So apparently Mel Gibson is going to remix all the nasty parts out of The Passion of the Christ and rerelease it as “The Passion Recut,” just in time for Easter. I thought he would go right for the sequel, but apparently he wants to build up buzz before he released The Passion II: Still Passionate. Remember all that talk about how Gibson was doing this because he felt he had to do it, and how he just wanted to spread his feelings about God? Yeah, that was all crap apparently. He wants something called money, and lots of it.

Fortuately for you, dear reader, mikeschramm.com has discovered a list of the planned edits (credit where credit is due: I had a little help from the Newcity people on this).

-The Devil, formerly played by albino freaky guy, will be played by a much friendlier Nathan Lane, although he will still have albino facepaint. Also, he’ll have a musical number.

-Mary Magdalene will no longer be a prostitute. Instead, she’ll be a nurse, and she have all the latest first aid technology when Jesus starts to bleed. And research found that women didn’t appreciate the way her character was treated in the first movie, so she’ll be much stronger and less prone to crying and running about than in the last one. Also, she’ll have a musical number.

-No more subtitles. Research found that this was the main reason the majority of Red Staters never went to see it, because “there was too much readin’ and too little talkin’.” The entire movie has been redubbed in English, Southern style. Except for Pontius Pilate, who speaks in the Queen’s English. You know– because he’s evil.

-Three new disciples have been added: Murtaugh, a devil-may-care cop with a heart of gold, William Wallace, a plucky Scottish revolutionary, and Mad Max, a postapocalyptic biker who gives Jesus a ride up to Golgatha. Gibson complained that he didn’t get to do much while just directing the first movie, and wrote himself into the script. Three times.

-Viewers were a little distraught that their savior spent most of the movie naked. Instead, the soldiers will strip Jesus’ clothes to reveal a WWJD t-shirt and jeans, which Jesus will wear for the rest of the movie.

-And, instead of whipping and stabbing, Gibson will digitally replace the guards’ weapons with foam swords and water balloons.

-A few viewers were outraged at the references to the Jewish religion in the film, so all references that appear anti-Semetic will be changed to appear anti-Scientologist. No one will care about that.

-Finally (spoiler!) Gibson has added a full half hour onto the end of the movie. Instead of just rising and walking, Jesus will rise, walk, go get an arsenal of weapondry and meet up with his sidekick, the Pope. Then, they will return to Jerusalem and wreck havoc on all who wronged him. Jesus will even, at one point when he kills a guard, say “This one’s for you, Dad!” and from where the tear fell, a hand will come out of the clouds and give him a thumbs up. And then, Pontius Pilate and the Devil will be dead, Jesus and the Pope will share a righteous high five, and the credits will roll to a remix of the original theme by Lil’ John and the Kings of Crunk.

-But after the credits, an extra minute will show a huge rock rolling back from the cave. A great light will pour out, and inside, we’ll see… Muhammad. This will perfectly set up the final sequel, which will of course be called The Passion: Revolutions.