Three students went to their master and asked, “Master, what shall we do to become enlightened?”

The master pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Bring four milkshakes. One of each of us.”

So they did bring four milkshakes, and they sat down to drink them. The master finished his quickly, and then, when one of the students wasn’t looking, stole his milkshake and drank it, too.

The student was indignant. “Master,” he cried, “That was my milkshake!”

“Oh, was it?” replied the Master. “Was it indeed?”

The students were taken aback and amazed at the Master’s level of enlightenment. The student whose milkshake had been stolen muttered something under his breath that sounded like, “Dick.”

***

One day a carpet salesman visited the monastery. All the students gathered in the dining hall that evening, and the carpet salesman gave a demonstration of his amazing carpet that practially cleaned itself.

“It’s the fibers,” the carpet salesman said as he poured wine all over a sample. “The fibers are liquid and stain repellant!” he said as he cleaned off the carpet with only a paper towel. The students were amazed, and turned to the Master for inspiration.

“This is amazing carpet, indeed.” said the Master to the salesman. “How much for this whole hall, including installation?”

The salesman smiled. “Only $15.99 a square foot!” Suddenly, the Master jumped up and threw the salesman’s things to the floor. He grabbed the salesman’s bag, threw it at him, and commanded him to leave the monastery immediately, and never again return.

The next day one of the students saw the Master meditating at the waterfall. He approached the Master gingerly, and carefully asked the Master why he had thrown the salesman out.

“My brother knows a guy,” said the Master. “He’ll do it for half that. He owes me a favor.” The student boggled at the Master’s enlightenment.

***

The students were very excited, because Friday was Zoo Day. They couldn’t sleep all Thursday night, and got up very early on Friday morning. They dressed and went over to the Master’s bedroom to wake him for the trip.

When they got there, they knocked on the door. “What the–” they heard the Master say from inside. “It’s freaking six o’clock in the morning,” cried the Master from his bed. “What are you all, insane?”

“But Master,” one brave student answered, “Today is Friday.”

“Yeah, and it was freaking Friday last week, and next week it will be Friday again. So freaking what?” said the Master, and the students agreed this was very zen. But they did really want to go to the Zoo, so one of them answered, saying, “But Master, today is Zoo Day.”

“Listen, idiots, if you all don’t go back to bed right now, I’m coming out there, and then you’ll see what zen is!” The students didn’t completely understand, but before one of them could answer, a sigh was heard within the bedroom, and then the Master opened the door half dressed and said very placidly: “This afternoon, the Zoo will still be there, but this morning will be gone.”

All the students thought this was stupendous and went back to their beds to meditate. The Master closed the door, stepped over a few empty beer bottles, laid back down on the bed, and slept until noon.