So I’m almost done with God of War.

It’s pretty sweet. You play as Kratos, a Greek guy who makes a deal with the gods (Zeus, Hera, etc.) and then learns to regret it later. He’s a crazy killing machine– he’s got two Blades of Chaos that are connected to his wrist, and he swings them around with vigor and fury, slicing up everything in sight while blood goes everywhere. He’s got all kinds of magic stuff, and, while the game is complex and looks terrific (nice music, too) God of War is the kind of game where if you don’t know what to do with something, you just try to kill it and everything works out fine in the end. Great game.

But I’m left wondering one thing. Why didn’t anybody ever tell me the greek gods were so AWESOME?

Back when we were studying Antigone and The Illiad in high school, all I heard was a bunch of whining about “Oh, the gods” this and “Oh, the gods” that. “Oh, gods, please save me from my sins” or whatever. Bo-ring. Who cares about Oedipus or his brothers or something (I wasn’t really listening)? Nobody, that’s who.

But if anyone had TOLD me that this guy Kratos was around, chopping of the heads of Medusas and slicing open Minotaurs, I would have totally been interested! My teacher was always talking about like Hades was some metaphor for the punishment of the fates or something– he neglected to mention that Hades had these badass guys with flippy blade things that you had to defeat in the last level! And he also didn’t tell me about gaining the power of Hades’ Army, which lets you use magic to unleash the souls of the dead against your enemies! If that dude in Homer’s something or other had been fighting with the Blades of Chaos, I would have woken up and paid attention!

Now, it’s too late for me as I’m already a lost cause, but maybe if we get this game in schools RIGHT NOW, kids can start learning what they’re supposed to. Don’t bother making them read Antony or Cleopatra– they won’t be listening anyway. All you have to do, teachers, is let them play through to the third level of God of War, where Athena gives Kratos the blade she killed a titan with, and then they’ll start understanding what they’re supposed to: That the blade of Athena is KICKASS!

Also, when you power it up, you can totally cut footsoldiers in half with just one swipe. If someone had told me that when I was in school, I’m thinking I would be much better off today. Get on it, kids!