I was trying to think of something to write tonight, and I thought, “With everybody talking about the Jay Leno/NBC/Conan thing, is there really anything else interesting or original that I can say about it?” Probably incorrectly, I decided yes.

Our hero, Conan O’Brien, storms into the NBC executive offices, demanding to speak with the network execs. He manages to fight his way into the executive boardroom, only to find a panel of three network heads, two men and one woman, calmly sitting at a table facing the door he enters from.

Conan: All right, you idiots! I’ve had enough of this rumormongering and back and forth about you and me and Jay Leno and what’s happening with these late night shows. I’m here to finish this! I’m here for the truth!

Executive #1: Conan, what’s wrong?

Executive #2: Yes, what in Gliese 581 are you talking about?

Conan: Wow, that’s a weird expression for you to use. I wonder if that will come back up later. Never mind for now, though — You know what I’m talking about! The news is saying you want to put Jay Leno back in the Tonight Show’s timeslot, and move me and the Tonight Show back to 12:05am! That’s sacrilege! That would mean that the Tonight Show would actually be on TV tomorrow!

Executive #3: Yes, yes Conan, that’s all true. But what’s your problem? Why are you barging in here?

Conan: Barging in here? How dare you murder tradition and take my hard-earned dream from me just because Jay Leno’s show failed!? Why are you asking me to pay for your failures?!

Executive #1: Failures? What does he mean?

Executive #2: I think I see the problem here. Conan thinks the Jay Leno Show was a failure.

Conan: Thinks? Of course it was a failure! His ratings were terrible, and his “comedy” is even worse! Just look at the fervor on the Internet. The show, and your whole experiment to replace prime time drama with a variety hour, was a gigantic failure!

Executive #2: Oh no, Conan. You’re looking at things the wrong way. The Jay Leno Show was making us plenty of money from advertisers. In fact, even though it’s losing in ratings to all the other networks, we’re making way more money than we ever would buying sets and scripts and actors and assistant directors for all those prime time dramas. Advertisers love his family-friendly, bland content, and his show costs us relatively nothing to produce at all.

Conan: Wait, so you don’t care about the ratings at all?

Executive #3: Why would you think we do, Conan? We’ve never said otherwise. Our chairman said earlier this year that the show was not just great, it was “exceeding our expectations and those of our advertisers”! Think about it — DVR is a huge issue with us. Heroes gets time-shifted, and our advertisers complain. The Office gets time-shifted, and our advertisers complain — plus, some of their material is considered “controversial,” though we’re working hard to convince them it’s “water cooler friendly.” But the Jay Leno Show is perfect for us — the format lets us do product mentions whenever we want, the timeliness makes it DVR-proof, and the advertisers love Jay. I just had a Coke guy bring his daughter in to see the show, they got a real kick out of the headlines!

Executive #1: Ha! I love those!

Conan: Wait, you’re saying you like the Jay Leno Show better than The Office?

Executive #1: Of course Conan — the Jay Leno Show makes us more money. Why wouldn’t we like it? We like what our advertisers like, and even if we have to charge less because ratings are low, we were still making way more money than we ever spent on ER. That show was a real anchor on the network, let me tell you!

Executive #2: Just the catering on ER was more than we pay the crappy writers on Leno! Thank goodness that thing ended.

Conan: But if you don’t care about the comedy or ratings, then — wait, so you really thought the Jay Leno Show was a success? What about the affiliates? What about the reaction on the Internet?

Executive #2: Well of course it was a success, did you see all that money we made? I’ve got a huge pile of it right here! (Pulls pile of money from under the desk)

Executive #3: The affiliates thing was a problem for a little while, yes, Conan, but they got over it. They affiliates use our content to make their money, and while they might whine about our lead-ins, in the end, they’ll always come crawling back home.

Executive #2: And the Internet — Conan, my daughter is on the Internet all the time, and her favorite show is Jersey Shore. Do you think the Internet has any taste in television?

Executive #1: (looks at pile of money and starts drooling a little bit)

Conan: Did you just start drooling over that money? Again, that seems strange. But wait, ok, I get why you didn’t care what people thought about the Jay Leno Show — it was making you money because of low costs and high advertiser interest, and I get why you don’t care about the Internet. So why are you deciding to change things back now?

Executive #2: Unfortunately, the tide turned — public opinion had it that the show was a failure, and advertisers didn’t want to be associated with a failure. We would have let Jay go for years, even if his ratings had never improved. But once the advertisers started reading in those lame newspapers — we’ll shut them down yet — that Jay Leno was a mistake, then they started believing it. That’s ok, though — we’ll still have him at 11:30, just like the advertisers want it. What they say goes. It’s not like viewers are paying us any money.

Conan: But didn’t you read my statement today? What about the history of the Tonight Show? That’s an NBC classic! NBC has a long tradition of quality programming — doesn’t that mean anything to you? Why would you break up tradition and your own brand just to make more money?

Executive #3: Sigh. Earth traditions.

Conan: Wait, did you just say “Earth traditions”?

(The three executives look at each other.)

Executive #1: Ok, Conan. I think it’s time we told you anyway. The truth is, we’re actually aliens from a faraway planet.

(They all pull off their human masks to reveal insectoid heads.)

Conan: No! The seemingly innocuous mention of a distant planet earlier in the script has suddenly turned out to be a hint at a larger truth!

Executive #2: Yes, Conan, it’s hamfisted melodrama. And as it turns out, we care nothing about your Earth traditions like the storied “Tonight Show,” your human dreams, or even the strange conceit you earthlings call “comedy.” Truthfully, we just don’t get it.

Executive #3: Coincidentally, none of our main demographics understand “irony” or “wit,” either, but as far as we can tell, they’re all still human. Just really, really dumb.

Executive #2: Indeed. But the point is, Conan, we don’t really care about ratings or art or respect or integrity at all. We only care about one thing. And that’s our main food source, Moylent Green.

Executive #1: (reaches to grab part of the pile of money, eying it hungrily)

Conan: Moylent Green? But I don’t understand. What’s Moylent Green?

Executive #2: In a strange twist of fate, Conan, it turns out that the one thing we love to eat is actually little green pieces of paper with currency values printed on them. And your planet happens to be full of it.

Conan: No! You don’t mean…

Executive #1: Yes, Conan. (Gobbles down the pile of money in a ravenous gulp)

Conan: Soy — I mean Moylent Green is money!

Executive #2: Yes, Conan. And that’s why we don’t care about anything you have to say — all we care about is making money, and then eating it to support our disgusting and lecherous insectoid lifestyle. And there’s nothing you can do about it, Conan! You’ll take the 12:05 slot and like it!

Conan: No! You monsters! Nooo!! I’ll tell everyone! I’ll tell the world!

Executive #3: You’ll tell who, Conan? Matt Lauer? Katie Couric? Brian Williams?

Executive #1: Why do you think we pay them so much? Couric can eat a bankroll like you wouldn’t believe! Hahahaha!

(All the executives laugh with their alien laughter. Conan runs out the door and down the hall screaming.)

Executive #3: Hahaha! Oh, that was fun. Which reminds me — we’ve got to call the ABC hive and have them cancel Modern Family. It’s far too good to make the kind of green we’ll need for this year’s hibernation sweeps. Let’s have them put something a little more advertiser friendly in there — maybe another Dancing with the Stars.

Executive #1: Dancing II: Electric Boogaloo! Perfect! And since we’ve just had a meeting and we’ve got a plate of money here, let’s make it lunch and eat!

(They smile and laugh as only insects can, and gobble up the pile of advertiser money on the table.)