I don’t know why I can’t seem to talk to bartenders at bars. Maybe there’s some code that I’m not in on, or some bit of coolness that I’m just not privy to. Or, maybe they just don’t like the way I look.

Whatever it is, conversations between bartenders and I never really work out. I can’t get a message across, and then when I do, they think I’m an idiot. It’s like trying to tell a French chef how to make a hamburger.

Bartender: [After me standing at the bar for 15 minutes, and him helping 5 hot girls get their cosmos before even looking at me, he nods in my direction]

Me: Hey, can I get a–

Bartender: What you need, man?

Me: Sorry I was just telling you what I wanted.

Bartender: [Points at ear] What’s that? Gotta speak up.

Me: I’ll have a Guinness.

Bartender: No Guinness.

Me: No Guinness? What kind of bar is this?

Bartender: Only draft for Guinness.

Me: Right, that’s why I want a draft Guiness draft.

Bartender: [pours my beer in way less time than it takes to pour a Guinness, so I'm even less happy about that]

Me: Can I give you a credit card?

Bartender: Credit card? I need your ID.

Me: No problem.

Bartender: And there’s a $20 minimum.

Me: $20 minimum on the credit card?

Bartender: And I need your ID.

Me: Yeah, you said that. Look, how much is the beer?

Bartender: $5.

Me: OK, look, I’ll just give you cash.

Bartender: What’s that? Can’t hear you.

Me: Cash! I’ll give you the cash!

Bartender: You should have said that in the first place, man!

Me: I… Whatever. Here’s your money.

Bartender: What? Only a buck tip?

You can see why, when I go out to bars, I send someone else for the beer. Someday, we’ll have robot bartenders, and my life will be great.

Me: Hey, can I get a Guinness?

ROBOT BARTENDER: [Pours Guinness, taking his sweet roboty time] THAT WILL BE $5.

Me: Sure, buddy! Can I use a credit card?

ROBOT BARTENDER: PLEASE INSERT CARD IN MY MOUTH.

Me: You got it! Need an ID?

ROBOT BARTENDER: RETINAL SCAN COMPLETE. ID NOT NECESSARY.

Me: Wow, great! You’re a terrific bartender, here’s a big tip!

ROBOT BARTENDER: THOUGH I THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMPLIMENT, A TIP IS NOT NECESSARY. ENJOY YOUR DRINK, HUMAN MASTER.

Me: Awesome!

So, so much better.