The folks at Children’s Television workshop recently announced that Cookie Monster was going to cut back on the cookies. What they didn’t tell you was that it wasn’t a choice. By court order, Cookie Monster followed the path of the television superstar, and found himsef in rehab.

How does mikeschramm.com know this? We found his case file from the 28 day program.

Day 1: Subject is incomprehensible and moody, asks for cookies by first letter, and keeps attempting to fulfill expectations with addiction. “That’s good enough for me,” he says. When offered another outlet for his creativity and expression– a set of crayons and a drawing pad, he consumed them outright and demanded more cookies.

Day 3: Early physical exams indicate major malnutrition. Short blue hair/fur covers almost the entire body. Eyes stay almost completely open, and subject rarely blinks. In addition, eyes seem to be kind of “googly.” Further physical investigation recommended– subject appears to have no clear neck or body division remaining. Suspicion of digestive issues, especially after subject has devoured multiple househould utensils and large colored letters.

Day 4: Deterioration continues. Subject is now only able to use the most fundamental of language– is often heard to say “Me want cookie” and “Cookie to eat.” Subject also calls self “monster”; particular attention should be paid to reinforcing self esteem and self image. Suggestion for group session with recovering crack addict Oscar the Grouch. Perhaps by seeing the condition of his partner in addiction (life in a garbage can), Mr. Blue (as we’ve come to call him) can find the strength to make something more of himself.

Day 12: Progress made. Began to coax him away from “the snack”– the mere mention of his circular treat brings him almost the point of insanity. Also suggested replacement of his addiction method with healthier alternative. C is for Carrot? C is for Cappucino? If nothing else, to get him off this dependence on repetition, we suggested C is for Calming. Positive response to that.

Day 19: Terrific advancement completed– subject has been clean (“C is for…”) for going on three days strong now. Blue fur is starting to clear up, and eyes are much less googley. Subject is able to enjoy and participate in meaningful, social conversation without mentioning any type of dessert snacks. More subconscious traces have begun to manifest themselves however– when subject is asked to create a random drawing, he creates a round shape with small chips in the middle. Denying any cookie-relation, subject suggests innocently that it is a picture of the moon. However, subject also reports terrible nightmares and night-sweats, presumably cookie related.

Day 25: Devastation. After a productive group session with both Bert and Ernie (attending the Center for gender identification issues), a routine search of the subject’s room revealed a box of contraband. Subject denied any knowledge of the finding, however, when questioned, slipped out a quiet “Me want cookie,” before breaking down emotionally. Careful consideration must be made from this point on– any misstep could result in the loss of weeks of work.

Day 28: Continued one-on-one interviews with subject reveal that movement has been made in the correct direction. Subject is aware of the problem and is ready to make progress away from the addictive substance. Center’s decision is to release subject on own recognizance and wish him well– the monster is no more. Center also prescribes, however, 30 mg Ritalin and 30 mg Prozac, 2 doses per day for foreseeable future. Take with tall glass of milk.