Today I’m sharing a sketch I wrote a while ago. This was just a quick thing that I wrote up for a friend, who asked around for sketches for a YouTube channel he was working on. I punched this out really quickly, and never got paid for it or anything. The good news is that it was eventually made into an actual sketch, which I once saw on YouTube, and which was way better than this script. Still, this script is particularly relevant lately for me, as I’m playing through Dragon Age: Inquisition, and I keep finding myself doing good when I want a character that’s a little more bad.

Anyway, enjoy, if you want. This was a quick gag about something that continues to plague me as I play through these games: I can’t keep myself from playing a character who does good.

A Sketch I Wrote About Being Good and Bad, Bioware style

Mass Effect/Knights of the Old Republic dialogue-style camera views and music – a Commander, who we’ll call J, steps into frame in a space combat suit, clearly checking the world out as he walks in.

A Bioware-style alien, who we’ll call H, is waiting for him. As the two talk, the camera follows sort of a Mass Effect-style dialogue scene.

H: (real normal and nice) Hey man! Welcome to the game! Good to have you!

J: Oh thanks! Yeah I’m really looking forward to this one. I’m going to be a total badass this time.

H: A badass, eh?

J: Yeah, the past few games, I’ve been a good guy for the light side. This time around, I’m going bad guy, dark side, renegade all the way.

H: (shrugs) Great! Well I’m a vendor. I’ve got some swords, armor, medkits – whatever you need to get started.

J: Oooh, a sword! Yeah, give me something real scary. Something black and spiky.

H: (lifts up just such a black and spiky sword, points to it smarmily) This what you need? It’s a Hyperstabber 3000, perfect for the starting adventurer.

J: Yeah, that’s bad ass! I’mma buy that, get me some renegade points!

J buys it, and as he does, some light side points pop up in a really shiny, overly pink display on the side of the screen, with a big annoying shiny ding noise: (+5 light side)

H: Oooh, nice, some light side points for ya there. I really appreciate you buying something, and helping out an innocent businessman like myself.

J: (distraught) What? No! I’m trying to be a jerk here.

H: Gee, I don’t know. You could rip me off by trying to buy a medkit (holds it up) or a helmet (ditto) for half of what it usually costs…

J: Yeah! (grabs medkit greedily, throws money at vendor) (+5 light side pops up again) What?!

H: The prices were a little high, anyway. I guess that’s probably more fair.

J: (steals the helmet outright angrily)

H: Hey, you just stole that helmet. Man, nobody’s bought one of those in like ever. Thanks! (+5 light side)

J: (getting more frustrated) How do I get darkside points?! (has idea) Hey, buttface!

H: (calmly) Yes?

J: You’re ugly!

H: (touches face, then realizes) You’re right! Thank you for making me see the truth! (+10 dark side)

(next section is a series of quick cuts back and forth, as J insults H getting more angry each time, and then H realizes the insults have actually helped him)

J: (struggles for another insult) You’re… fat!

H: (feels midsection) I could stand to lose a few pounds. (+5 light side)

J: You’re stupid!

H: (thinks, agrees) Yeah, I SHOULD probably go back to school. (+5 light side)

J: You’re a smelly…

H: (smells his armpit) (+5 light side)

J: … ignorant ….

H: (ponders wisely) (+5 light side)

J: … clumsy …

H: (balances himself) (+5 light side)

J: Alien freak!

H: (quick beat, then realizes) I’ve never known myself this way, until you came and helped me. (+100 light side)

J: (really angry now, music starts to swell, looks at the sword in his hand, actually stabs H with it right in the heart).

H: (shocked, closeup) You… murdered me. (dies)

(dramatic music continues to play as J pulls out the sword and sheathes it – now, surely, he’s a real badass)

(until a poor space bystander enters from off screen, and notices what just happened)

Bystander: You killed him! You killed an innocent businessman.

J: Yeah I did. I’m the baddest renegade this universe has ever seen.

B: (beat) … Thank you so much! We’ve been trying to get rid of him for years. Hey everybody, that lousy vendor’s dead! We’ve got a new rainbow champion!

(+100000 light side points, maybe confetti falls from the ceiling, people celebrate, put a goofy rainbow vest or crown on J as things fade out)

Posted on Tuesday, November 25th, 2014 at 4:07 am. Filed under general.
You are reading, a collection of work by Mike Schramm.

This post appears in the category. To see more posts like this one, you can browse the category archives, or browse the full archives.