Demi and Ashton’s Vows

“Do you, Ashton, vow to be a moron forever, slowly falling into obscurity through a series of unfunny comedies, and forever attempting, unsuccessfully, to bank on your annoying frat boy looks and disarming hypocritically punked attitude? Do you promise, in good times or bad, to use your sitcom clout to produce as lame WB shows any crap that you and your friends think up while sitting around high? And do you anticipate the chance to grow together, at least until you get caught in the Dolce bathroom with a Playmate, get kicked back out on the curb, and have to buy your own multimillion dollar couch to sleep on?”

“I do.”

“And do you, Demi, vow to keep pushing the forty that you hit three years ago, to keep making terrible movies ever since A Few Good Men, and keep disrespecting the great and almighty John McClane by hanging out with this boy of a man? Do you promise to love, serve, and obey Kutcher as long as it keeps you in the tabs, and to give up any dignity you once earned from making out with Whoopi Goldberg and Swayze at the same time? And what about Rumer?! Her stepdad and her are only 10 years apart! If so answer, I do.”

“I do.”

“Then, by the powers given me by the state of California, I now prounced you punk’r and washed up movie star. You may now make out with the bride. Don’t forget to pick up your divorce papers near the door on the way out.”