Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you (just in time for my goal of releasing it in 2011) my ebook, The Shape of Teeth:

What is this, you may ask? Why, it’s an ebook, in EPUB format, of 14 of my best and favorite short stories and essays that I’ve written over the years. I’ve been writing little bits and gags for quite a while, and this book collects all of the best ones, and then some. There’s a foreword by my good friend Mark Turpin, art by a few other good friends, lots of little interstitial quotes and fun stuff that I’ve written and put together over the last few months, and lots of full color pictures for you to marvel at and enjoy. You can read some previews and excerpts of the stories right over here.

And now, you can own this ebook for yourself: It’s available for $7 right now.

To buy THE SHAPE OF TEETH, click here, go over to a site called TinyPay.me (they’re very trustworthy and easy to use), and then use a Paypal account or a credit card to purchase and download the book.

BUT WAIT! Instead of buying through that link above, you could buy THE DELUXE EDITION of THE SHAPE OF TEETH, which includes not only the core book itself (so don’t buy both!), but also two more exclusive stories to read, a brand new and never-before-seen introduction for those stories, as well as a 36-minute audio podcast featuring me both talking about and reading three stories from the core book. Those three stories are “It Came From the Black Lagoon, and Was Vaguely Unsatisfied,” “The Incident in the Town By the Sea,” and “Godzilla in Love.” Trust me — the book is great, but the Deluxe Edition is the one you really want and it’s available for only three dollars more, or $10.

To buy THE SHAPE OF TEETH DELUXE EDITION, click here, and go through to TinyPay.me, which will let you buy the book (which comes in a zip file with the extra stories and the mp3 audio recording included, all DRM free) with Paypal or a credit card.

If you have any questions about this book, have trouble with the files or the file formats, or anything else, I can be reached at mike@mikeschramm.com.

I am so thrilled that you’re here to read about this book, and thrilled to FINALLY be able to offer it up to you. I hope you all like it — I’ve spent quite a while working on it (it was written over a matter of years, though the actual editing took a few months of my free time and weekends), and boy am I glad that it’s finally out and being sold.

And stay tuned — my next project will probably finally be getting that iPhone app up off the ground, so if you like buying and/or downloading things that I’ve worked on, you’re in luck, because there’s more where this came from. Thanks again!

Hey folks! Here’s a quick excerpt from one of the stories in my ebook short story collection, The Shape of Teeth, available for sale right here on mikeschramm.com this coming Friday, December 30th!

A minute or two passes. The bus doesn’t come. The man in the gray suit takes out a handkerchief, wipes his forehead, and puts the handkerchief away.

The second man steps back on the curb and sits down. Another moment passes.

What’s that? You want another excerpt from another story? Here you go!

“I fully respect the opinions and findings of the research team,” said Commander Me’reth into the microphone. She was careful to keep her face calm and her tone strong, despite knowing that her exact image in quantum duplicate was being broadcast across light years to the committee’s various homeworlds and stations. “It’s true, there is something important about Earth that surely the chronometer activity has shown. But I entreat you to find another way — there is too much beauty and power in this world to simply destroy it.”

“Are you suggesting, commander,” asked Grauthor in a gravelly voice with the slightest hint of a sneer on his face, “that we should place this tiny, insignificant blue pinprick up above the soverignty of our Lord Emperor and his realm?” Me’reth didn’t flinch. “You claim the chronometers are not to be doubted, but if that’s true, this drop of filthy, backwoods water may someday present a threat to our families, our children, our very way of life! Pardon me, commander, but I would have it recorded that such a claim, if indeed you are saying so, borders on treason and even heresy itself!”

Oh man, I would pay A BILLION DOLLARS to be able to read both of those stories in full along with the 12 or so other stories in the collection! And the foreword by Mark “Turpster” Turpin! And the full glossary, and all sorts of little bits and pieces and addons! A billion dollars!

Well you don’t have to, because The Shape of Teeth epub is only seven dollars. That’s right, when it comes out on Friday, you’ll be able to buy it for only $7.

And as if that wasn’t enough, there’s also a Deluxe Edition available for $3 more, or just ten dollars. Ten dollars is cheaper than going to a movie theater in Los Angeles, and if you live in a place where going to see a movie is cheaper than ten dollars, then you should probably go see a movie. But then skip your dinner that night, because seriously, ten dollars isn’t much at all.

And what do you get with this Deluxe Edition? Why, two more stories, which you will probably love (or loathe, who knows), AND an mp3 of me, Mike Schramm, reading three of the stories from the book. What’s that? You want an excerpt of that mp3? Why, here you go friends!

What an incredible deal! What a purchase you can make to end your year! Please come back here to mikeschramm.com on Friday, and buy your copy, standard or Deluxe, of The Shape of Teeth! I will really appreciate it. Thank you very much!

Here we go, everybody!

Yes, the ebook you’ve been waiting for is finally, FINALLY (almost) here. The Shape of Teeth is an ebook collection of short stories, essays, and various other things I’ve written, both old and new. Some of them have been published before (some on this very site), but I’ve proofread and updated them specifically for this book. Some other things have been published on other sites, but they’ve since disappeared from the Internet. And some of the things in this book are completely new. Here’s what you’ll find if you buy it:

• A foreword by the very funny and inimitable Mark “Turpster” Turpin. Yes, it’s rare to find this man writing and not talking or doing videos, but he’s written a very excellent and fun little piece to start this book off. I appreciate it very much currently, and you will too when you read it.
• Art by the very talented gentlemen listed on the cover. They all did terrific work, and they did it out of the generosity of their hearts, only so my words could be broken up by some of their very fascinating images. You’ll love these pictures, I’m sure — some of them are in color, some in black and white, all are fascinating.
• 14 (give or take a few) stories and essays written by yours truly, ranging from the scary to the silly, from the fun to the ephemeral. Some of these are just fun little jokes or pop culture bits, some of them are more in-depth and serious, and some of them are just plain weird and will make you wonder what I was thinking. There’s something for everyone — some of them you’ll love, some of them you’ll just like, and some of them will have you shaking your head.
• A full glossary of defined terms for the uninformed (or apathetic).
• A brand new three-part story that no one, even the early readers of this book, has ever actually read before.
• Plenty of gorgeous, full color pictures like that one on the cover, all taken by someone who doesn’t exist.
• Inspirational quotes to guide your way!
• DRM-free! Not actually medically evaluated by an independent panel of doctors, but it’s probably not too dangerous for you.
• And the book is available in a very convenient and easy-to-carry EPUB format, which means you can load it up on your e-reader of choice (or just use a free app like this one to read it on your computer).

This initial release will only be available as an EPUB download, but the book will eventually be on both the iBooks and Kindle stores, pending demand. The EPUB format is very versatile, though — if you have an iPad or a Kindle, it’ll be very easy to send it to yourself and open it up.

And what will this book and all of its wisdom and charm cost you, you ask? All of this can be yours for the low, low price of Seven American Dollars. ($7). That’s right — on December 30th, 2011, you’ll be able to come right back to this page, pay $7 via credit card or other available forms of payment TBD, and this ebook file is yours to do with as you please.

BUT WAIT! That’s not all!

That book sounds incredible, you say. How could it get any better?! Well let me tell you friend: it can. Because you could spend $7 on the book itself. OR, you could buy the Deluxe Edition of the ebook for just $3 more, which will land you at a nice round price of $10. And what does the Deluxe Edition get you?

• An exclusive written story, never before published, which didn’t get included in the ebook itself. Honestly, I’m not a huge fan of this one, but I’m often a very bad judge of what’s good and what isn’t, so with the Deluxe Edition, you can get this one and read it for yourself! Maybe you’ll like it.
• Also, an exclusive essay, which is about Lindsay Lohan. It’s one of the first things I wrote that went viral, and it is pretty funny, if a little dated.
• AND you’ll get the real prize here, which is a special MP3 audiobook version of three of the stories from The Shape of Teeth. You can hear me, Mike Schramm, reading these stories in my very own voice, with all of the inflections, pronunciations, and tones that I intended while writing them. If you like my podcasts, this will be fun — it’s like podcasting, only I’ve written all of the words I’ll be saying.
• Plus, I will appreciate you as a good friend. And, you’ll get first dibs on anything else I put out ever (which, according to plans, will probably be iPhone apps, or more books, or who knows what).

Boy, when you put it that way, who wouldn’t want to just go ahead and spend the $10, right? That’s cheaper than most meals these days — skip lunch and read a book! All of this will be available to the public on December 30th, 2011, so stay tuned and get your wallets ready until then. Thanks for your patience! It’s finally coming out!