If you’re a regular reader of Retarded Jimmy’s (and you probably shouldn’t be, considering that site is all but defunct), you’ll probably have noticed that we didn’t give away any Jimmies this year. Rather than worry about voting and, you know, everyone else’s opinions on the best and worst stuff of the year, here’s mine.

If you have any additions, corrections, or oppositions, you can send them to me at the Contact link above and I’ll include them here.

Mikeschramm.com’s Best and Worst of 2005

Best Movie: “Sin City”

Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller not only perfectly recreated Miller’s classic comic book series, but turned it into a new kind of cinema that’s built on the old. The year’s best film combined amazing CG special effects and unbelievable makeup with old school noir and gangster-and-moll plots. Of all the films that came out this year, this is the only one where I (still) eagerly await the Special Edition DVD.

Worst Movie: “Alone in the Dark”

Yes, I’ve seen the whole thing. Yes, it is as bad as everyone says. If I could trade every single Christmas present I got this year for a guarantee that Uwe Boll is never allowed to make another film, I’d do it. In a second.

Best Videogame: “World of Warcraft”

Ok, so it came out last year, but if you’ve read this site at all since June, you’ll know that I haven’t put it down to play anything else since I got it. Blizzard (who now must have more money than God, thanks to all of their five million subscribers) not only hit this one out of the park, they grand slammed it and won the whole season. More than a PC classic, it’s a revolution in videogaming. I’ve spent more money and time on this thing than almost any videogame ever, and yet it’s been worth every second and penny. (Honorable Mention: Guitar Hero, because that game rocks the casbah harder than the Clash).

Worst Videogame: “Kameo: Elements of Power”

I actually played the “Batman Begins” game, and that was pretty bad, but Kameo wins because it’s the embodiment of the disappointment the Xbox 360 has been. “But Mike,” you say, “the Xbox isn’t a disappointment! The graphics look great, and it’s sold out everywhere!” Yes, young Padawan, but Microsoft has forgotten something Sony already knows: That it’s the games, stupid. The most playable game on Xbox 360 (disregarding the small backwards compatible library) is a downloadable puzzler. If you’re going to start making next generation games cost $60, at least make them worth something. In fairness, the Xbox has only been out for a month, but I’m scared. The next generation consoles are here, but when we will get truly next-gen games?

Best Television: “Arrested Development”

I saw lots and lots of great TV this year. 24 was back in a big way. Alias wasn’t bad rolling into its fourth season, and Scrubs, despite its Friendsness, remains watchable. I saw the Wire’s second season, the Shield for the first time, and Deadwood. I found out who the Carver was on Nip/Tuck. I watched Firefly, and later Serenity, and said that “Joss Whedon is my Master now” (no Episode III above, you’ll note). But nobody did it better than Arrested Development, and nobody’s end is more tragic. It’s the perfect show, except that it’s not a hit. I’m too cynical to say that Ron Howards anti-sitcom is ahead of its time, because that would imply that the television audiences, fickle as they are, will get savvier. Instead, I’ll simply say that I guess it’s just too good for ours.

Worst Television: The One Where They Switch Wives, or Houses, or Whatever

I don’t watch any of those, because they’re all just wrong. At least back in the Real World and Survivor, they had a whole season to build up fake real characters. These things are like COPS, but where the people don’t matter– it’s all sound and fury, with nary a significance in sight. What a waste of television, a waste of time, and a waste of imagination. Did you see that woman creature screaming about demons or whatever she was yelling about? Who’s watching *that* instead of Arrested Development??

Best Food: Rice

Yes, it may be strange to those of you with normal eating habits, but this year I finally discovered the staple that is long grain rice. For some reason I could never stomach the stuff– I think it may have been a comparison to insect larvae or some such. Disgusting as it is, I somehow made it past that notion to find fried spanish rice, rice and thai curry, and rice burritos waiting on the other side. I’ve had so much rice this year, I don’t know how I went without before. I know, I’m slow catching up (I’m still not a fan of mushrooms or olives), but don’t worry, I’ll get there eventually.

Worst Food: Jones Soda Co. Thanksgiving Flavors: Turkey Soda, Cranberries Soda, and Green Bean Soda

I’ve never tasted these nasty concoctions, but it’s not like I ever want to after watching this from the guys at Starvin’ with Louis. Shudder.

Best Music: The Mountain Goats, “The Sunset Tree”

The first Mountain Goats track I ever heard was actually very early this year. It’s called “The Best Ever Death Metal Band Out of Texas,” and it’s an amazing little low fi tune featuring John Darnielle’s nasal, singer-songwriter voice, a well played guitar, and a story about two young men who can’t find their place until they make one. It was terrific. I wanted more. And “The Sunset Tree,” Darnielle’s latest of many albums that I somehow missed throughout the years, more than delivers. He’s graduated from his low-fi sound, but hasn’t forgotten to bring that voice, that wit, and those stories with him. “Dilaudid” might be the best song I’ve ever heard. Or maybe it’s “This Year.” Or it could be “Dance Music,” “You or Your Memory,” or “Love Love Love.” They’re all on here. No matter what Sufjan does or who Kanye claims Bush cares about, this is the best album of the year, if not many to come. (Honorable Mention: Sufjan and Kanye were good, though. And, yes, Imogen Heap is poppy, but man that “Hide and Seek” song is amazing.)

Worst Music: Weezer, “Make Believe”

Ok, ok, I give up. Despite what I said in my review, I’ve given the album a few more listens, and I surrender. Weezer has made a terrible album. I don’t think it ruins the Blue Album (though I might be alone in that), but I have to agree: it’s bad. I don’t ever want to hear “We Are All On Drugs” again.

Best Book: “Hyperion” and “Fall of Hyperion” by Dan Simmons

Since leaving my job at the bookstore in August, I haven’t kept up on the big releases. I don’t really know what’s good out at the moment, so even though these both came out a long time ago, these are the two best books I read this year. Better people than I have said it, but Simmons is simply a master, and these two books together are arguably his masterpiece. Epic sci-fi theology is what they are, if such a thing even exists.

Worst Book: “Natural Cures ‘They’ Don’t Want You to Know About” by Kevin Trudeau

Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up, Trudeau. Get off my infomercials, and get your crap out of my bookstore. Stop scaring idiots into spending money on your crap. Stop taking advantage of people who don’t know any better by claiming there’s a terrible FDA out there to get them. Stop convincing people that your snake oil crap is anything but a medical pyramid scheme. Stop pulling the old “anyone who says robots aren’t a threat is probably a robot” gag. Just stop. You moron.

And I don’t want to end on a Worst, so we’ll save the Best Misc for last…

Worst Miscellaneous: Hurricane Katrina

You know things are bad when the actual natural disaster was probably the easiest thing for this country to survive. Sure, the storm itself was bad New Orleans, but it was everything afterwards that tore this country apart: the terrible evacuation effort, the despicable and hideously incompetent leadership (not to mention clueless– “heck of a job”), the exposure of years and years of racial and class tension, the shameless journalism and blog bickering, and the real tragedy of what really became a third world country in the middle of a first world one. Some good things came out of it– New Orleans will rebuild, hopefully better, stronger, and more powerful than before (if the contractors don’t get in the way). Maybe bringing the racial tension to light was beneficial– bringing the incompetence to light sure was (hello 40% approval rate, even though it should be closer to 4%). But Katrina was a shame, in more ways than one. We messed up, America. We sure did.

Best Miscellaneous: The Hundred Dollar Laptop

On the other hand, a lot of things went right this year. Tom Delay got indicted, the Patriot Act got “Delay-ed,” Bush looked like the idiot he was. But we also made breakthroughs, huge ones, in bringing gigantic and easy technology all over the world. Did you hear about that LifeStraw that makes water drinkable for under $2 a year? Imagine a world where no one ever has to go without drinkable water ever again. We made huge leaps in towards a cure toward AIDS this year. Jimmy Wales’ Wikipedia came into the public spotlight as a gigantic, informative, completely free encyclopedia for everyone in the world. Google got bigger than ever– almost any thought or information anyone could have is almost a few clicks away. There’s been more printed material in the last ten years then there’s been in the entire history of time, and while not all of it is terrific (read any livejournals lately), at least it’s all there. A thousand years from now, historians will have a more complete picture of 2005 than any other year in the history of mankind.

And long before that, anyone will be able to become a historian themselves for only a hundred bucks. What if you could give every book in the Library of Congress to every child all over the world? What would the world look like a year after that? Ten years after that? Fifty years after that? The $100 laptop makes that possible, and while a ton of amazing things happened in 2005, think, just think, what the future holds.