Good lord. Will someone please, please, stop Uwe Boll? From MTV news:

The film version of the video game “Dungeon Siege” has changed its name to “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale,” which director Uwe Boll insists will better reflect the film’s variance from game interpretation to “Lord of the Rings”-type epic drama. Boll is also considering taking the movie (currently filming in Vancouver with stars Jason Statham and Leelee Sobieski) and dividing its near four hours of material into two movies, similar to the move Quentin Tarantino made with his “Kill Bill” films. …

I just sat through the whole of Alone in the Dark the other day (don’t ask), and so I can’t even imagine how bad Boll’s Dungeon Siege “epic” would be. Oh wait, yes I can.

The Last Scene of ‘In the Name of The King: A Four Hour Long Dungeon Siege Tale’

cast:
Jason Statham…. Howard
Leelee Sobieski.. Claire

Howard: We’ve done it, Claire. We’ve killed the dragon.

Claire: Yes, Howard, we have. I’m so happy.

Howard: And I too am happy, Claire. This dragon, that terrorized the dragon-terrorized land has been now terrorized by us. Let us take his head back to the villages, and share with them the many spoils of our adventures.

Claire: I will always remember this, Howard. All of the dragon’s meaningless but well-rendered digital minions. And the many, many predictable plot twists we had to endure.

Howard: Yes, Claire, none of us could have predicted that you were the princess, or that the dragon was let loose by your father’s ill doing!

Claire: And you, Howard– we all thought you were just a peasant with surprisingly good looks. No one could have guessed that it was your destiny to save the world from a dragon that was planning to– what was he planning to do again, Howard?

Howard: I’m not sure, Claire, but he’ll never be able to do it now. I think. We stopped him, didn’t we?

Claire: I wish this would just stop. I was in Eyes Wide Shut!

Howard: And I was the Transporter! At any rate, let’s go home.

[they walk down the path to the village, as the camera raises above them]

Howard [voiceover]: The dragon attacked us, but we attacked back. In a way, there is really a dragon in all of us. And its his job to slay us, but it’s really us slaying us from inside. We may have found loot, but there was still loot left to find. The loot of knowledge. Of the dragon.

[credits]