So I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately.

Not any more than usual, though, really. When you think about it, death is really around us all the time, especially during the season of winter. Everything is dying and gray– if there’s a time to think about death, this is it.

While I was on the bus this morning, I was looking out the window, and, as buildings were passing in front of my field of view, we went past an empty lot and my view spread out to the building over in the next block. There were like three or four rows of windows, and the bottom left corner window was open. (It might have been a deck area– we were just driving by and I only got a quick look) But there was a man standing in this open window. The room behind him was dark, and he was dressed in some sort of hooded cloak thing, with his face completely hooded and dark. It looked like the hoodie Bruce Willis wore while saving people in Unbreakable, except instead of green it was an orange-ish type of color. He really had a threatening pose, and he didn’t move at all. In fact, he seemed to be staring right at me, and then the bus passed by another building, and he was gone.

It was a little freaky.

I wondered if that guy was Death, and if I was about to die. It would be pretty poetic, I think, to have everyone see Death in some shady form right before they die, although if that was really true, I’m sure we would have heard about it by now– someone would have shouted out “I saw him!” right before they got hit by a train or something, and, at the very least, Mythbusters would have covered the idea as an urban legend. But I was riding backwards on the bus, so I didn’t know if there was a gas truck headed for us, or if a bomb was about to end half of Chicago, or what was going to happen. So for a second there, I thought it might be it for me.

But I was ok, because of something I thought of earlier this week.

I’ve been busy lately. Not really busy, but I’ve just had a lot of things I want to get done, and not enough time to do them in. I usually have a to-do list full of stuff, and lately it seems like there’s not enough hours in the day for everything on there. And it occurred to me the other day that there’s no reason that will be any different when I die. If there’s always so many things I have to do, there will eventually be something I have to leave undone.

Whenever I die, I will still have things left on my to-do list.

Morbid? Yes, but again, this is the season of morbidity– if we’re ever going to think about it, now’s the time.

But it’s also kind of relaxing. The to-do list will never be done, so don’t worry about finishing it. It kind of frees me to do what I want, instead of simply the next thing on the list. I don’t necessarily have to worry about that “laundry” so much (although I’m kind of getting into the ugly shirts already) as finish that “story” I’ve been working on. And if I want to take the whole to “reorganize my DVD collection,” that’s OK, too. If I’m doing what I want to do, things are good.

So if the weird guy staring at me in the orange hoodie ever shows up again, I’ll be ready.

Over the weekend I was home with nothing but my laptop to entertain me, and seeing how I don’t have too many games on it, I went hunting around for something cheap and easy to download onto it.

I found Battle for Wesnoth, and if you haven’t checked it out yet, you probably should. It’s open source, and it’s actually really amazing.

First of all, I will have to weed a few of you out. It’s a turn based strategy game, so right there a good non-nerdy percentage of you can stop reading. Yes, it’s tactical strategy, yes it can be slow and require you to think, and yes, it even gets a little boring sometimes.

But other than that, it’s really, really great, all the more interesting because it’s open source. I played an early version of this game a year or two ago (.6 I think), and it wasn’t even close to the amount of polish and balance that’s going on in the latest version (just past 1.0).

They kept the game simple on purpose. You can recruit (and recall, if they live through scenarios) various types of skirmishing units (archers, soldiers, mages, horsemen), and then run them on a hexmap against an opponent. Each unit gains experience and can level up through 3 or 4 tiers of advancement. And like Warcraft, the game has a number of different factions, each one of which plays differently, but balanced against the others.

It’s a good package, too. The graphics are simple and efficient, there’s music that’s not bad (although easily turned off), and there’s some terrific singleplayer campaigns included with the game, and a plethora (yes, a plethora) of user created scenarios to download, along with a great editor to create your own, if you’re interested in that kind of thing.

Great job by everyone involved, and one of the best free games I’ve ever checked out.

As you may have noticed, I have not posted anything to this fine web establishment in the past few days, because I’ve been vacationing in sunny St. Louis for the Thanksgiving holiday. Here’s hoping you and yours have had a happy one.

While I’ve been here, I’ve discovered this amazing new drug!

Introducing Tryptophan, from Schrammco Medical

Want to feel full on Thanksgiving Day? Or a nap right after dinner? Watching the Lions play football (badly) a little too attentitively?

If so, you may be eligible to try Tryptophan, a new drug from Schrammco Medical.

Tryptophan is scientifically proven, by real scientists (and even some fake ones!), to give you just that late afternoon nap you need after a big Thanksgiving dinner. It relaxes the brain and stimulates the waist, so that you feel full, relaxed, and ready to wander off to your room and take a nap just in time to avoid Aunt Bertha’s latest round of complaining about all the family members that didn’t make it to visit this year.

Yes, Tryptophan is all that and more. We’re not saying it’s a wonder drug, but we wouldn’t be lying if we did. Plus, it’s available in easy-to-digest avian form! You’ll “gobble” it up. Ask your doctor if tryptophan is right for you today.

NOTE: Side effects of tryptophan include sleepiness, large amounts of contact with distant family members, and a need to loosen the belt after dinner. Tryptophan should be consumed with mashed potatoes, dinner rolls, and, if possible, cranberries. Wait until at least 3 hours after consuming tryptophan to enjoy coffee and dessert. Vegans, vegetarians, and other crazy people should not consume tryptophan. See your doctor for more information.

Tryptophan: Whenever Thanksgiving comes around, it’ll be there.

The creator of Bittorrent has made an agreement with the Devil– whoops I meant to say the President of MPAA, to remove any links to copyrighted materials from his search engine.

Coming Soon to the Bittorrent Search Engine

Phirates of the Carribian

Harry Potter and the Foblet of Gire

The 41 Year Old Virgin

The Zegend of Lorro

Lord of War Starring Cicholas Nage

Chuck and the Cocoa Factory

Not a Movie Called The Island

Mrs. and Mr. Smith

War of Just One World

The Matrices

My Own Personal Videos in a Torrent That Looks Exactly Like The Incredibles, But Isn’t, I Swear

(I wrote this for Newcity)

Well apparently something called an “Xbox360″ was released today. And boy am I glad I don’t have one.

Boy Am I Glad I Don’t Have an Xbox360

Yessiree bob, having an Xbox360 is surely a burden I’m glad I don’t have to carry. For instance, right now I could be playing the latest in interactive home entertainment, tearing it up in Project Gotham Racing or playing Rare’s latest, Perfect Dark Zero. But instead I’m here with you, writing on a website that nobody ever reads. Yes indeed, I’m sure glad things worked out the way they did.

I mean, sure, everyone’s making a big deal about this newfangled thing. Some say that Xbox Live is the most fluid and easiest online console connection ever, and that playing console games online will never be the same thanks to the new Xbox Live. But I have to say– I’m not much one for playing games online. Just doesn’t appeal to me, really. Others say that the Xbox360’s graphics look terrific, and that its the first step in the next generation of videogame consoles. Well, I say I’m playing the game with the best graphics of all– reality! Yes, I’m glad I’m looking at the vertex-shaded walls of my boring little bedroom than some crazy 3D Halogame or whatever it is the kids are playing. For sure.

The Xbox’s controllers are wireless, too, I hear. Now, maybe I’m a little different from the regular videogame players, but I like being tethered down by wires that don’t even let me push my chair back away from the TV. They really give me a sense of focus, you know? Sure, I’m always having to pick them up, and people are always stepping on them and twisting them up, but I think you’ll agree when I say it’s a small price to pay to make sure that I can never go more than a few feet away from my television when I’m playing a game.

And apparently the Xbox will also hook up with iPods and other media to let you listen to your own music while you play videogames. But why would I want to change out the music in the games? I just love– love– all those lame pop/rock/hip hop tracks that EA throws on their games. And excuse me if I like listening to the exact same techno song on every single racing game lap I’ve ever driven. Seriously. Excuse me. Because I do.

Yes, I’m sure glad that I don’t have an Xbox360. Right here in my house. Where I could play it and play it, and reach unheard-of levels of gaming paradise, and never know pain, or sorrow, or, at the very least, boredom, ever again. Yep, I sure am glad that’s not happening.

Well I lost the link, but earlier today I read on an O’Reilly blog about how a bunch of pros first got started in computers. I thought it might be fun to look back…. (wavey flashback effect)

How I First Got Started In Computers

I’m pretty sure the very first computer experience I had was Logo. You know, the little turtle thing? That’s a hazy one, but I’m pretty sure Logo was the very first.

The earliest computer I owned was the Tandy Color Computer from Radio Shack, the TRS-80. Good stuff– you had to hook it up to the television, which led to two things…

1) My siblings and I would fight over whether I would get to use the computer or they would get to watch cartoons.

2) I made the joke where we were watching real TV and I typed on the keyboard and pretended that I was controlling the people on TV. That one never got old, all the way through the PS2.

Anyway, I learned to program in BASIC on the TRS-80. Yes, of course…

10 PRINT “MIKE IS COOL”
20 GOTO 10

… everyone did that. I also did things like…

10 PRINT “WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”
20 INPUT $NAME
25 PRINT “HOW ARE YOU?”
30 INPUT $HOW
40 PRINT “HI THERE, ” $NAME “I AM ” $HOW “, TOO.”

It was awesome. Later, I got into file opening and writing and saving (although only scratched the surface of interacting with the external 5 1/2 floppy), and cobbled together a program that held addresses. Not that I knew anyone whose address I had to keep, but it was cool. Later, we started using Apple IIes at school, and the teacher had no idea where I got all these programming skillz from. Well, that was before skillz or 1337ness existed, but you get the idea. I was a gamer even then– I played religiously all the old arcade ports on the TRS-80. I found text adventures, and tumbled into them as into a dark cave, where I was likely to be eaten by a grue. I didn’t actually write one until a few years later, when I bought a TI-85 graphic calculator, and hobbled together a weird little text adventure with the version of BASIC they had installed on there. Oooh– I also made a text version of Street Fighter on the calculator, too, although it wasn’t very balanced. Each character (I was one, natch) had three attacks, but while the third was the strongest, there was no penalty to use it. “Why wouldn’t I just hit really hard every time?” my friend asked, and I had no answer yet. Stamina, at that point, hadn’t made it into my vocabulary.

My parents were never big on computers. That Tandy held us for a long time. In middle school, I got a Brother word processor that wasn’t actually programmable, but we bought it as a display unit, and so we had to wait like six to eight weeks for them to send the manual to us. Long before it showed up, I knew the ins and outs of that thing. When my mom had to type a letter, she had to ask me what all the keyboard shortcuts were. Actually, she only asked me how to print, but I’m pretty sure I told her all the shortcuts anyway.

In middle school, we also got upgrades at school. Windows 3.1 was out and big, and I was introduced to Prince of Persia, the Incredible Machine, Wacky Races, Descent, and, later, Doom and Quake. We were allowed to run free in the computer lab after school (well, a select few nerds among us were), and that’s where I messed around with the Program Manager, DOS, “.exe”s.

And then, when I was in high school, my manager at my first job gave me an old 486 that he wasn’t using any more to take home. And that’s when things got really interesting.

But this is only how I started in computers. And I didn’t even mention finding Super Mario Brothers for the first time, the day I finally got my own NES, how I saved up for my Game Boy (with Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening), and the first game I ever beat front to back. Another story, I guess.

(I almost forgot, this went up today)

Just Another Reason Why AOL is Losing 300 Customers Per Hour

mikeschramm: umm who are you

MovieFone: Hi there. I’m the new MovieFone bot! I can find movies for you anywhere in the country in a fraction of second. All you have to do is give me part of the title, an actor or director’s name. I can also send you alerts when your favorite films are opening. Type privacy anytime to review the policy. Type any movie you want to see or menu to get going.

======= Movie of the Week =======
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Movie Site

mikeschramm: do i know you?

MovieFone:
- Movies for Today
1 -P- Me and You and Everyone We Know
2 -P- Without You I’m Nothing

Type # next to movie to see showtimes, M to go back to the Main Menu or anything else to search again.

P=Past, N=New, S=Soon, F=Future

mikeschramm: what is this, really?

MovieFone: Mm hm, now we are getting somwhere.

mikeschramm: no, really why is this on my list?

MovieFone: Yes.

mikeschramm: yes is not a valid answer to that question

MovieFone: Mm hm.

mikeschramm: so, can you like get off my buddy list

MovieFone:
- Movies for Today
1 -P- Heaven Can Wait
2 -P- The Greatest Game Ever Played
3 -N- Get Rich or Die Tryin’
4 -P- Just Like Heaven
5 -P- Without You I’m Nothing
6 -P- The Thing About My Folks
7 -P- The Beat That My Heart Skipped (De Battre mon coeur s’est arrete)
8 -P- Me and You and Everyone We Know

Type # next to movie to see showtimes, M to go back to the Main Menu or anything else to search again.

P=Past, N=New, S=Soon, F=Future

mikeschramm: right now

MovieFone: Enter a valid 5 digit zip-code.

mikeschramm: don’t want to

MovieFone: Not valid 5 digit zipcode. Would you like to try again?

Y – Yes
N – No

======= Movie of the Week =======
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Movie Site

mikeschramm: no

MovieFone: Main Menu
Select a number or just ask me about any film, actor or director and I’ll search for you.

1 – Find Movies Now
2 – Set Up Movie Alerts
3 – The First 5
4 – New Releases
5 – Games

======= Movie of the Week =======
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Movie Site

mikeschramm: like i care

MovieFone:
- Movies for Today
1 -F- Crazy Like a Fox
2 -P- Just Like Heaven
3 -P- I Am Cuba
4 -F- I am Charlotte Simmons
5 -F- I Am Legend (2006)
6 -F- I Am Cuba, The Siberian Mammoth
7 -F- The Air I Breathe
8 -F- Awesome: I F*ckin’ Shot That
9 -P- I Know Where I’m Going
10 -S- The Kid & I
11 -P- How I Won the War (1967)
12 -F- Singing Behind Screens (Cantando dietro i paraventi)
13 -P- I Went to the Dance
14 -P- I am a Sex Addict

Type # next to movie to see showtimes, M to go back to the Main Menu or anything else to search again.

P=Past, N=New, S=Soon, F=Future

mikeschramm: tell aol or whoever that I’m not interested in having you on my list

MovieFone:
- Movies for Today
1 -F- How to Tell He’s Not the One in 10 Days
2 -F- Awesome: I F*ckin’ Shot That
3 -F- I’m Not There: Suppositions on a Film Concerning Dylan
4 -P- Not on the Lips (2003)
5 -P- The Beat That My Heart Skipped (De Battre mon coeur s’est arrete)

Type # next to movie to see showtimes, M to go back to the Main Menu or anything else to search again.

P=Past, N=New, S=Soon, F=Future

mikeschramm: and if they don’t like that, I’ll go to yahoo

MovieFone:
- Movies for Today
1 -F- Awesome: I F*ckin’ Shot That
2 -P- T- Rex: Back to the Cretaceous in IMAX 3D

Type # next to movie to see showtimes, M to go back to the Main Menu or anything else to search again.

P=Past, N=New, S=Soon, F=Future

mikeschramm: and if yahoo does the same thing, I’ll just go to jabber

MovieFone:
- Movies for Today
1 -P- The Thing About My Folks
2 -P- Just Like Heaven
3 -P- Brother to Brother
4 -P- The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
5 -P- The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
6 -P- The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
7 -P- End of the Century: The Story of the Ramones
8 -P- The Kid Stays in the Picture
9 -P- The Squid and the Whale
10 -P- The End of the Affair
11 -P- Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Type # next to movie to see showtimes, M to go back to the Main Menu or anything else to search again.

P=Past, N=New, S=Soon, F=Future

mikeschramm: oh hey wallace and gromit!

MovieFone: Hey there. Just ask type a film name, actor or director any time and I’ll tell you what’s playing.

mikeschramm: wallace and gromit

MovieFone: Enter a valid 5 digit zip-code.

mikeschramm: don’t want to, dork

MovieFone: Not valid 5 digit zipcode. Would you like to try again?

Y – Yes
N – No

======= Movie of the Week =======
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Movie Site

mikeschramm: sorry, got distracted by wallace and gromit.

MovieFone: Not valid 5 digit zipcode. Would you like to try again?

Y – Yes
N – No

======= Movie of the Week =======
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Movie Site

mikeschramm: in conclusion, if i want these bots on my list, i’ll put them on

MovieFone: Not valid 5 digit zipcode. Would you like to try again?

Y – Yes
N – No

======= Movie of the Week =======
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Movie Site

mikeschramm: and if you’re telling me that the price of using aim will be to hear from these bots every day, then it’s too high a price to pay

MovieFone: Not valid 5 digit zipcode. Would you like to try again?

Y – Yes
N – No

======= Movie of the Week =======
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Movie Site

mikeschramm: no, and bug off

MovieFone: Main Menu
Select a number or just ask me about any film, actor or director and I’ll search for you.

1 – Find Movies Now
2 – Set Up Movie Alerts
3 – The First 5
4 – New Releases
5 – Games

======= Movie of the Week =======
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Movie Site

mikeschramm: now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a place to download admium, or some other program that doesn’t succumb to AOL’s terrible will

MovieFone:
- Movies for Today
1 -F- You Want Me to Kill Him?
2 -S- Be Here To Love Me: A Film About Townes Van Zandt
3 -P- I Went to the Dance
4 -F- Find Me Guilty
5 -P- A Farewell To Arms
6 -F- You, Me and Dupree
7 -F- Imagine Me and You

Type # next to movie to see showtimes, M to go back to the Main Menu or anything else to search again.

P=Past, N=New, S=Soon, F=Future

I’ve been doing this for a year now.

Happy Birthday
mikeschramm.com

… and many more.

I watched “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” on Saturday. I was unimpressed.

Also, they “left things open” at the end, just in case the two want to have a baby, and therefore a sequel. Even though I already own it, and it’s much better and called Undercover Blues.

If Other Movies “Left Things Open” At the End

Casablanca:

“Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Wait! Is the plane turning around?”

Some Like it Hot:

“But you don’t understand– I’m a man!”

“Well, nobody’s perfect. I might be a woman!”

The Searchers:

John Wayne walks away, closes the door behind him.

There’s a knock at the door.

Tale of Two Cities:

“It’s a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done. It’s a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever known. Or is it?”

Back to the Future:

“Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads. Or… do we?”

Return of the Jedi:

The Death Star II explodes, people everywhere rejoice that the Empire is gone and the new Jedi have won.

But wait, what’s this?

One of the glowing pieces of the Death Star II falls towards a planet, smokes and stops burning. It’s a ship! It lowers itself down onto the desolated planet, falling through the atmosphere and finally crashing into a jungle.

The camera pans down into the cockpit, as steam billows out the opening glass. We see a dark shape moving inside, and then… heavy breathing!

Fade to black, END CREDITS

Hey everybody! There’s a new face around the mikeschramm.com offices today! I want you to give a warm welcome to mikeschramm.com’s new resident reviewer. His name is Mordo– everybody welcome Mordo!

MORDO: Hi Everyoesn!

Hey, that’s great, Mordo. So, Mordo, you’re going to be our new reviewer here at mikeschramm.com?

MORDO: Mordo like som things, but other thinsg no.

Wow. That’s— uh. Where did you say you were from again?

MORDO: Mordo likes puppies! THEY ARE CUET!!

Ok, so puppies get a +1 in Mordo’s book, huh? Now, I was told earlier today, Mordo, that you’ve got a new videogame to tell us about today. Is that so?

MORDO: Yes! Mordo play games! TEHY are fun!

And what games are you playing, Mordo?

MORDO: Mordo like Warcraft of Worlds! It fun! “How I MINE FOR FISH!” Ha! Mordo say ‘kek’ to that! HORDES ARE EIVL!!

I have no response to that.

MORDO: Mordo can be stunning with word power!

But I heard there’s another game you’ve been playing, Mordo. One that uses a guitar?

MORDO: Mordo is HERO OF GUTAIRS!!

Right! Guitar Hero! You’ve been playing that game, and you’re here to review it for us. So, is it good?

MORDO: Mordo rock like concretes! Guitar game is fun, and tingly! Play guitar Mordo be the god! THE GOD OF ROCK!

So, it’s good then?

MORDO: Mordo not sure, broke guitar from rokcing too hard. BUT WAS FUN BEFORE TAHT!!!!!!!!!11

That’s super. Anything wrong with the game?

MORDO: Guitar breaks easily. Under thareat of ROCK! Also, Boston has song in game, Mordo not like that.

You don’t like the Boston song in the game, Mordo?

MORDO: “More Than a Feelign”? More liek “LESS THAN A GOOD SONG!!”

That’s great. Well, Mordo, thanks for coming and telling us about those games, and we’re sure we’ll see you back here real soon.

MORDO: BRING PUPPIES. Tehy will raise the cuetness levels.

Will do.

If you’re in Chicago, be sure to pick up and read this week’s issue of Newcity, because MY NAME IS ON THE FREAKIN’ COVER Ok, so it’s not on the cover, but I did write the cover story. If you’re not in Chicago, you can read my story here.

Apparently a minor actor was naughty on the set of Desperate Housewives and lost his job.

“Desperate Housewives” Set Employee Handbook

Hello, and welcome to the set of “Desperate Housewives.” We have a lot of fun making one of the most popular shows on television, and we’re glad to have you along with us. This handbook will be your overall guide to working here at “Desperate Housewives.”

Note: Due to recent incidents, some portions of the guide have changed. Please be sure to read all directives carefully. Welcome to the show!

TIME CLOCK

Please be sure to clock in and out on time every day. We need to be able to shoot on schedule, and any unforeseen delays will cost us not only time, but also MONEY! Get here on time!

Also, please allow plenty of time before showing up to be dressed. Please do not actually be dressing when a young female assistant walks into your dressing room.

PAYROLL

We will be paid every two weeks. To get your paycheck on the first and third Thursday of the month, please speak with Sandy. Note that we will pay you with a check– “sweet lovin’” as a form of pay is not acceptable. Also, when Sandy comes around with your check, please simply sign for it and avoid exposing any part of your body to her. She’s old, and we need her around to do payroll.

Direct deposit is available to a bank of your choice. However, we will no longer deposit any checks into The Bank of Your Pants, as we have discovered that is not a licensed banking institution.

OVERTIME

This is a weekly show set, and thus we will be working long hours at all times of the day. Overtime will be paid according to your original agreement. If you have been contracted through a union, please see your union supervisor for clarification about overtime hours.

Because we do work such long hours, please be sure to respect the people around you. After a long day of teasing Teri Hatcher’s hair over her eyes to hide the wrinkles, your junk is probably not something our young female assistants are interested in seeing.

SEXUAL HARRASSMENT

Sexual harrassment is not permitted on the set of Desperate Housewives, or any other ABC show. Except perhaps Wife Swap, or America’s Funniest Home Videos, if the host is feeling particularly randy. But it is not, we repeat not permitted on our show. Pulling your private bits out is definitely considered sexual harassment, and will get you fired.

Sleeping with Nicolette Sheridan is competely allowed, and at times encouraged. It is not considered sexual harrassment– we prefer to call it pity.

OPEN DOOR POLICY

All of your directors and producers (and your actors, except for Marcia Cross and Teri Hatcher) at “Desperate Housewives” have an open door policy. Please feel free to come to us if you have any questions you need answered.

Note: An open door policy does not mean that you must leave your door open at all times. Especially while changing. Please use a lock.

DRESS CODE

Please remain dressed at all times. Please.

Welcome to “Desperate Housewives”! We’re sure your tenure with us will be a creative, productive, and fully dressed one!

The website that I work on was mentioned on today’s Jerry Springer radio show. So if I die and show up at the Pearly Gates, and St. Paul asks me if I’ve affected anyone’s life, I’ll be like, “Jerry Springer’s listeners?” That’ll get me right in, I know it.

Superman’s Friendster Testimonials

Jimmy

Supes is great! I can’t count the number of times he’s saved me from danger! Thanks Superman!

Lois

Hey babe!! You’re the best! Remember that time when you died? I was so worried! But of course you came back later and everything was fine. I love thinking about you! Ok enough wasting time at work, see you later!!!!!!!!!!!

Bizarro

Bizarro hate superman! superman, why you no return bizzarro’s call when he ask if you if you want to go out for pizza! bizarro feel happy when superman do that, but bizarro is opposite, so he feel sad. also, why superman no leave testimonial on bizarro’s friendster! Bizarro smash!

Lex

Superman is a dick.

Flash

Superman is really doing a great job leading the League. Sure, I joke around from time to time, and we get in our scrapes, but he’s really been there for the rest of us. I’m sure I speak for GL, Atom, Jhonn, and the rest of us when I say that Superman is a great friend.

Batman

Superman is a dick.

Lois

Oh, before I forgot to say that Superman is the cutest ever! I heart you, Superman, to the max! The red cape is awesome.

Spiderman

Hi, do I know you? Apparently you’re in my extended network. Did we meet somewhere?

Brainiac

I can’t believe you imbecile heathens use this crappy social networking site. All you do here is prattle on and on about how great you all are and how much you care for one another. Figures that you idiots would use this thing all the time.

You should use MySpace instead. More people there.

Mr. Mxyzptlk

I just wrote you the perfect testimonial, but it got erased. I’m not doing it again.

Apparently, like a new Forbes service, futureme.org lets you send an email to yourself in the future.

Dear Michael Schramm of 2015,

Hello! From the Michael Schramm of 10 years ago! How are you? Probably not very good, considering you may or may not have been killed off in the great robot rebellion of 2010. But hopefully you made it through all those nuclear attacks, robot mandated slavery, and the eventual human rebellion, and are alive and well, if living as a refugee on Mars.

Things are good here. You’re 35, but I’m still only 25 and going strong. Someday, I hope to be a writer! I’m currently writing for a few different sites on “The Internet” (maybe you’ll remember that that’s what we call “Google” back here in 2005– oh, don’t get me wrong, Google is still here, but it’s only part of media, not the whole thing). I think what I’m doing is pretty good, but you’ll probably look back on it someday and realize that it’s terrible and you can’t believe that you wrote such utter crap.

Also, you’ll probably also think I was a pretty whiny young punk who thought I knew more than I did. Whatever, old man.

But seriously, I hope you’re doing well. Because if you were, that would mean that I was doing well, which is a good thing. Come to think of it, if there’s anything I can do to help you out, let me know, and I’ll get it done so you can be good in the future. Except that you won’t read this in the future, at which point it will be too late to send me back and email and let me know what I should do. Plus email might not even exist anymore. Maybe we’ll just all send virtual clones of ourselves to others– instead of writing letters, we’ll just download copies of our brains into computers and send them to our family and friends. That way, our family and friends can just ask our copies what’s up with us, and we can get about our lives, working on doing things that our families and friends would want to know about.

Whoa. That sounds cool. Send me a copy of yourself if you get the time.

Actually, if you did send me a copy of yourself, you would have had to send it back through time, and it would have shown up just as I finished sending this letter. As soon as I press send, maybe a holographic copy of you will appear! And then I’ll be able to ask you anything I want.

Oh, but maybe we’re not supposed to mess with the fabric of space and time like that. Maybe, when you send me your holographic copy, it will punch a hole in the fabric of time, and the space/time continuum will get sucked into the vortex created, circling and spiraling away like bathwater into a drain. If I push send on this email, and you get this message and send me back a holographic copy of yourself, I could destroy the universe!!

Ah, well. It wasn’t all that impressive anyway. And I do really want to know about myself. Am I married yet? What were my high school reunions like? Did I ever get to move overseas, or to LA? What’s the Xbox 2880 (360*8) like? Is Dick Clark still alive? Did the Simpsons ever end?

And am I rich yet? I really need to buy an Xbox 2880 and a copy of Halo 40.

Love,

Mike Schramm