It still kind of blows my mind that FOX news actually showed an Independence Day clip (like, the Will Smith movie) when talking about this supposed terrorist threat that Bush protected us from. I couldn’t believe it. But then I found this transcript.

FOX News Report: Terror Averted in LA!

BRIGITTE QUINN (Anchor): And again, back to what the president was saying a little while ago, this morning, in his speech on the “war on terror.” He talked about the U.S. Bank Tower — otherwise known as the Library Tower. We’ve been showing you pictures of that throughout the morning. A little background on that building that was apparently the target of a second wave of attacks that was to have been perpetrated by Al Qaeda. There are some pictures; and that’s one from the movie — the 1996 movie Independence Day.

SHOW VIDEO: Independence Day

You might remember that. It was the — I guess the first building to be destroyed by the alien invaders in that movie, so, certainly a landmark. A couple of other factoids about it. The building was designed to withstand an earthquake; unclear how it would’ve withstood an attack by an airplane.

Now, this of course is just a movie. These events are not real. Not real, that is, thanks to President Bush’s wiretapping plan. He was able to avert an attack just like this one you’re seeing on your screen now.

We’re also being told that Bush had a backup plan, just in case the terrorists attacked us with giant space saucers, as you’re seeing in the movie there. Apparently, he planned to send a scientist, played by character actor Jeff Goldblum, up to their mothership, and then infect it with some sort of computer virus. That’s an ingenious plan, and it could only be carried out by a President like ours.

SHOW VIDEO: Day After Tomorrow

Oh– now, what you’re seeing on screen is what would happen to Los Angeles if the terrorists were somehow able to control tornados. Yes, those are tornadoes destroying Los Angeles, but fortunately, nothing like that has come about, thanks to these NSA wiretaps.

Has anyone seen the movie Black Sunday?

SHOW VIDEO: Black Sunday

You can see there, it’s a blimp attacking the Super Bowl, and this, we’re being told by the White House, is a situation that could very well have happened at last week’s Super Bowl event, but fortunately didn’t, thanks to those wiretaps. These are some close situations that you’re seeing on your screen, and fortunately they were avoided.

Also, we’re told that President Bush also was able to avoid an attack by a giant robotic spider, just like the movie the Wild West, another family friendly Will Smith special effects movie.

SHOW VIDEO: The Wild West

Yes, that spider looks very destructive. Good thing it’s not attacking us! Thanks again to our President’s actions. Also, the White House is reporting at this hour that the President, through his wiretap program, was able to avoid what they’re calling some kind of Poltergeist. And apparently he was able to capture a Godfather, and some Goodfellas, and he even helped a little alien dial his way home.

SHOW VIDEO: E.T.

Yes, that’s the cute little alien there. Now, of course he’s not real, but this is just an example, you see, of what we’re being told by the White House at this hour. Apparently our President, who the alien calls “El-e-ott”, was able to hook that little guy back up with his home planet, and now everything, according to the White House, is a-ok.

Well, that’s a heartwarming story, and it’s all thanks to those great illegal wiretaps that our President put into place.

Whoops! Did we say illegal? We meant heartwarming. Good ol’ heartwarming, American wiretaps!

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