHELIA

Well, I just think that it’s pretty strange.

HAMLET

Strange? You don’t get it do you? I have to withstand
All the slings and arrows and all that, and we all need
A center, don’t we? That’s what I’ve found, a center. Through my
Auditor.

OPHELIA

I’m sorry, an auditor?

HAMLET

Yes, I go to an auditor. They help me cleanse myself, to help me
Realize greater awareness.

OPHELIA

Oh. I see. That still seems kind of–

HAMLET

That way, I can someday become a Thetan.

OPHELIA

Ok, now that’s just weird.

HAMLET

No, it’s good. Someday I will become an Operating Thetan, and
I will be a spirit who can control matter, energy, space, time, thought, and life.
To sleep, perchance to control matter!

OPHELIA

You’re crazy aren’t you?

HAMLET

Crazy like a fox! You’re just a bigot. Scientology is a religion,
The fastest growing religion in the world! I think through everything
That I’ve been through, that I feel I can sit here and say
I feel good about it. I feel good about the decisions that
I made and I’m happy. You know, I’m really happy.

OPHELIA

Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so. Either that or that
You’re an insane cultist, and either way you’re ruining the play. I’m out of here.

HAMLET

You should not have believed me; for virtue cannot
so inoculate our old stock but we shall relish of
it: I loved you not!

OPHELIA

O heavenly powers, restore him!

[Exit]

HAMLET

I jig, I amble, and I lisp on Oprah’s show, and you make your wantonness
your ignorance. Go to, I’ll no more on’t; it hath
made me mad. Get thee to a Dianetics Center, go!

[Exit]