The *beep* hits the proverbial fan on this week’s Happy Time.  Go check out the podcast and get the soap ready to clean your ears out afterwards.

B = Read the Book. M = Seen the Movie.

[B] 1984
[BM] Alice in Wonderland
[M] American Psycho
[M] Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Brighton Rock
Catch 22
[BM] Charlie & the Chocolate Factory
[M] A Clockwork Orange
[BM] Close Range (inc Brokeback Mountain)
The Day of the Triffids
[M] Devil in a Blue Dress
[M] Different Seasons (inc The Shawshank Redemption)
[BM] Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (aka Bladerunner)
Doctor Zhivago
[M] Empire of the Sun
[M] The English Patient
[M] Fight Club
The French Lieutenant’s Woman
[BM] Get Shorty
[M] The Godfather
[M] Goldfinger
[M] Goodfellas
[BM] Heart of Darkness (aka Apocalypse Now)
[B] The Hound of the Baskervilles
[M] Jaws
[BM] The Jungle Book
A Kestrel for a Knave (aka Kes)
[M] LA Confidential
Les Liaisons Dangereuses
[BM] Lolita
[BM] Lord of the Flies
[M] The Maltese Falcon
[BM] Oliver Twist
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Orlando
[BM] The Outsiders
[BM] Pride and Prejudice
The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie
The Railway Children
Rebecca
The Remains of the Day
[M] Schindler’s Ark (aka Schindler’s List)
[BM] Sin City
The Spy Who Came in From the Cold
[M] The Talented Mr Ripley
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
[BM] To Kill a Mockingbird
[M] Trainspotting
The Vanishing
Watership Down

And because they weren’t on the original list (I’m looking at my bookshelf as I do this) …

[BM] Lord of the Rings
[BM] Batman (all of them– and yes I did read all of them)
[BM] From Hell
[BM] Disclosure
[BM] Congo
[BM] Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
[BM] Johnny Mnemonic
[BM] The Andromeda Strain

So basically I watch a lot of movies, and I read a lot of books.

What’s that?

No, actually, I don’t have a life or anything…

MEMO: Do’s and Don’ts For the New Baby

Congradulations to everyone on the succesful silent birth! Tom and Katie are very happy with the results, as we are sure our Lord Xenu will be as well. But please remember, just because the baby is here doesn’t mean we can dispense with the ritual. Here are a few groudrules to follow to make sure the rest of the plan goes smoothly.

DO make sure the baby is kept comfortable at all times. If even one inch of that baby feels any discomfort, Tom will be pissed, and believe you me, you don’t want the wrath of a top level Thetan on your ass.

DO avoid eye contact with the baby at all times. If we look at it, it will think that it is as human as we are, and we all know that’s not true.

DO refrain from speaking to the Holy Mother Katie if at all possible. After going through such a treacherous ordeal, she must be treated carefully. And by treacherous ordeal, of course, we don’t mean the birth– we mean having to pretend she has a relationship with the aforementioned Thetan.

DON’T speak to the media at any point whatsoever. Not only do we want to surround our plans with the strictest of secrecies, but it’s a statistical fact that many people in the media have been, at one point or another, mentally depressed. They might be on drugs.

DON’T put diapers anywhere but the specially logoed biodegradable containers. They will be disposed of secretly, as we would like to avoid what we in the business call an “eBay” incident.

DON’T answer or return any calls from the Holmeses. Now that the baby’s been born, we don’t need to kowtow to them any further.

Finally, above all, DON’T make any sudden or threatening moves around the baby. We don’t know at this point when it will unleash its world-ending powers. But be assured that when it does, those who mocked our crazy religion will fall to their kneeds in anguish!!

PS. Oops, almost forgot. DO test the temperature of the baby bottle against your forearm, as a baby’s skin can be very sensitive. Lord Xenu will be pleased you took the time.

This week on el podcasto, we stop being happy… and start getting real.  Really, really real.

Chris Farley is going to be featured in an ad for an anti-drug, er, drug.

Taglines They Could Use

Sausages gave me heart attacks, but drugs killed me!

Did I use drugs when I was a kid? Hehe… why?

Use drugs… and end up in a van down by the river!

Holy Schnikes! Drugs kill!

Hey Richard, what kind of drugs were you doing up here? Was it wack-y dust??

Beverly Hills Ninja wasn’t the worst thing I ever did. It was drugs.

A fat guy in a little coat is funny. Drugs? Aren’t.

Hey, you remember that time in Die Hard when you had to walk across glass?!? And, remember that time in Pulp Fiction where you killed that guy in a fight? And remember when I used a lot of drugs? Yeah, that sucked.

If the Lutheran Church Was a Cult

Welcome to Our Redeemer of Desecration and Chaos!

Birthdays this Week: Monday: Martin Jones, Jason “The Defiler of Souls” Krigersman. Wednesday: Whitney “Sacronomicron” Moore. Friday: Martha Butenhauer. And a special Happy First Birthday to Alex, son of Margie and Arthur Holmstead, the First and Third Bringers of Pain. Happy Birthday Alex!!

Today, instead of the normal communion wine and wafers, we’ll be serving Kool-Aid and mushrooms, donated by our very own Assistant Pastor Luke. If you’d like to take part, speak with one of the Elders!

Great Shepherd of Darkness and Destruction Johnson will not be administering the service today, as he was admitted to the hospital last week for a bad case of stomacheache. Remember him in your prayers! And, oh yeah, follow his divine instructions to the letter, even if it means earning the mistrust and scorn of your friends and family! Get well, Shepherd Johnson!

Be sure to meet us after the service today in the Fellowship Hall for a Potluck of Doom! Donations of Doom appreciated!

There will be a nursery available for children during our service. Also, if you have unholy minions with you, a room will be available to keep them shackled and chained, lest they be able to go around causing trouble. Thanks to our Womens’ Club for making that possible.

We still need helpers for the Summoning Ritual on Saturday night in the Fellowship Hall! Sally Whitmore will be bringing the Altar of Flame, but if you can bring a sacrifical lamb or goat, let James Nelson know ASAP! Hope to see you there!

More podcasty fun.  Two of these three things get mentioned in today’s podcast: Leon Trotsky, tree huggers, and CTU agent Jack Bauer.  Just kidding– they’re all in there!  Go listen.

A youth advocacy group in Chicago tries to nab a meeting with the mayor, but the security guard in front of the elevators has other plans in mind.  Read my latest article over at Newcity.

Right now, I’m sitting here with my window open, smelling that sweet spring air.  Which reminds me of the last time I opened the window in my room– which was just last night, on the podcast, in fact.  Plus, in among all that madness, we somehow talk about both Snakes on a Plane, and a Hasidic rapper.  If you don’t listen, there’s no telling what might happen to you.