July 6, 2005:

Bush collides with Scottish Police Officer during bike ride

July 8, 2005:

Bush orders investigation into “bike” machine, commissions FAA study on bike safety

July 12, 2005:

Results of FAA study reveal bike invented by German Baron von Drais in 1818. Air Force reconnaissance missions over Germany double.

July 14, 2005:

Republican Senate introduces The Bike Safety Act of 2005, which declares an limit on the top speed of two wheel bicycles. Protestors in Seattle and Atlanta burn bike wheels in demonstrations.

July 25, 2005:

House passes BS Act of 2005, Bush signs, saying “thanks to the quick action of our great country, the world is now a slower and safer place.”

August 5, 2005:

Germany petitions EU for permission to ban reconnaissance missions, mostly because they don’t like the noise. The White House releases a statement that says they are very displeased with the decision, and that the missions are required.

August 7, 2005:

The EU passes the German petition. Later in the day, the White House releases a discovery that Germans are still creating WoMDs– Weapons of Mass Displacement. The EU says, “what?” The White House replies “That’s what we’re calling bicycles now.” In a public statement, the EU says, “That’s stupid.” The White House refuses comment.

August 19, 2005:

The Supreme Court, newly staffed with Republican judges, upholds the BS Act of 2005, after reviewing the case of a man who was going upwards of 20 miles per hour on a bike. Bush, in a press luncheon, puts forth the idea of actually banning bikes, to a round of hysterical applause. Mostly from the Fox News crew, who all drive SUVs.

September 1, 2005:

The US, with the backing of the UN, sends in Bike Inspectors to see what Germany has or hasn’t made. Incredibly, they find nothing.

September 4, 2005:

“Screw it,” says Bush, and sends in troops to overturn “the corrupt, environmentally friendly, bi-wheeled” German government. “Let’s remember what this is all about,” he tells the nation on television. “I want my children, and America’s children, to grow up in a world where they are free not to fall off of bikes. This is about freedom. And children.” Americans, especially the red states, eat it up.

September 20, 2005:

Realizing the parody has gotten way out of hand, and has stopped being funny, American troops decide to call the whole thing off and go home.

October 10, 2005:

Bush decides to take up rollerblading.