In between all the terrific Katrina coverage they’re doing (obligatory click here to donate link), Boing Boing linked to NetSmartz, which is an RIAA funded program that teaches kids not to download music. Bad kids!

What Boing Boing didn’t know is that the RIAA has been making these things for years. I don’t have the technology to upload this old film I found, but I do have the technology to share the transcript:

[YOUNG BOY sits in class, carefully writing in his notebook]

NARRATOR: Here’s Johnny. Johnny is a grade A student. He loves his family, goes to church on Sunday, and loves bunnies.

JOHNNY: Bunnies are neat!

NARRATOR: But Johnny doesn’t understand one thing: downloading music is illegal and bad for you! Here’s Johnny’s friend Sally. There’s in a normal day at school.

SALLY: Hey Johnny, how are you?

JOHNNY: I’m good, Sally! Aren’t bunnies cool?

SALLY: Uh, yeah. They’re great. Have you heard the new Death Cab for Cutie yet?

JOHNNY: No, what’s “Death Cab of Cutie?”

SALLY: You’ve never heard of them? Man, Johnny, you’re kind of cute, but you’re a loser.

NARRATOR: Wow, what a ho! Later that day, on the playground, Johhny is playing with his friend Matt.

MATT: Ha! You missed the ball! Ok now I’m calling busstop AND popcorn.

JOHNNY: Hey Matt, can I ask you a question?

MATT: Sure, what is it? Wait, is it about bunnies again?

JOHNNY: No! I just want to know, have you ever heard of Death Cab for Cutie?

MATT: Oh, you mean Ben Gibbard’s band? They’re pretty good, I guess. Why do you want to know about them?

JOHNNY: Do you think I could hear their music sometime?

MATT: Yeah, I guess you could buy the CD.

JOHNNY: Oh, man. I don’t have any money, and I don’t get my allowance until next week!

MATT: Oh, bummer. Well, there is another way…

JOHNNY: Really? What is it?

MATT: It’s called downloading music. You can totally download music for free online, from a bunch of different services– bittorrent, edonkey, whatever.

JOHNNY: Wow that sounds really cool. (To himself) Once I hear Death Cutie Cab, Sally will like me for sure!

MATT: But there’s a problem, Johnny. Downloading music for free is illegal. I heard you could even get sued by the RIAA! And, I heard downloading even just once can get you hooked! I heard your hair falls out, and your teeth get yellow, and you get really sarcastic, and you could even go to jail! And monsters will come and get you!

JOHNNY: Whatever, Matt. My turn to hit the ball!

NARRATOR: But what Johnny didn’t know is that Matt was right! Downloading music is known as a gateway drug, which means that once you do it, there’s no turning back, and then you’re on the road to grubsville! Let’s see what Johnny does when he gets home, and on his computer.

JOHNNY: Oh boy, I can’t wait to download this album. Just click here, and click here, and there we go! I’m downloading music! While I’m waiting, I’ll look at pictures of bunnies!

NARRATOR: But something happened to Johnny!

JOHNNY: What’s this? My hair! It’s starting to fall out! OH MY GOSH, maybe Matt was right! No, it has to just be a coincidence. Downloading something can’t make your hair fall out. Or can it? MY TEETH ARE YELLOW NOW TOO!

NARRATOR: But Johnny couldn’t stop! He kept downloading: Death Cab for Cutie, Sleater-Kinney, Andrew Bird, Frans Ferdinand, even– The New Pornagraphers! And soon…

JOHNNY: I need more! More! Kelly Clarkson? Oh, I don’t even want to hear it, but I HAVE TO DOWNLOAD IT!

[knocking on JOHNNY'S door]

JOHNNY’S MOM: Johnny, it’s your mother! You’ve been in there for weeks, son! You have to come out this instant. There’ s some men here to see you from the RIAA!

JOHNNY: The RIAA! They must be suing me, just like Matt said! And he said I’d get hooked, and I am! But he said I would get sarcastic too!

JOHNNY’S MOM: Come out of there right now, Johnny!

JOHNNY: Yeah right, Mom, like that’s going to happen! OH MY GOSH!

JOHNNY’S MOM: Please Johnny, we love you! Why are you doing this to us? Why are you downloading music?

JOHNNY: I can’t stop, Mom! Oh Lord I never should have started! I never should have downloaded music!

NARRATOR: And then, Matt’s last promise came true: Monsters ate Johnny!

JOHNNY: Noooooo!!!!

MONSTERS: Gobble gobble gobble…

NARRATOR: Yes, Johnny learned his lesson, but too late! He never should have downloaded that music. Now, here’s a special message for kids around the world.

BEN GIBBARD: Hi kids, I’m Ben Gibbard, lead singer of Death Cab for Cutie. Johnny’s story may have seemed a little fantastic, but it was all completely real. Downloading music will get you addicted, cause your hair to fall out, and leave you eaten by monsters. Don’t do it! Buy that CD today, or become monster chow!

SALLY: Ben, are you done yet? It’s 2-for-1 day at the Gap, we have to go!

BEN GIBBARD: Sorry, Sally, I’ll be right there. Good luck kids, and remember: downloading is dangerous. And will get you eaten by monsters. Big ones with teeth. Later!

[Fin]