If you’re in Chicago, be sure to pick up and read this week’s issue of Newcity, because MY NAME IS ON THE FREAKIN’ COVER Ok, so it’s not on the cover, but I did write the cover story. If you’re not in Chicago, you can read my story here.

Apparently a minor actor was naughty on the set of Desperate Housewives and lost his job.

“Desperate Housewives” Set Employee Handbook

Hello, and welcome to the set of “Desperate Housewives.” We have a lot of fun making one of the most popular shows on television, and we’re glad to have you along with us. This handbook will be your overall guide to working here at “Desperate Housewives.”

Note: Due to recent incidents, some portions of the guide have changed. Please be sure to read all directives carefully. Welcome to the show!

TIME CLOCK

Please be sure to clock in and out on time every day. We need to be able to shoot on schedule, and any unforeseen delays will cost us not only time, but also MONEY! Get here on time!

Also, please allow plenty of time before showing up to be dressed. Please do not actually be dressing when a young female assistant walks into your dressing room.

PAYROLL

We will be paid every two weeks. To get your paycheck on the first and third Thursday of the month, please speak with Sandy. Note that we will pay you with a check– “sweet lovin’” as a form of pay is not acceptable. Also, when Sandy comes around with your check, please simply sign for it and avoid exposing any part of your body to her. She’s old, and we need her around to do payroll.

Direct deposit is available to a bank of your choice. However, we will no longer deposit any checks into The Bank of Your Pants, as we have discovered that is not a licensed banking institution.

OVERTIME

This is a weekly show set, and thus we will be working long hours at all times of the day. Overtime will be paid according to your original agreement. If you have been contracted through a union, please see your union supervisor for clarification about overtime hours.

Because we do work such long hours, please be sure to respect the people around you. After a long day of teasing Teri Hatcher’s hair over her eyes to hide the wrinkles, your junk is probably not something our young female assistants are interested in seeing.

SEXUAL HARRASSMENT

Sexual harrassment is not permitted on the set of Desperate Housewives, or any other ABC show. Except perhaps Wife Swap, or America’s Funniest Home Videos, if the host is feeling particularly randy. But it is not, we repeat not permitted on our show. Pulling your private bits out is definitely considered sexual harassment, and will get you fired.

Sleeping with Nicolette Sheridan is competely allowed, and at times encouraged. It is not considered sexual harrassment– we prefer to call it pity.

OPEN DOOR POLICY

All of your directors and producers (and your actors, except for Marcia Cross and Teri Hatcher) at “Desperate Housewives” have an open door policy. Please feel free to come to us if you have any questions you need answered.

Note: An open door policy does not mean that you must leave your door open at all times. Especially while changing. Please use a lock.

DRESS CODE

Please remain dressed at all times. Please.

Welcome to “Desperate Housewives”! We’re sure your tenure with us will be a creative, productive, and fully dressed one!