Defamer liked my conversation with Lindsay Lohan enough to post it. Which means I’m part of the cultural elite now, people. Take that, Norman Mailer!

Well, all week I promised something amazing in this space today, but certain circumstances have come to pass, and unfortunately, I’m unable to post what I planned to post at this time. Is that vague enough for you? I’m sorry I didn’t get it out in time. I’ll end up running it next week, so stay tuned.

In the meantime, I have this:

Q: Dear Real Life Scientist, my name is Timmy and I am in the first grade. My mommy says that Santa brings gifts to all the children all over the world on Christmas, and he flies around on reindeer in a sleigh. Can reindeer really fly?
-Timmy B., Newark, NJ

Dr. James R. Hawthorne, Ph.D., Professor of Biology at Walker University: Ah, yes, Timmy, you’re referring to Santa Claus, that jolly old elf who lives at the North Pole and delivers presents to children every year. He has a factory full of elves who make toys year round, and on Christmas, he flies in a beautiful sleigh to deliver toys and gifts to all the nice children in the world. Many say he is the embodiment of love and generosity in the hearts of men around the world.
Unfortunately, Timmy, Santa doesn’t exist. There is no record of anyone ever living at the North Pole, and even if there was, he wouldn’t be able to survive the horrible conditions there. There are many species of life on the planet, and many species of reindeer, but none of them can or ever will be able to fly. That would have to be some form of magic, and scientifically, magic isn’t possible. Ever.

Q: Dear Real-Life Scientist, My daddy says Santa delivers gifts to every kid in the world in one night. How does Santa travel so fast?
-Elisabeth M., Omaha, NE

Dr. Hawthorne: Again, Elisabeth, there is no Santa Claus. He simply doesn’t exist. Even if he did, as you suggest, the mere factor and function of his yearly trip would not only attempt to defy the laws of physics, but probably tear apart his sleigh in a burst of horrible fire from the air resistance. But it doesn’t, because he’s not real.
The truth is, Santa Claus is just a figment made up by your parents. There’s no way Santa could deliver presents to every child in one night– what’s much more likely, scientifically, is that your parents are buying presents without your knowledge, and placing them under the tree while you sleep. Think about it– didn’t they read that letter to Santa that you sent to him? When you went to see Santa at the mall, weren’t they standing just to the side, trying to hear you tell him what you wanted? No, Elisabeth, Santa Claus isn’t real– he’s just a myth, perpetuated in order to let your parents lie to you and do things behind your back. Lots of biological species have rituals between the young and old members, this one is just much more heinous and unnecessary.

Q: Dear Real-Life Scientist: I went to a Thanksgiving parade a week ago, and we saw Santa! But then I wondered how he was in my parade and the Macy’s parade on the same day. How can Santa be in two places at once?
-Brandon F., Atlanta, GA

Dr. Hawthorne: You’re a pretty independent thinker, Brandon, and you’re almost to the right conclusion: That Santa Claus isn’t real at all. Lots of people will dress up as Santa, but like the Easter Bunny, Uncle Sam, and Buddha, he just doesn’t exist. Your parents and teachers have told you time and time again that a jolly old man comes down your chimney every year, and you’ve seen him on television, in movies, on Coca-Cola cans, but time and time again, scientific studies have proven that they’re all lying to you.
Santa Claus isn’t real, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer isn’t real (a reindeer with a red nose was shot and killed in Alaska, but after a particularly intense autopsy, was found to be only a genetic mutation), and Frosty the Snowman definitely isn’t real (ice crystals have never displayed lifelike behavior in any circumstances). Scientifically, everything you’ve been told about all of them is a lie, kids.

That’s all for this edition of A Real-Life Scientist Answers Your Questions! Merry Christmas, everybody!!