BellSouth has withdrawn their donation to rebuilding New Orleans after finding out that NO is planning to create a state of the art, free wifi network.

Phone Call to New Orleans from BellSouth CEO Duane Ackerman

Hello?

New Orleans?

Hi, this is BellSouth CEO Duane Ackerman calling. Hi! How are you?

I’m good. Good to hear that you’re good too. Especially after all that, y’know, hurricane and stuff. You guys got pretty washed out, down there didn’t you?

Oh, well I didn’t mean anything by it. No, I’m sure things were bad. I saw. On MSNBC. Well, not “washed out,” then.

Yes, I realize it was a tragedy. I understand. I’m sorry I joked about it. I take that back.

So, listen, about taking things back–

What’s that? Oh, really? The new building is coming along great, huh? Well that’s good. We were very excited to give that to you, especially after what you’ve all been through.

Yes, we enjoyed being on TV for it, too. I’m glad you had fun.

But listen, New Orleans, we have to talk about something. There’s a reason I’m calling.

Well, I kind of heard that you’re building a free wifi network down there.

Oh, yes, I know, they are very neat.

Yes, I did hear about Google doing that in San Francisco. Well, I guess you guys could definitely be a model for future urban development. I understand that you do have a good chance to show the world exactly what a twenty first century city could look like.

But you see, that’s kind of what we’re worried about.

Well, in the 21st century, it’s a pretty feasible idea that nobody will actually have to pay for access to the Internet. With technology going the way it is, with computing power cheaper and broadcasting technology much more powerful every few months, it does seem pretty likely that access to the Internet might actually become free.

And you see, New Orleans, that’s kind of what we’re worried about.

What? Oh, well, that’s kind of what we do now. We’re the ones who charge for access to the Internet. And if it’s free– well, you see the position we would be in.

Oh, you don’t? Well– where would we get our money from?

Tech support? Ha! I’m sorry– we don’t do that. Well, we don’t do that very well.

You see, New Orleans, we’re kind of left to fight for our business. And I don’t like fighting for anything– heck, I don’t even like working! My kids have to get their $400 Xboxes and $300 PSPs somehow, and if I don’t do it by exploiting something that might well be free, I’m not going to be able to do it at all.

Right. So, because you’re so interested in this free wifi thing, we’re pulling the plug on your new police building.

I know, I know, it’s a bummer. But you see, we feel so selfishly about our own business needs, that we’d rather your police department suffers for it. Sure, they have nothing to do with any of this, and yes, we donated the building as if it was a charity, but since we disagree with your actions because they will probably cost us money we don’t deserve, I’m afraid we’ll have to take our donation back.

Well, yes, I know you’ve been through a hurricane. I said that before. But no, we’re still taking it back. Sorry about that, New Orleans– you should have realized not to mess with our hokey business model before taking something we “donated” to you.

Oh, and I think I should hang up now. We were just talking to Wal-Mart, and they said something about calling you to make sure they could build three superstores in the French Quarter, or else. Oh, and I’m pretty sure Charter Communications wanted to get in touch with you too, just in case you were planning to offer anything but their cable to all your returning refugees.

So I’m sure you’ve got a lot of rebuilding to do, New Orleans. I’ll let you go.

Yes, again, I already said I realized you had the chance to build a model city for the 21st century, but as I told you, before you think about what’s right for your citizens, you should have thought about what was right for corporations. After all, they’re the only ones who matter.

Ok, now you’re just screaming unintelligibly at me. Buh bye now. OK.