I am growing a moustache! I have played around with growing facial hair before, but this past year I gave some serious effort to growing a real beard (it looked all right, but I shaved it when things got too itchy), and now, during the month of November, I am growing a moustache for Movember. I have spoken about it with maybe two people in the world, and no one else has mentioned it to me. If they did, this is probably not how those conversations would go.

Conversations I Have Not Had About My Moustache

MAN ON THE STREET: Well hello there, friend! I notice that you’re growing a moustache on your face!

ME: I am, thanks for noticing! It is for Movember, which is a fundraising movement that earns money for men’s health (specifically to fight prostate and testicular cancer). As you can tell, my hair is basically blond, so the moustache is hard to see and not all that impressive. But I am really glad that you noticed it and said something to me!

MAN: No problem! I appreciate your hard work (because I know it is hard work to have silly-looking facial hair on your face), and I commend you for it and your contribution to charity!

ME: Wow! Thank you for saying so!

MAN: No problem, friend!


(Bears Stadium, sideline during the fourth quarter of the big game)

COACH: Dammit! The quarterback just went down again! Where are we going to get a star lineman to go out there and protect the ball for us? I wish just one of you dummies was manly and strapping enough to do your jobs right!

ME: Excuse me — I was just attending the game when I wandered down the wrong hallway and ended up here on the field. You seem as if you’re in charge — can you tell me how to get back to the mezzanine level?

COACH: Holy crap on a cracker crumb crust! You’re just the kid we’ve been looking for! Look at that stache! Let’s get some pads on this guy and get him out there on the OL! Pad him up!

ME: Wait, what? I can’t play lineman in a professional football game! That sounds dangerous!

COACH: Believe you me, kid, with a stache like that, you can do anything. Good luck out there!

ME: No, wait — this is very dangerous. Although I am happy you like my moustache and think it makes me look manly and strong. But wait no, I can’t do this!

COACH: Let’s call a play that sends the whole opposite line piling on that kid. He can do it!


ATTRACTIVE WOMAN IN A BAR: Well hello there. I see that you’re growing a moustache and it makes me want to talk to you.

ME: Wow! That’s very flattering. You’re very attractive, so I’m glad to hear that you’re interested in interacting with me!

WOMAN: Whoa, slow your roll, cowboy. I said I wanted to talk to you. I actually have no interest in a romantic relationship right now, with you or anyone else. I’m not opening up here, because I’m secure with who I am, but I came to this bar just to think and enjoy myself, not find a relationship or even meet someone new.

ME: Oh.

WOMAN: In fact, I get the feeling you think of me as some caricature instead of a real person, as if an “attractive woman in a bar” was some sort of ritual male test. I’m a real person! I have my own thoughts and feelings! And surprise, they don’t really involve you and your insecurities.

ME: I’m sorry! You’re right, of course. I saw “Attractive Woman in a Bar” and figured this would be about another statement of manliness, but I really underestimated you and your realness as a whole and independent person. That’s my mistake!

WOMAN: Well, I forgive you — you couldn’t have known. Also, your moustache is pretty great.


POLICEMAN: Excuse me, sir, do you know why I pulled you over today?

ME: I’m sorry, officer, I have no idea. I thought these conversations were all going to be about my moustache?

POLICEMAN: What? No — you were speeding, and when I walked up to the car I noticed that you have a busted taillight. License and registration, please — this is going to take a while.


ACCOUNTANT: Mike, we need to talk.

ME: Ok, sure. Wait — is this about my moustache or not? I was sure these were all going to be about my moustache in some way.

ACCOUNTANT: What? No, not at all. Wait — you’re growing a moustache? Oh yeah — I can kind of see it there up close. You’re blond, so it doesn’t really work. If I was you, I’d probably shave it.

ME: Well, it’s for charity, really — I’m raising money for Movember, a foundation that supports men’s health. Yeah, maybe it’s not the best moustache, but it’s been interesting growing it and learning about my identity.

ACCOUNTANT: That’s cool, I guess. It’s great that you’re supporting a charity like that. And yeah, I agree that growing a moustache is a good way to make that statement. Most fashion is just about how you look, rather than about what you believe in.

ME: Yeah! That’s kind of why I did it. I like making superficial choices that help remind me why I’m supporting much-less superficial causes. I think we could all use a lot more of that, really — fashion and cosmetic looks are pretty silly, but if they’re a representation of a smarter and more powerful cause, all the better, I say!

ACCOUNTANT: That’s a nice sentiment. I am glad we had this talk. Thanks!

ME: Not a problem at all. Oh, what exactly where we supposed to be talking about right now, if not moustaches?

ACCOUNTANT: Oh — right. You’re completely out of money. Like zero dollars. In fact, you owe me a bunch of money, and don’t even get me started on what you owe the bank.

ME: …

ACCOUNTANT: Nice moustache though!

Posted on Tuesday, November 18th, 2014 at 10:39 pm. Filed under general.
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